in , ,

Fed-Up Bride Blasts Homophobic Sister For Calling Wedding A ‘Circus’ Due To Gay Best Friend

two wimen seated on a couch arguing
StockPlanets/Getty Images

Weddings and grieving aren’t things people make a deliberate choice to pair up, but what if someone did?

A bride whose sister is still grieving a loss from five years ago was tasked to plan her wedding day with her actively grieving sister.

After things went south, she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Initial-Arugula-7624 asked:

“AITA for yelling at my sister that my wedding is not her wedding?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I (29, female) am planning my wedding for September of this year. It’s the end of summer and also the month I met my fiancé.”

“My sister, Cat (33, female), was supposed to get married five years ago, but her partner died in a motorcycle accident. She was devastated, and had a hard time.”

“Since then, she’s been very gloomy, and her relationships don’t last long. She goes to therapy on and off.”

“When I told my family that I was getting married, Cat was visibly sad, so my mom asked me to involve her in the planning and to ask for her opinion to make her feel part of it.”

“However, she didn’t agree with my choice of September, thinking it’s a bad month for a wedding. She also didn’t like the colors I picked or the dress I wanted. I tried to listen to her sometimes.”

“At one point, she said, ‘I can’t believe you’ll be the first daughter MY (not our) father is going to walk down the aisle’. I was gutted by her comment.”

“I’m not having a religious ceremony; my fiancé’s best friend got a license to officiate our marriage, so it’s not that serious. With that in mind, I’m planning the wedding to reflect our personalities.”

“My best friend suggested that the bridesmaids wear different colored dresses, but my sister didn’t agree. She made some comments like, ‘It’ll look like a gay pride parade’, and ‘You’re turning your wedding into a gay wedding by listening to all of your friend’s suggestions’.”

“Yes, my best friend is gay, but we have similar tastes, so his opinions are highly valued because they match mine.”

“Last week, we were organizing the entrance of our bridesmaids and best men. In our culture, we call them ‘godfathers/godmothers’, and they enter together.”

“I told her that my best friend would enter with his boyfriend. My sister then said my wedding was going to be ‘an absolute circus’ and that, as my older sister, she should make me see reason.”

“She insisted that two men shouldn’t enter the ceremony together because not all guests would understand and appreciate it. Her comments were very annoying and homophobic.”

“She continued with her remarks and even called my fiancé to get his opinion. At some point, I was fed up and yelled, ‘You’re out of line because this is my wedding and not yours. Have your own wedding and plan it as you want’.”

“I was very angry, and my mom came from the garden to see what was happening. Cat started crying and went to her room.”

“It’s been five days, and she’s giving me the silent treatment. She told my mom that she won’t be attending my wedding.”

“It’s very annoying; she tries to make me feel uncomfortable. For example, if she’s in the kitchen and I enter, she leaves.”

“Yesterday, my mom said I should apologize because my sister is fragile and this topic makes her suffer. However, I don’t think I’m that much of an a**hole.”

“My mom said that yelling at her was an a**hole move, even if I was right.”

The OP summed up their situation.

“I yelled at my sister because she was giving annoying opinions about my wedding.  I might be the a**hole because I yelled at her and because weddings are a complicated topic for her.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“NTA. Apparently it’s family members sticking up for sh*tty people who act sh*tty to the point one loses their temper around them day.”

“Yes, adults like OP should be able to control their temper and moderate their behavior. But—We have a saying for this – people who can dish it out but not take it.”

“People like OP’s sister can’t expect to be aggressively rude, demeaning, negatively opinionated, and unpleasant without having some pushback on that. And if they ignore more gentle social cues, they’re going to get a verbal shotgun unloaded in their face.”

“Tell your mom that the problem isn’t that sister is too sensitive, it’s that she’s too insensitive and maybe your mom should get on that problem with some belated parenting efforts to help your sister adjust course out of being sh*tty.” ~ Curious-One4595

“Without wanting to sound harsh, this will be never be the wedding OP’s sister wants it to be, because she’s not getting married and her fiancé won’t be there. You can kotow to every want and suggestion, and it still won’t be possible to make this the wedding that OP’s sister wants.”

“Treating it like sister can have her wedding vicariously through OP’s just means neither gets the wedding they want. NTA.” ~ wosmo

“NTA. And I think her not attending might be for the best if she can’t control herself. No matter if the root of her loss of control comes from grief.”

“Her homophobia is another reason.”

“Have this wedding the exact way you want. You will most likely only have this one. And the memories will last a lifetime hopefully.” ~ Kanulie

“Honestly it doesn’t sound like her grief is playing that much of a role.”

“I was expecting to read that the sister was trying to recreate her own wedding, or blocking things because she wanted to do that with her wedding—I think the comment about their dad falls into this—but it seems like the major problem is the sister’s homophobia.”

“I don’t see how grief justifies that. NTA.” ~ username10102

“OP’s wedding will certainly make her sister upset, but sister may pull a Look At Me! at the wedding, whether she means to or not. She knows her parents will drop everything to accommodate her.”

“The sister gets a pass whenever she says the word grief, so what happens when sister is sobbing loudly during the ceremony? Will mom and dad rush to her, to comfort her? Interrupt the ceremony? Or reception?”

“I’m not saying that she has no right to cry—but she should step away, go somewhere, not detract from OP’s wedding.”

“What happens when sister makes rude comments about the ‘gay wedding?’ Is OP supposed to suck that up, too? NTA.” ~ SweetWaterfall0579

“NTA. I am sorry for your sister’s loss, truly. It sounds as though she has yet to finish her grieving process and this is very very triggering for her.”

“Every bride deserves the wedding they want as long as it’s done with respect and in congruency with their partner’s wishes. Everyone else is a sideline and attendee.”

“Your sister is ruining what should be a joyful time. Your mom is enabling her behavior by making you the bad guy.”

“You need to sit your parents down and discuss with them all the things your sister has done and tell them she clearly needs help and you don’t appreciate having to put up with her mistreatment of you because she’s in a fragile state.”

“Your happiness is just as important as her grief. She’s planning the wedding her and her financé would have and not ready to accept this is YOUR ceremony and day.”

“If your mom is saying you owe the apology because weddings are hard in your sister, then your mother actually owes you the apology for forcing you to involve the sister, when mom knows it’s going to be hard on her.” ~ Someday_wonderful

It was agreed the suggestion to have OP’s sister help plan the wedding was a bad one.

“It’s been years. Your sister needs therapy.”

“If your sister won’t go to your wedding because you finally shut down your sister’s unceasing ‘suggestions’, well, it’s them that will miss out. Proceed without them. NTA.” ~ YouthNAsia63

“Yup. I’m not understanding this. Sister was planning to get married, her fiancé DIED, she’s still grieving, …and planning her sister’s wedding was supposed to make her feel better?”

“What? How‽‽ That just seems like a bad idea all around to me. This was never going to go well.”

“Sister said some awful things (and has some sh*tty opinions), but it’s close to ESH. OP was also pretty cruel with the ‘have your own wedding’ comment.”

“She should stop listening to her sis & plan the wedding she wants, and the family can’t watch what they say every moment forever to avoid hurting sister’s feelings, but that was just mean.”

“And mom sucks for pushing both daughters to do this together. Very poor substitute for anything actually therapeutic!” ~ EmilyAnne1170

“Yeah, I don’t know what mom was thinking. Have your sister help plan your wedding so she can be reminded that she never got to have a wedding because her fiancée died. WTF‽‽” ~ cableknitprop

“Right? How’s being extra involved helpful? This isn’t like legit exposure therapy.”

“Being so close and ‘helping’ plan all the little details is just twisting the knife of what she could’ve done, and making it upsetting when OP disagrees with the ‘help’.”

“So it’s just hurting the sister, making her think of all this stuff for no reason. The easiest option would’ve been to let sister only have to be involved day-of and be graceful and understanding if she got drunk or left early.”

“Meanwhile OP has to have an extra person involved in every decision (which is unnecessarily stressful), and makes all of her planning have an underlying facet of what her sister lost or would have done.” ~ nonotthedefaultname

An apology for yelling might not be a bad idea, but OP needs to stand firm that her sister is off the planning committee and her homophobia won’t be tolerated.

If that’s too tall of an order for her sister, maybe it’s best she does skip the wedding.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.