The process of giving birth is both beautiful and terrible, and for many woman, it is simply one or the other. After a difficult birth, a woman is emotional and in pain, and she should be handled with the utmost attention to her needs.
Redditor YogurtclosetLow2153’s family ran afoul of his wife, who had recently given birth, and experienced the consequences of pissing off a woman who had recently gone through a difficult birthing process.
After harsh rebukement from his family members for his wife’s conduct, our original poster, or OP, sought objective feedback from strangers on his decision to take his wife’s side:
“AITA for not sticking up for my grandmother after my wife told her to f- off out of her hospital room?”
OP said the process was gut wrenching for his wife, whose babies ended up in NICU.
“About 3 weeks ago my Wife-33 went into premature labor with our daughter at 31 weeks. It was entirely unexpected and both my wife and our daughter had a horrible time and it became quite dangerous for the both of them.”
“My wife became preeclamptic among other serious complications and for the first week we weren’t even sure if either my wife or our daughter would make it.”
“Luckily they both survived but our daughter is still in the nicu after 3 weeks and probably will be in for another 3, and my wife is still in the hospital as well.”
The number this did on his wife could not be understated:
“It has been a horrible struggle for my wife. Before this she was a very healthy and active person and even during most of her pregnancy she was able to maintain a somewhat active lifestyle, but because of the trauma her body went through she is basically starting back from square one and hasn’t even been able to hold our daughter yet.”
“My wife has had a lot of struggles so far with her birth trauma and feels so confused and hurt by her experience.”
“She told me that she feels betrayed by her own body and even in some of her weakest moments she even said she regretted getting pregnant entirely because of how much she has suffered and she is so worried she’ll never be the person she was again.”
“She feels horrible for having these feelings but I and multiple mental health professionals have been working to help and support her through this.”
After receiving their first visitors, she was confronted with a terrible and insensitive conversation:
“We finally have reached a point where we can receive visitors. Her family lives close but my family lives 3 states away and have been awaiting the chance to meet the baby and check in on my wife.”
“My parents and grandparents flew down and I warned my family beforehand that my wife and daughter are still at very fragile stages and to be patient.”
“When I brought them in to see my wife my grand mother immediately went and wanted to talk to her about the birth and her experience.”
“My wife told her that it was one of the worst experiences of her life and my grandmother responded by telling her that the ‘worst is yet to come’ and that struggling is what being a mother is about.”
“My wife got very upset over this comment and started screaming at her to f- off and to get the f out. I had never seen my wife like this and I could tell she was feeling extremely stressed and I quickly escorted my family out.”
“I told them it would be best if they left for now and we could talk later as not to cause even more stress on my wife.”
The family continued to show less than optimal sensitivity for OP’s wife:
“My family said they were ‘appalled’ by my wife’s behavior and me for not defending my grandmother, but at the end of the day I feel that it is my responsibility to be my wife’s advocator all of the time but especially now.”
“It has become a bit of a ‘tension’ in my extended side of the family however, but I haven’t told my wife about it because I don’t want to stress her out and I plan to deal with this alone entirely.”
“Should I apologize on my wife’s behalf? If I am the AH I’ll own up to it, but I don’t see my wife as an AH at all.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors were firmly on the side of OP and his wife.
“‘Should I apologize on my wifes behalf?’ NO.”
“They had ONE job but your grandmother just HAD to swoop in with that outdated mentality and tell a woman who’s gone through hell and back the ‘worst is yet to come.’ and that ‘struggling is what being a mother is about.'”
“WHO THE HELL TELLS SOMEONE IN YOUR WIFE’S POSITION THAT!? NTA, but you will be if you apologized to them to them for THEIR appalling behavior.”-therealknightshade
“Keep (at least) the grandparents away (if not the parents too), she wanted to hurt your wife. OP, Your wife is trying to heal from a near death experience, PTSD from childbirth, the actual physical birth, and the stress that your baby isn’t even 100% yet.”
“She’s barely held your baby. A lot of hormone regulation and adjustment happens while holding the baby, and she’s not getting that.”
“Her body is not only going to take longer to heal and recover, her entire system is in shock. Just keep supporting her, you sound like you’re doing great.”
“But keep them away – there is no other reason to go in to a hospital room, ask how they’re doing and deliberately put them down when they don’t say ‘wonderful’ except to hurt her.”
“They were pre-warned, and yet grandma still spoke up about bs instead of just ‘I hope you get feeling better.'”
“It’s really that simple. She wanted to hurt your wife. The fact that your extended family is ‘appalled’ doesn’t sit with me well either.”
“Don’t apologize. She’s your wife, she just almost died having y’all’s child. She’s your #1 family now, and they will respect her or leave you both alone.”
“You do have to deal with this alone, and you have to set the boundaries and the example now; it will get so much worse with a baby involved – even if they are 3 states away…. I guarantee it.”
“Seems they don’t care for your wife too much. But that part is just my opinion/assumption based on why they wanted to hurt her now of all times. Maybe think about that as well.”
“Protect your wife and child. I hope they both make a full recovery as safely and as soon as possible. From a fellow mom of a NICU baby – two longest weeks of my life… <3”-thisjustblows8
“Your grandmother is a giant, gaping a**hole for smugly telling her everything would get worse because motherhood is suffering.”
“Saying that to a new mom is horrific. Saying it to one who’s still in the hospital because she nearly goddam died is sickening.”
“Your grandmother deserves to be shunned until she can sincerely and humbly apologize.”-LissaBryan
“NTA x1000!!!”
“You stood up for your wife in her most vulnerable state. That was ridiculously rude of your grandmother.”
“DO NOT apologize to them for your wife. If anything you should ask them to apologize to her. Thank you for having a shiny spine and protecting your wife and baby.”-morbidconcerto
People were shocked at Grandma’s callousness, despite being warned.
“NTA-Grandma needed to be kicked out and she should have kept her mouth shut especially given that you’d warned them about how fragile your wife is right now.”
“You’re doing the best you can for her, which is awesome, but don’t forget to look after yourself too. Birth trauma affects both parents, don’t be afraid to reach out for additional support if you need it.”-CrystalQueen3000
“I had a very traumatic birth experience 2 years ago. I had severe PPD, still struggling with PTSD from the whole ordeal.”
“I was to the point where I regretted getting pregnant and hoped I wouldn’t wake up every time I fell asleep for a while.”
“Knowing the mental state I was in, and what this poor woman is currently enduring, what Grandma said was not only inappropriate, but so dangerous!”
“I could absolutely see myself resorting to drastic measures if someone said that to me in that mental state. Grandma is the AH here, and so is anyone who agrees with her.”
“OP’s wife IS NOT in a healthy mental state right now. I’m so happy he is sticking up for her.”-myhairsreddit
“I think Grandma needs to be checked out because who in their right mind tells a woman who just had a traumatic birth experience that ‘the worst is yet to come???'”
“You did the right thing by supporting your wife. Tell your family that, not only are you and your wife not going to apologize, but unless Grandma and anyone who agrees with her apologizes, they won’t be meeting your daughter any time soon. NTA”-cbm984
“NTA. Your grandmother is a total AH for treating your wife like that and your grandmother is the one who needs to apologize.”
“Also your grandmother has no idea if the worst is yet to come. Raising kids isn’t easy, but a difficult pregnancy and childbirth may be worse than that.”-LookAtNarnia
And people went as far as to say OP would in fact, be the a**hole, if he apologized to her.
“NTA, and I don’t think you should apologize for her, because that implies she did something wrong. This wasn’t a normal day, was it?”
“Your wife had a medical emergency, coupled with with the stress of being a new parent, and your daughter born prematurely.”
“A daughter she hasn’t even been able to hold, yet. Your grandmother’s comments sound like the last thing your wife needed to hear, and you did the right thing by getting them out of there.”
“Rather than apologize, I’d reiterate what happened and stress that she just was not herself.”
“Also stress that if they can’t be supportive right now, then visits will have to wait until either they can be supportive or your wife is to the point where she can handle their insensitivity. Good work sticking up for your wife, OP!”-Cultural-Ambition449
“NTA Older people love to tell us what their version of ‘hard truths’ are, along with unsolicited parenting advice.”
“This is the generation that totally downplayed mental health. You’re your wife and daughters hero, and they’re yours too. You lift each other up! I’m proud of you OP!”-Tiffany-Amber
“Nta. If anything you are a very good husband.”
I”‘ll tell you what, when i had my 1st, I HATED when people kept saying it will get better or will get worse. Like..what am i supposed to do?”
“Ignore the pain and stress i’m already in cos it will get better or just be much more stressful cos it will get worse?”
“Every pregnancy and baby are different. Right now your wife feels like absolute crap. Right now is most important and mothers are humans too.”
“Keep being near your wife cos she is going through a lot physically and emotionally.”-jasemina8487
“NTA, and neither is your wife. She’s dealing with an incredible crash of hormones and emotions–it’s hard enough to explain how it would feel not to get to hold/take home your baby after giving birth, plus the trauma of the experience….”
“Never mind the feeling like your body has absolutely failed you. And the postpartum hormone surge is brutal.”
“Your grandmother was thoughtless and, while I’m sure she didn’t mean harm, should– if she has any empathy from her time as a mother– be able to understand that your wife is in a very very hard place right now and not take it personally, and your family shouldn’t be putting any pressure on either of you right now.”
“In fact, it’s really inappropriate that they are chiming in at all–all you two should be getting is unwavering support, love, and understanding. So sorry you are going through this!”-couldwedance
The old adage, “blood is thicker than water,” is misguided: the entire phrase is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Therefore OP’s relationship with his wife, as he noted and as many Redditors agreed with, comes first.
Hopefully OP’s extended family will come around to the same conclusion.