Coming to a decision about an important aspect of raising your baby as new parents can be taxing. If you and your partner aren’t on the same page, you can be in for a rude awakening when these decisions become an issue.
Throwaway60991 and her husband can’t quite come to an agreement on whether they should breastfeed their child or give him formula. This led the original poster (OP) to make a “mean” comment.
OP wasn’t sure if she was wrong for what she said, and decided to ask Reddit’s “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit the titular question.
OP wonders:
“AITA for meanly telling my husband to respect my decision to use formula?”
She lost her temper, but who lost the argument?
“I F29 gave birth to my son few weeks ago. My husband’s been super involved throughout my pregnancy and is continuing his support.”
“However, few months ago, we were discussing breastfeeding and he said breastfeeding should be our go to method to provide our son with all the nutrition he needs. Given my medical history, breastfeeding was possible but we couldn’t know for sure til I tried it.”
“And it hurt like hell, absolute hell.”
“Everytime I tried to breastfeed I’d experience pain and discomfort. I tried following different ways to make it easier for me but I still got unpleasent feeling. I decided to switch to formula.”
“My husband thought I made a hasty decision by going with formula. He’s done a lot of research on the benefits of breastfeeding and said that not getting breastfed would affect our son’s health and impact his growth and set him up for health issues in the future.”
“I explained my reasons but he kept bringing it up all the time.”
The debate didn’t seem to be settled, since husband kept talking about it.
“Last night he brought it up again after he kept giving me uncomfortable looks in bed when I was feeding our son formula. I asked him why he was staring at me like that and he went on about the decision I made to use formula.”
“He said he thought I chose formula way too soon and didn’t try hard enough to keep breast feed and as a result I’ve ‘given up’ on an opportunity to bond with our son.”
“I was getting annoyed because it seemed like he keeps forgetting why I chose formula but his response was that whatever discomfert I was experiencing, I was being selfish thinking about stuff short term and not realizing how lack of breastfeeding could affect our son in the future. Basically saying I chose my comfort over our son’s health.”
“I lost my temper and in the meanest way, told him that nomatter how much he reads online about this subject, I’m the one going through this experience and the pain and discomfort. And said that he should respect my choice to use formula and stop acting like this decision was made out lack of care or consideration for our son.”
“And if he’s worried formula is expensive then it is what it is because If I can’t be healthy then our son can’t either.”
“He argued saying ‘I’m sorry you got all mad because I was just stating a fact. But I think that as a parent I’m allowed to at least express my thoughts and concerns about what’s been going on’ I replied that it didn’t seem like he was sharing his opinion but more like guiltripping, since he does this on the regular.”
“He said ‘That’s not true and you know it! I’m not even mad or anything I’m just disappointed that you chose this route, that’s all’. This set the tone for the rest of the night.”
“He got out of bed, grabbed his phone and walked out. I felt genuinely bad because the way I look at it, He was just expressing his thoughts and I was so fast to shut him down and treat him as if he isn’t the parent and gets equal say.”
“AITA! Am I being selfish?”
Users of the AITA subReddit judge posters based on their reactions in their story.
This is done by including one of the following in their comment:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board seemed to be in agreement that OP has very valid reasons to not be breastfeeding. While OP’s husband can express his opinion, the repeated nagging is less sympathetic.
Commenters had a whole lot to say about the subject, but none thought badly of OP.
They don’t think OP should feel guilty at all for what she said.
“NTA- He’s guilt-tripping you and as much as he has a right as a parent to be included in decisions of the baby he does not have a right to tell you what you should do with your body.”
“No one does except you and You not breastfeeding because it causes you pain is a great reason but you know what else is a good reason?”
“You simply don’t want to.
“Also if he can research that much on breastfeeding he should also be able to research that formula is not bad and is absolutely fine for development, especially since half the population has been brought up on it.” – anxiousbutlivinglife
“NTA. He’s pushing something that puts the physical and emotional burden 100% on you, and bringing it up repeatedly IS pushing it.”
“The milk thing is like a freakin cult. I was guilted into exclusively pumping since BFing wasn’t working. The only reason I don’t regret it, is later learning about multiple food allergies that might’ve made formula-figuring-out even harder.”
“If he’s that concerned, he can go find somewhere to buy safe breastmilk (probably expensive AF btw, due to the effort involved.)”
“I’d be shocked if he could tell the difference between formula and boob kids, in a kindergarten classroom. Fed is best, and the saner you remain, the more you can be there for your baby in other ways that probably matter a lot more.” – PangolinSignal3674
“You could have been meaner and you’d be justified. I personally would have said, ‘Oh, you’d be much more disappointed if our baby was dead.’ or something similar.”
“I almost lost my son to accidental starvation and I am SAVAGE about people who are a**holes about formula use.”
“NTA. Breastfeeding benefits are massively overstated if you have access to clean water, medical care, food, and shelter anyway.” – Accomplished_Area311
“NTA – breast feeding isn’t for everyone. Some woman don’t produce enough, some babies don’t latch on.”
“Maybe ask him to research from the other side; have him find the articles about women who have difficulties so he can see the full picture. And that in his reading he should have come a across the fact that those first days are the most nutrient rich ‘colostrum’, and you did that…”
“Also, since he is trying to frame it as ‘disappointment’ ask him exactly what he hopes will happen from sharing it with you repeatedly?”
“Does he think you will change your mind? Because that IS a guilt trip. Turn it around – tell him to look at it as fathers of breast fed babies don’t always get that wonderful quiet time of feeding the baby a bottle…does he not want to bond with the baby?”
“Absolutely OK what you did, so the following suggestion is not meant as an insult, just a thought. If the baby actually feeding was uncomfortable, did you consider pumping to feed him the milk?”
“That may have not been as uncomfortable for you and is an alternative some mom’s choose. But again, your choice and you are not wrong to make it.” – Babsgarcia
The subject of breastfeeding can get very touchy. This post was eventually locked, as some commenters were suggesting violence against OP’s husband.
While he may not deserve that, he needs to realize that he’s been pushing his wife way too much over her decision. The debate is over, and he needs to be supportive.