It's true that some relationships do not work out, but sometimes they don't last for the most ridiculous reasons.
Accusing your spouse of cheating because your newborn baby doesn't look exactly like you is definitely one of them, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor gingernutbiscuitss had been shocked when her husband made such a scene about their newborn baby's appearance, her husband had been thrown out of the hospital, and she made the decision to separate.
But when her mother-in-law and pastor forced their way into her home, urging her to reconsider ending the marriage, the Original Poster (OP) began to wonder what exactly she had married into.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for calling the police on my STB (Soon-To-Be) ex-MIL (ex-Mother-in-Law)?"
The OP was robbed of one of the happiest days of her life: the birth of her child.
"I (27 Female) split from my STB ex-husband (27 Male) three months ago on the day our son was born."
"This is because I am ginger, my husband is blonde, but our baby came out with dark hair. He freaked out in the delivery room, and his behavior got him kicked out of the hospital."
"I had to beg him to do a paternity test, and he finally agreed after a month, and it proved that I didn't cheat."
"We had been together since we were 13, so I was devastated, and all I wanted was him back, but I've come to my senses and decided that someone who believes that school-level punnet squares are the be-all and end-all of biological inheritance is not the type of person I wanna be with."
"I was also treated like crap by everyone but my older brother, Alex, while we were waiting for the results because they all thought I had cheated."
"It was a horrible experience, and as a result, I've lost many friends and family members."
The OP's ex changed his tune after the paternity test results came in.
"Since the results came back, my ex has been begging me to get back with him."
"I moved in with Alex after we split, and he comes almost every day to beg me to get back with him."
"My in-laws have also been harassing me too, especially my MIL, who has come over four times in the past week, asking me to forgive her son and to 'let God back into my heart.'"
"I used to be a Christian, and so are all my in-laws and my family, but how I was treated when my baby was born made me lose faith fast."
"The whole church community treated me like trash during this whole ordeal, and it made me want nothing to do with them anymore, and I don't want to raise my son in that sort of community."
Then the OP's MIL and pastor pushed a literal boundary by trespassing.
"Yesterday, my MIL turned up at Alex's when he wasn't here, and she had the pastor from the church I used to attend with them."
"They practically forced their way in, and I was being berated like a child for not forgiving my ex's 'lapse in judgment.'"
"The pastor basically sat there and said I would be going to hell if I didn't take my ex back."
"I excused myself to use the bathroom and called the police. Pastor and MIL were escorted out."
This, unfortunately, made the situation worse.
"Now, I'm being harassed on social media and being called and texted by literally everyone that knows both me and my ex and his family."
"They're calling me the AH for going nuclear and calling the police on two people who weren't being threatening and they're demanding that I apologize immediately."
"I'm starting to feel bad now because I know they care in their own twisted way, and I shouldn't have gone nuclear on them."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP did the right thing to take care of herself.
"NTA. I was watching '7th Heaven' last night, and Annie is sitting with 'Julie,' whose husband 'isn't so nice' for rules of subreddit sake. When she brings up the argument of 'I made a vow to God; I can't divorce him,' Annie has a rebuttal."
"Now. I am going to paraphrase this based on my own beliefs, so bear with me."
"When you made those vows before your god and the universe, your god wasn't the only one watching. You made a vow before the universe to love and cherish him. But he made vows, too, and one of those is to trust you as he trusts God."
"Would he ever accuse God of cheating or of being unfaithful to anyone? No. He wouldn't."
"Now. I don't know how Christianity feels about contracts, but my religious path deals heavily with them. And in my faith, if the person doesn't uphold their end, then they are the one breaking the contract."
"He didn't protect you. He didn't keep you safe!! He made you feel worthless and betrayed. He didn't do any of the things that he vowed to do, so you shouldn't be held to the terms of that contract... I mean marriage... You have with him In the eyes of any good and kind Lord."
"They practically forced their way in, which means that you were being held hostage in your own home. And that is definitely something that you need to defend yourself from. Any one of us would have called the police in that position." - CassandraArianaBlack
"As a former Christian with a master's degree in the subject, Jesus didn't have much to say about divorce because he was convinced that the world was about to end."
"However, Christians who pay attention to the entire Bible-and, not just the Jesus parts-can flip back to the early prophets, where God very vocally breaks his contract with the people of Israel because they didn't hold up their own end. What I mean to say is that it's very Godly to end a contract (such as a marriage) that the other party has already broken."
"OP, did your STBex pledge to love, honor, and obey? He broke that promise the minute he 1) accused you of infidelity, 2) threw a public tantrum, and 3) spread his unproven accusations to the world instead of keeping them to himself."
"Please tell your Bible-beating ex-friends (right before you delete all your social media accounts) that your ex broke the covenant when he publicly dishonored you. He ended the marriage, not you." - paingry
"He also freaked out so bad when the baby was born that he was removed. How traumatizing is that?!? In such a vulnerable moment. Then it dragged on until she was able to convince him to take the DNA test. Surprised he didn't refuse, and she and baby would still be in limbo."
"Has he even bonded with a baby? Doubt it, and at this point, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want him to." - BinjaNinja1
"NTA. There's no hate like Christian love. The sooner you get away from this circus, the better."
"Don't apologize, don't look back. They are not worth your time. you did nothing wrong at all whatsoever, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." - AdmirableAvocado
"Where was the God in her and the church's hearts? Guilty and punished until proven innocent. Now, they still blame YOU for THEIR behavior because your child had dark hair. Morons don't even understand recessive genes."
"You were emotionally burned at the stake before the results came in. And they are shocked, just SHOCKED, that you aren't running back to them with open arms because they forgive you for making them believe you cheated. Churches like this should be destroyed. NTA." - babcock27
Others gave advice on how to proceed with her divorce.
"Seriously, get a restraining order; with what you've described, you'll definitely be given one, and you deserve it. They are harassing you daily and show up at your home to badger you. That is illegal." - InfectedAlloy88
"Get a divorce and restraining order. Send restraining orders will also significantly help with flying monkeys because restraining orders include other people contacting you and harassing you on that person's behalf. so anything he does to ask or encourage other people to harass you into giving you a second chance? That gets held against him."
"His mother has harassed you persistently enough that you may want to get a restraining order for her separately, though ordinarily should be included under his." - hwutTF
"Good, you should get a divorce. This whole thing is about one thing: Appearances, which worked great to their advantage, until..."
"The DNA test came back, and then it became about damage control to a narrative up till that moment everyone around you had full control of."
"That's what that little 'visit' was about, trying to save face and make it all go away to keep that appearance of 'everything is fine,' while accepting none of the blame, nor truly apologizing 'from the heart.'"
"They just want this to go away, cause every single one of them realized just how bad they F'd up, but won't admit it." - Blades137
"Make sure to document EVERYTHING he and his family have been doing to you. It should all go before the court. It'll make a difference in what they give you as a parenting plan. Filing for an order of protection against all of them (the ex, the mother, and the pastor) would be wise as well."
"And if they try to show up and berate you again, take out your phone and videotape everything they say or do. Very visibly. If they know that videotape will go in front of the court, they may change their minds about what they were planning to say." - VoyagerVII
"NTA. The sooner you're legally untangled from that family, the better." - CrystalQueen3000
The subReddit applauded the OP for advocating for herself by separating from her husband, filing for divorce, and even calling the police, because it was clear no one else was going to advocate for her.
If anything, the subReddit encouraged her to continue to push for herself during the divorce process, particularly in the sense of documenting anything she didn't want to happen to her again.
No matter how she decides to proceed with her ex, that is one lucky baby to have such a strong mom in their corner. We wish them both well as they sort out this situation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp