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Guy Balks After Friend With Benefits Who ‘Friendzoned’ Him Is Upset Now That He’s Engaged

Engagement announcement
Kenji Lau/Getty Images

The easiest way to stir our own mental pot and make ourselves unhappy is to compare ourselves to others and to infinitely ask ourselves, “What if?”

Sometimes we have to be content with how our life is going now and let the past be in the past, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor ExtentOutrageous9447 had a friend with benefits who he really wanted to date, but when she rejected him, he decided to move on with his life and find someone who valued him.

But when he got engaged, and his ex-friend told him she would have dated him if she’d known he could last in a committed relationship, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he had missed out on an opportunity.

He asked the sub:

“AITAH because I didn’t tell my friend with benefits who friendzoned me that I was getting married?”

In the past, the OP hoped to date his friend with benefits (FWB), Lisa.

“I had a friend with benefits named Lisa. I caught feelings for her and asked her if we could be more.”

“She said that I was a nice guy and she enjoyed the sex, but she couldn’t really imagine a relationship with me because I was a manwh**e.”

“She said we should just go back to being friends. So we did.”

“She dated a bunch of other guys, and I met a few women I liked. We stayed friends and I never pushed for more. We didn’t even go back to how it was.”

Then the OP met someone who did want to date him.

“I started dating my fiancée, Laura, a few years ago and she became friends with Lisa.”

“She knows about our past relationship and she is okay with it as long as I respect her boundaries, which I always have and will.”

“We got engaged last weekend. No wedding plans yet, but she is the one.”

Lisa did not appreciate that the OP was officially moving on.

“Lisa called me yesterday and asked me if I got engaged. I told her yes.”

“She asked me why I would do that since she was waiting for me to break up with Laura so we could try again now that I have proven I can be in a relationship.”

“I told her that we couldn’t be friends anymore and immediately told Laura what happened.”

“She told me I shouldn’t, NOT couldn’t, hang around with Lisa anymore.”

“I told her that I already said we couldn’t be friends.”

“A few of our friends from college have told me I’m a d**k for cutting Lisa out since I knew she always had a thing for me.”

“I said that nobody informed me that I was her backup plan. I would not have been interested if I had known. I am no one’s second choice.”

Lisa continued to press the issue.

“Lisa asked me to have a coffee with her to talk. I went after I told Laura what I was up to.”

“Lisa said that I was an a**hole for not telling her that I was serious about Laura and that I was planning on getting engaged.”

“She was waiting for me to tell her so she could tell me that she was ready for me now. WHAT? She said she didn’t realize how serious we were since Laura and I don’t live together yet.”

“We both live with our parents to save money for life. My folks are semi-retired and spend nine months of the year away on vacations. Laura’s parents are happy to have her there to help with her younger siblings.”

The OP began to overthink the situation.

“I know I made the right decision cutting her off but I’m wondering how the eff I was supposed to know.”

“I’ll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready, I might have considered it. Laura and I were dating but not serious. But how is it my fault if she never informed me?”


Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some wondered why the OP was wasting time thinking about this.

“…At this point, I think that your own over-questioning the reality you encountered, is making me question whether you deep down accept your own motion forward…”

“Your first inclinations were correct. You enquired and were turned down. You moved forward and eventually made the correct decision that you could no longer be friends. Why are you being pulled back for just a little pot stir…?” – CreateCh**t

“OP, I’m sorry, but there’s no dilemma here. At all. Like even a little. Frankly, considering how little Lisa’s opinions matter here, there’s not really even a conflict. And yet, here we all are.” – Elegant_Bluebird1283

“The OP’s ex-friend is doing what is called preselection. The FWB didn’t want OP for anything serious until another woman got with him. The FWB suddenly saw OP as a viable choice because Laura saw he was a viable choice.”

“It’s the same reason why some people will go after a married person: If that person is happy with them, then I’ll be happy with them. It’s messed up, but it’s definitely a thing.”

“The OP really should ignore her and focus on his happy relationship before he wrecks it.” – MelodramaticMouse

“‘I don’t want to play with my Ken doll, but no one else can touch it.’ She was supposed to grow out of this when she was four or five years old. NTA, OP. Don’t give this another thought.” – ToiletGhost

“NTA. Lisa wasn’t ready for a real relationship anyway and still isn’t. She waited, didn’t communicate, and found out.”

“Relationships need to be built upon both trust and communication, which you have done with Laura. That just shows you that Lisa herself isn’t ready for not just you, but probably anyone on that level.” – ben_kosar

“The OP said, ‘I’ll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready, I might have considered it.'”

“NTA obviously, but the entire post sounds like you would have preferred a relationship with Lisa, minus all this drama, instead of your current situation with Laura. If you didn’t care for Lisa, you wouldn’t have had coffee to clarify things with her, and you wouldn’t give a d**n about her nefarious plan.” – Electrical-Ad-1798

Others agreed and felt terrible for the OP’s fiancée.

“So Lisa told you that she couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with you because you are a ‘manwh**e,’ but she had no problem using you for casual sex. What would that make her?”

“If she couldn’t see the good in you then, she isn’t marriage material now.”

“And she sure isn’t worth complicating your engagement and upcoming marriage to Laura. Let Lisa stew in her hypocrisy, poor judgment, regret, and stupid standards. Congratulations on your engagement.” – vegasdad_05

“You weren’t her backup plan, dude. You weren’t really anything.”

“You were an option, one that she doesn’t like losing because her rejecting you was validation that someone wanted her.”

“Had you been dumb enough to dump Laura, Lisa would have gotten her validation fix and changed her mind right after, putting you right back in the friendzone you found your way out of.”

“You’re good.”

“A real friend would be happy for you, not going ‘What about meeee?’ and trying to ruin your engagement.” – _A-Q

“Lisa is just jealous that you are moving on. Even if you were to consider dating her again, she will likely friendzone you again when she gets bored or finds someone more interesting.”

“The reason she didn’t tell you ‘how she felt’ is because she’s LYING that ‘she was waiting for you to break up with Laura!'”

“Her ego was stoked that you had originally wanted a romantic relationship with her and by the fact that you used to always be around for whenever she wanted or needed you.”

“Now that she knows you’ve moved on, her little ego is bruised, and she wants you back, only so that she can continue to STRING YOU ALONG.”

“You did good by being honest with Laura about your past relationship with Lisa from the beginning, and by telling Laura when Lisa reached out to you with her craziness, and by just cutting off all contact with Lisa.”

“Keep it that way. Your loyalty to Laura should always come first!”

“Lisa is clearly a manipulator! I think you dodged a bullet!”

“I wish you and Laura much happiness!” – Beautiful_Ad8690

“Laura sounds cool, responsible, and secure. Lisa sounds manipulative as f**k.”

“You’re engaged and it looks like the only reason she’s trotting out the ‘why didn’t you tell meeeeeeeee!’ now to you, the friends, and God knows who else, is because she is desperate to find a crack she can exploit to make you single and pining after her (in her mind).”

“By the way, why did she have to run whining to your mutual friends in the first place? And why are they calling you the a**hole instead of her, since she is the one who was stringing you along? They deserve to be cut off along with Lisa. Start fresh.”

“You’ve found someone who wants you to be her person. I had that once, and it was gone way too soon. Cherish it and best wishes for your bright future.” – PrideOfCapetown

“Do you even like your fiancée? You’re out here defending this girl who only ever considered you a sl*t and only wants you now that she can’t have you. You’re calling her beautiful and saying that if you had known how she felt, you would have dropped your fiancée for her.”

“Be honest with yourself and figure out why you’re defending this woman when she clearly wanted you to be Plan B relationship. I understand you stayed friends with her, but still dude, your comments are highly disrespectful to your fiancée.” – BigEasyH

The subReddit shook their heads at the trouble Lisa was causing in the OP’s successful relationship, simply because she wanted the validation of knowing she had a backup guy.

But they also cautioned the OP against continuing to discuss this with her or really putting any thought into it at all. But continuing to wonder what might have happened, and if Lisa was serious about what she was saying, the OP might begin to question his happiness with Laura and ruin the real relationship that Lisa was too insecure to congratulate.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÜberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.