Blended families can be a beautiful union.
You're basically taking two groups of people who dearly love each other and uniting them as one.
But in order for a blended family to feel like one united ball of joy and love, everyone has to be on board... especially the parents.
A dad on Reddit was livid after his wife demanded his son get out of a family photo with her biological children, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor MkUrF8 asked:
"AITAH For Losing It On My Wife After She Told My Son to 'Get Out of the Picture' at My Stepdaughter's Birthday?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm really struggling here and starting to feel like I'm losing my mind."
"I think I'm being gaslit, so what better place to get some clarity than Reddit?"
"Here's the situation."
"I've been married to my wife for 8 years, and on the whole, we have a good relationship."
"She has four kids (two daughters, two sons, ages 11-16) from a previous relationship, and I have one son, who's 10."
"Since day one, I've treated her kids as my own and done my best to support the family."
"Financially, it's a big load, but I'm happy to do it."
"We live together in a five-bedroom house, where each of her daughters has their own room, her oldest son has his own, and her youngest son shares a room with my son."
"The main issue—and what's tearing me apart—is how she treats my son."
"She barely acknowledges him, rarely asks how he's doing, and generally acts like he's invisible."
"Tonight, it hit a breaking point."
"We were celebrating her daughter's 11th birthday, and everyone was gathered to sing and take pictures."
"I told my son to get in with the group for a picture, which seemed fine."
"But then, right after the group photo, my wife looked at my son and told him, 'Get out of the picture, move to the side—I want one with just my kids.'"
"I felt like my heart shattered in that moment."
"I completely lost it."
"I told her that we're supposed to be a blended family and that my son deserves to be treated like one of her own."
"I feel like she's drawing lines between 'her' kids and 'my' son, and it just doesn't sit right with me."
"For context, my son's biological mom passed away two years ago, supposedly from Covid complications, though she had a history of drug problems that may have worsened things."
"My son only has my wife now as a mother figure."
"I'm terrified that this rejection from her is going to hurt him deeply and cause psychological damage."
"Am I asking too much for her to treat him like part of the family?"
"I don't want to be overreacting, but the way she flat-out ignores him is painful to witness."
"AITA for expecting her to step up and include him?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation, and agreed that OP is NTA (not the a**hole) for "losing it."
"NTA: She acted cool with him until she hooked you then the true colors came through."
"She's an evil step mother to your boy."
"I suggest getting her and her kids out of your house and focus on putting your son first."
"Her behavior is hurtful, inappropriate and unacceptable."
"Choose your son." - Kindly_Good1457
"Nta."
"Divorce. she's only using your money to raise her kids."
"Hope you have a prenup." - Shichimi88
They did feel, however, that he is the a**hole (YTA) for knowing his son is treated unfairly and taking no action, with many noting the photo incident is not the first time he's witnessed this kind of behavior from his wife.
"If this is real, YTA for allowing it to continue - downright ignoring him, you say? - until this point." - YourMysticVixen
"If she hasn't stepped up in 8 years, she never will."
"YTA for subjecting your son to your horrible wife for way too long." - ComprehensivePut5569
"YTA because you know this isn't the first time she's treated him like this."
"She's known him since he was 2 years old?"
"She's a horrible human."
"Do what's best for your son."
"-you're not overreacting, you are not reacting enough-" - oy-c*nt-
"YTA OP."
"A father who stands by while his wife abuses his son is an abusive father."
"Your abuse takes the form of neglect."
"If you were a good man and good father you'd divorce that b*tch and take care of your son."
"And if you think I'm being extreme ask yourself this."
"What would your late wife say if she saw how you were letting this woman treat your son."
"The greatest gift she ever gave you."
"And you let this new woman do this to him?" - island_lord830
"YTA - Your son has already been hurt (and I'm sure has/will have psych issues) from the rejection by your wife."
"Don't fool yourself."
"You're supposed to protect him!"
"You're failing as a father right now, so get it together."
"This isn't something you can change by just asking your wife to include him."
"You should have never married someone who did not love your son in the first place."
"Your son comes first. Even before your wife." - Remarkable_Buyer4625
"YTA For allowing your child to be abused in his own home and family."
"When do you EVER plan on putting YOUR child first?"
"Get your child some therapy and DIVORCE the sorry excuse for a mother."
"The poor child, who has had to grow up thinking he's not a real member of his OWN family."
"8 years!"
"You need to do better for him!" - JennieGee
"YTA for allowing her to push him to the side while you're simultaneously making space for her biological children."
"He's getting squeezed out by everyone and getting crumbs of your attention."
"You're currently building a relationship of resentment with your son."
"He will grow to resent you for:"
"1. Marrying someone who doesn't accept him as her child"
"2. Staying with this woman for years knowing she's borderline neglectful that you know of."
"3. Making him split the time he has with his one living parent with 4 other kids, and an adult who doesn't give a single sh*t about him."
"If you continue to allow this behavior toward him, you're going to be coming back to Reddit in 8 years asking g why your son is NC."
"YTA for not losing it on her sooner."
"She doesn't see him as hers, and never will."
"She's helped raise him since he was a toddler and still draws the line between him and her bio kids."
"If you can live with that, you deserve the NC you'll receive in 8 years."
"Family therapy or divorce if you want to show your son he matters." - Friendly-Client6242
"So basically, your wife has been treating your son like an unwanted boarder since he was two and until now you've been okay with this?"
"She barely acknowledges him?"
"Wow, you should have said/done something about this many years ago."
"Your son's been through a lot, new mother figure (failure), with four golden children, then his bio mother dies."
"You are also at fault here, you've treated her children as your own and your boy is barely an afterthought to her."
"She's a monster and YTA to your son." - Bigstachedad
"YTA for not protecting your kid."
"Unfortunately you were looking at it as 'our kids' and that POS you married for some godforsaken reason has always looked at it as 'my kids' and 'your kid.'"
"Time to give 'her kids' the same treatment she gives yours."
"Or better yet, get away from that woman and divorce."
"Your son comes first, you are all he has in the world" - omfgwtfbbqkkthx
"YTA for letting it get this far."
"You said at the beginning of the post you treat her four kids like your own but she can't do the same."
"Why are you allowing your kid to go through this?"
"Why are you with a woman who treats your kid like this."
"You need to ask yourself is my relationship with this woman worth it at the risk that my child is hurt?"
"Your kid is 10 now but if this treatment continues you might lose your only child because of this."
"And if you confront your wife and she says she'll treat your son well, how sure will you be able to trust her?"
"What will happen the times you aren't home?"
"Will she pretend to play happy family with you while you're there but show a different face to your son."
"You seriously need to reconsider this whole relationship for YOUR CHILD."
"Not hers. YOURS." - FindingFit6035
"Your son deserves better than this."
"You're supposed to protect him and look out for him and you're failing spectacularly." - Idonotgiveacrap
"YTA for not prioritizing your child."
"If she treats him like that in your presence, how badly do you think she treats him when you're NOT THERE?"
"Divorce that leach" - Haunting-Nebula-1685
Hopefully, fellow Redditors' comments will open OP's eyes to the real issue.
It sounds like OP has much to ponder, but he should take their advice and put his son first.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp