When a person perpetually dismisses the petty grievances of their spouse, they eventually reach a tipping point after there has been mounting resentment.
That’s what happened to a male Redditor, who touted himself as someone who is obsessed with cooking.
He is married to a woman who is completely the opposite.
When he ran out of patience after a specific incident, he visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for being annoyed at my wife’s refusal to learn basic food preparation?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (32M) used to be very obsessed with cooking. I can invent new recipes with interesting ingredients, prepare a 3 course meal for a large group of guests, handle most techniques, etc.”
“However, now I work in tech for very long hours (60-90 hours peer week), and don’t have time to cook during the week.”
“Because of this my (30F) wife does most of the cooking during the week for our family (2 kids), and I cook on weekends. We have a traditional relationship where she doesn’t work and instead looks after the kids during the week, while I bring in the money.”
“We have enough money to hire cleaners so that’s not really part of our domestic arrangements.
Unfortunately, my wife is very bad at cooking, and has no interest in learning.”
“She will consistently make basic mistakes like burning bread or undercooking meat, and it’s difficult for me to stomach some of the meals she prepares.”
“I have repeatedly offered to pay for her to take cooking classes but she refuses, and when I try and give her advice on cooking it annoys her as she finds it patronizing, so to keep the peace I mostly shut my mouth and try to just get the food down without acting disgusted.”
“Things came to a head the other day when she brought me a big glass of warm water with 3 small ice cubes in it. I know this seems probably petty but I have explained to her (politely) more than a dozen times over the last year that when you make a glass of water you simply fill the glass mostly with ice and put cold water in it, rather than getting warm water from the tap and dunking 3 cubes in it.”
“After she brought it I took it back to the kitchen, threw it out, and got my own glass of ice water and she got very offended. I explained that making a satisfying glass of water properly is such a basic thing that at this point it feels like she does it purposely for the sake of being stubborn and resisting following my advice.”
“I don’t know of anyone else in my friends and family network who can’t prepare a refreshing glass of water. It’s something you can teach a 5 year old child to do in 10 minutes.”
“She accused me of being petty and said I should just shut up and drink the water. That I was being a total baby for making an issue out of it.”
“I totally agree this all sounds petty but I don’t know how to progress the situation. Her preparation of food and water is just so bad, and she doesn’t want to make any changes to the way she does it.”
“Whenever I make meals for anyone, especially my family, I put a lot of effort into making sure they enjoy it.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
“It is absolutely weaponized incompetence on her part. OP’s post has filled up with people like his wife, who have no taste in food. Look at the extensive discussions about how warm water is just as good as cold water.”
“If you get warm water out of the tap, instead of cold water, you’re pulling water out of the hot water heater, which often mineral deposits (often rusted) & other gross things in it (unless you have an advanced filtration system before the hot water heater intake).”
“You’re literally not supposed to use hot water heater water for drinking & cooking for that reason, even though it’s not toxic. Giving that to someone as drinking water instead of pulling from the cold water tap is just gross.”
“People who have good taste in food can taste the difference between water from the hot water tap and the cold water tap. And even if she can’t taste the difference, it’s still extremely offensive that she keeps ignoring him and giving him the opposite of what he finds drinkable when it takes the same amount of effort to get water from the cold water tap as from the tap connected to the hot water heater.”– rhetorical_twix
“To add to that, because there are a few people calling you petty over the water glass. You have a preference of how you like your water. She is actively, intentionally ignoring that preference. You then go and fetch a glass of water for yourself. SHE gets annoyed.”
“Imagine your partner purposefully giving you a drink you dislike and then getting angry when you get the thing you want. What is this kind of logic.”
“You are allowed to enjoy things whichever way you want, and you are allowed to want a partner who is accomodating. So NTA on all accounts, and your wife sounds like a total leech from what you tell us. You work, cleaners clean, maid takes care of the kids… Sounds like she is trying to get out of cooking as well.”
“Obviously we only know your side, but from what I read Id be seriously asking myself is this is the relationship I want to have.” – Thatagataa
“NTA, She is trying to get out of cooking since she got out of cleaning. You know she is doing this on purpose.”
“You dont have a wife you have a teenager in an adult body. Not willing to learn new things and purposely screwing up is petty. Have a discussion with her and maybe its time for the roles to change.”
“Also this behaviour is a red flag. She expects you to not only eat what ever she makes and pretend its good but also doeant want to improve or learn and gets offended at advice. What else is she refusing to learn? Who is she going to teach the kids stuff?”
“How is she a good role model to the kids by being passive agressive and petty and shows if you dont want to learn basic stuff you can just behave badly and make the other person take it? Regardless of gender this is an issue.” – Sabbatha13
“NTA. If the genders were reversed we would call this weaponsised incompetence. Complex cooking is a difficult skill which not everyone can master.”
“But every competent adult can cook basic food by learning some basic skills (like why not make crockpot meals? It’s very simple and you just throw it all in). I don’t care how much she doesn’t enjoy it, it’s part of her job and she needs to learn the basics.”
“What is she feeding the children during the day if she can’t even make toast or cook meet through. It doesn’t take a special skill to be able to check if juices run clear, or to use a meat thermometer. She needs to step up.” – RambunctiousOtter
“NTA. If I worked 60-90 hours a week, paid for a maid and a nanny, AND did all the cooking on the weekends, I’d be upset too.”
“He knows he can’t be there to help her so he hires someone and now she doesn’t have much to do. He only asks that she cook food part of the week and she does it so badly it’s causing him stress.”
“For most people, food is a big part of life, and having to eat terrible food eat when you love it so, is demoralizing. I think she does do it on purpose to try and get him to pay for a personals chef as well. NTA my dude, NTA.” – MajereMoon
“I know he is coming across that way but as a cook, yeah… it’s really hard to deal with little things like that. They add up. And if that’s his main meal every day and she refuses to take any advice… yikes.”
“This is just his rant about this very specific problem. I don’t think it sounds entitled because I just totally get where he’s coming from. Even the part about putting the ice first and then the water.”
“That stuff comes natural to me. I never even thought about it, and this guy is pointing it out to his wife. Like yeah I would definitely notice this too.”
“My husband gets annoyed with me when I give him cooking pointers too. Like heat the pan before you put the meat in it.. I say it as gently as possible but it’s weird how resistant some people are to basic cooking techniques. And it’s really frustrating when you have to eat that persons cooking day in and day out knowing it could so easily be 10x better, even still being cooked by the same person.”
“OP. I feel this post in my soul man… NTA.” – Comics4Cooks
Overall, many Redditors were dumbfounded as to why anyone would serve warm tap water with a couple ice cubes in it.
Redditors also thought the OP’s frustration towards his wife was very much warranted, and they agreed that she needs to step it up in the kitchen.