Weddings and family feuds.
Family issues are probably 90% of the reason people elope.
Case in point…
Redditor Nearby_Currency9029 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not giving my newly engaged cousin my grandmothers engagement ring?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So my (22 F[emale]) cousin ‘Becky’ (22 F[emale]) got engaged over New Years.”
“When Becky’s Fiancée asked my uncle’s permission, my uncle offered my Grandma’s engagement ring (she died when were 3) because he thought that he had the ring.”
“The ring had already passed through 2 generations to get to my grandmother, so he wanted to continue the tradition.”
“The ring wasn’t willed to anyone, nor did she verbally say who she wanted the rings to go to (as far as I’m aware), but my uncle thought that he had it because he was the oldest brother.”
“Anyway, it turns out that after my grandma died in the process of clearing out her flat and stuff, my dad ended up with her engagement ring and wedding band.”
“Over Covid lockdowns, we were having a clear-out to see what we could donate to charity shops, and we found the rings with some of my grandma’s other stuff in the attic.”
“I asked my dad if he could have the engagement ring because I think it’s pretty (emerald and diamond).”
“I paid to have the ring cleaned, re-plated, and have the settings checked.”
“I now wear the ring fairly regularly because since starting my career after Uni, I’ve started to wear more jewelry because it think it’s a simple way of looking more put together and polished.”
“My uncle, aunt and cousin (we’re both only children) have been hunting around their house for the rings since late October, and Becky’s fiancée proposed with some costume jewelry.”
“My parents and I didn’t know about any of this at the time.”
“Over the weekend, Becky had her engagement party, I wore the ring not thinking much of it because it went with what I was wearing (green velvet jumpsuit).”
“Of course, Becky and my uncle recognized the ring right away, accusing my dad of stealing from under them when my grandma died.”
“He was there first, and my parents did the majority of the packing because she lived closer to us.”
“And accusing me of wearing it just to spite them and telling me that I ruined the evening and demanding that I give the ring over.”
“I told them I didn’t know they were looking for the ring, and if they had mentioned it to me or my parents, we could have told them I had the ring.”
“I don’t want to give her the ring because I consider it my ring (it ended up with my dad, and he gave it to me).”
“I paid for it to be resized/cleaned/re-plated/settings fixed; it’s my favorite/most worn piece of jewelry (because I like how it looks and the sentimental value of it being my grandma’s because I don’t really remember her so it helps me feel connected to her).”
“And my Grandma expressed no preference to who the ring went to.”
“They argue that Becky should get the ring because she’s the daughter of the eldest son (my aunt is the only girl and currently has no children or plans to get married).”
“And Becky got engaged first, so she should get the ring for that.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. If he didn’t know he didn’t have the ring for 19 years, he doesn’t deserve the heirloom!”
“And not mentioning the missing item to his own brother shows his narcissism of being eldest.”
“Finally… no will?”
“Finders keepers, sister!”
“Keep wearing it in good faith.” ~ AFChiefSunshine
“That was my thinking too, they for 19 years didn’t realise they didn’t have the ring.”
“When you clear someone’s house that you love, you remember what items you took and where they are, at least, I do anyway.”
“Would be interested in what a court would rule as the argument would likely be that it’s been safely in your Dad’s possession for years, was given to you by your Dad, and you invested in having it made to fit you and be restored.”
“I would be surprised if a ring was suddenly taken to give to another sibling’s daughter who has got engaged first.” ~ Empressario
“And OP acquired the ring in good faith as well.”
“It’s passed to a third party who actually spent money on it in reliance of the previous owner’s representations; many common law countries will likely recognize 0- as having some equitable interest in the property.”
“Don’t worry about such comments, lol OP.” ~ bananaspilled
“OP isn’t really a ‘3rd party’ since she’s not arm’s length from Dad.”
“This isn’t as cut and dried legally as you are making it out to be.”
“Seems like dad took possession of the ring AFTER grandma died.”
“So the ring is part of the estate, and the other heirs should have been informed Dad found the ring in grandma’s apartment.”
“Since the will didn’t give the ring to anyone in particular, they would then hash out who got to have it.”
“Or if no agreement could be reached, they sell it and split proceeds.”
“Neither of these women ‘deserve’ the ring.”
“There’s no real way to split it, but morally and legally, they should have had a discussion before OP went and resized it. ESH.” ~ starchy2ber
“As someone who has gone through this process in the US in the last year, there is truth to what you say, but there are usually many variables.”
“Luckily, my personal experience was pretty smooth with little conflict.”
“Being an executor is much different from being ‘someone who cleans out the house of the deceased.'”
“An estate does not necessarily have to go through the probate process.”
“It depends on the laws of your state, and there are written guidelines to help you figure it out.”
“The executor is named in the Will of the deceased or appointed by the Probate Court.”
“Generally speaking, an executor is paid a percentage of the money coming into and out of the estate, from bills paid and items sold.”
“From what I’ve seen, a Will MAY list individual items to be given to certain people, it may also just instruct that everything be divided equally or in some other way amongst the heirs/beneficiaries.”
“The person handling the estate can make a detailed list of items with estimated values, and the beneficiaries/heirs can indicate what items they are interested in.”
“If no one wants a particular item, it can be sold and the money divided.”
“If more than one person wants an item, then some negotiating must occur.”
“While the OP’s dad may have been an AH by taking the rings, his brother is the AH for just assuming the rings belonged to him.”
“Neither of them handled the issue properly.”
“And for this spat to occur almost twenty years after Grandma’s death is absurd.”
“OP is NTA in any way, shape, or form.” ~ HallGardenDiva
“I don’t know, it could be like when my grandma died and my aunt tried to claim EVERYTHING.”
“’Oh, Mom always wanted me to have that’… from dishcloths to her wedding ring.”
“I got one piece of costume jewelry, and that was it.”
“My dad, who was so good to her, didn’t really get much because of this.”
“If they had put some stuff away in storage, and my dad came across something valuable but unclaimed, I could see him just quietly giving it to me or my mom since Aunt already got so much and refused to give anything up.”
“I don’t know if it’s right or not, but I’m saying we don’t always know the circumstances, and my take on the original OP is NTA.” ~ Content_Row_3716
“I don’t read it as Dad finding the ring in the apartment.”
“It seems that they didn’t know they had it until recently, so I’m guessing Dad took home some boxes from Grandma’s house and stuck them in the attic.”
“If so, there’s a question as to whether it was agreed between the heirs/executors that whatever might be in those boxes was his.”
“Otherwise, I agree that the ring must pass under the will, and if there’s no specific provision, it forms part of the residuary estate, which probably goes to the children jointly.”
“If so, I think Dad should have the ring valued and pay his siblings their share of its value, but there’s a lot we don’t know here.
“In any case, OP’s NTA.” ~ JayHardee
“This is a bit of a NAH situation.”
“With things like heirloom jewelry, especially something that would be a sentimental piece like an engagement ring, it should be discussed about where it goes.”
“Once your dad found it, he should have mentioned it to his brother, and they could have made the decision together.”
“The gems could have been split to make both of you girls a ring, or they could’ve been kept whole, and the determination of where it went could’ve been made collaboratively.”
“You’re now in an unfortunate position where you’re attached to the ring, and your uncle and cousin are feeling like this was a bit sneaky and underhanded by your dad.”
“Everyone is allowed to feel upset here, and truthfully, I think either everyone is going to need to be willing to compromise or cut their losses, but there will be an added strain to the relationship.”
“You won’t be wrong to keep the ring.” ~ coastalkid92
OP, Reddit is with you.
It all feels a bit ‘finders/keepers,’ but there seems to be a lot of innocent misunderstanding.
You never intended to hurt anyone.
Good luck going forward with what you decide.