Finding the perfect wedding dress can be a real struggle for some brides.
Every bride wants to look their most fabulous!
Sometimes the dress a bride wears has meaning and history.
This can be a sticking point for certain family members.
So what is a bride to do?
Redditor Fun-Complaint3377 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my mother-in-law I can't wear the wedding dress she wore because of our dress size differences?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"The wedding dress my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] (49 F[emale]) wore for her wedding is a US dress size 4."
"I'm (27 F) a US dress size 16."
"MIL and F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] (49 M) had always wanted whoever their son (25 M) married to wear MIL's dress."
"When it came time to give a definite answer, I told MIL I can't wear the dress because of our size differences."
"She told me I can wear it, I just have to either lose weight or alter the dress."
"I told her no."
"She called me selfish."
"FIL is on her side, my fiancé is on my side."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I'm sorry, but it's weird they want their son's bride to wear his mother's dress."
"NTA. But they need to get a grip." ~ Decent-Historian-207
"Yeah, that feels really creepy to me. If the bride asks to wear the dress, that's one thing."
"Hoping your own daughter will want to wear your wedding dress is understandable.'
"Expecting your daughter-in-law to wear your wedding dress, that's weird." ~ Rhiannon8404
"Exactly. There's a big difference between offering a dress as a sweet, sentimental gesture and putting pressure on someone to fit into it."
"Forcing that expectation just makes it awkward for everyone." ~ BeautyWilllow
"NTA. The fact that they want you to wear their son's mother's wedding dress is odd enough."
"Your comfort should be the priority here, and if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit."
"They need to respect that." ~ LetsPlayNaughty94
"NTA. Altering a size 4 up to a 16 isn't tailoring, it's basically remaking the dress."
"You'd destroy the original and still risk a weird fit." ~ Alice-003
"It's 100% fatphobia."
"Forget altering the dress from 4 to 16, destroying the garment."
"Altering your body from 16 to 4, just to wear a dress for one day, will destroy your body and your brain."
"It qualifies as a dramatic body change, and there's plenty of anecdotal and scientific evidence about how hard that change is on a person, regardless of whether they're able to maintain it." ~ TheUnculturedSwan
"Assuming that your MIL has, shall we say, become a bigger person over the decades, I suggest that you invite her to wear her wedding dress to your wedding."
"Tell her that if it no longer fits, she can lose weight or alter the dress."
"Meantime, you go out and find the dress that brings joy to your heart."
"NTA, although your MIL is auditioning for that role." ~ TararaBoomDA
"NTA. Your MIL and FIL are implying that they think you are overweight."
"Unless it's a custom-made Vera Wang or something like that... and even so, you'd think MIL would want to save the dress for future granddaughters, not try to force her D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] to marry her son in it."
"They are being mean and manipulative, and I truly hope your S[ignificant] O[ther] is up to the challenge of supporting and defending you against their future bullshit and that he will always put you first." ~ rmebmr
"Your MIL is absolutely unreasonable to think a size 4 dress can be made over to a size 16."
"Incorporating the old dress into the new is, of course, up to you."
"I remain just jaw-unhinged flabbergasted that your MIL had the audacity to suggest that you even try to lose enough weight to go from a size 16 to 4!!!!"
"That is just... incredibly, incredibly RUDE!!!"
"Does your fiancé's family normally treat you like this?"
"And what the heck is HE saying about all of this????"
"NTA. NTA. NTA." ~ busyshrew
"It is incredibly brazen of her to just assume her son's fiancée would want to wear her dress."
"Obviously, she chose her own wedding dress, so why would she think OP wouldn't want to choose her own dress?"
"Size has nothing to do with it."
"What if OP's mom had a beautiful wedding dress that she wanted to wear?"
"Future MIL needs to shut up and be supportive."
"It's not her wedding, and it's not her decision." ~ shaylgarcia
"Tell your fiancé that he needs to step up and deal with his mother directly himself. NTA." ~ annang
"As someone who learned to sew as a child, you can not alter a size 4 dress to accommodate a size 16. It will not even remotely be the same dress, and it will look like a Frankenstein."
"Tell future MIL that you love that she had this wonderful idea, but you would not dream of butchering her beautiful wedding dress."
"Perhaps your daughter could wear it one day."
"Then, go find your dream dress." ~ Beyond_The_Pale_61
"NTA. The difference between size 4 and size 16 is too big to alter a dress nicely, and losing weight is your decision and not easy either."
"You could compromise by incorporating some details from MIL's dress, if possible (such as lace or other elements that are feasible and visually appealing)."
"Alternatively, you could wear her veil if she wants to preserve the dress itself."
"There are options here." ~ Informal-Insurance63
"NTA. The size issue aside, MIL is TA for making somebody else's wedding dress about her."
"She's a selfish jerk for making a demand like that." ~ Reliant20
"NTA. It simply won't be possible, even if you want it to be."
"If you'd like to incorporate a piece of the dress into your own, then so be it. "
"Your fiancé had better be supporting you vocally and loudly."
"If your MIL doesn't drop this, I'd be talking to your fiancé about what kind of relationship he expects to have with them moving forward." ~ EmbarrassedRaccoon34
"Look, you wouldn't be the a**hole even if you were also a size 4 and simply didn't WANT to wear her dress."
"So this sort of obnoxious, controlling behavior from your MIL seals the deal that you're NTA." ~ curlykewing
"I mean, obviously NTA."
"That's just not possible."
"Would it be possible for you to take some trim or lace or something from it and incorporate it into the dress you wear?"
"Or use the veil?"
"I feel like there are plenty of sentimental things you can do (if you want to) without wearing the dress." ~ riontach
"NTA. It's a lovely idea, but it just won't work."
"Ask MIL to tell you about how excited she was when she went wedding dress shopping and how she felt when she found her perfect dress."
"Then tell her that's the experience you want to have - to go shopping and try on different dresses until you find your perfect fit."
"Ask her to be part of your excitement and to come with you and whoever you're taking with you."
"Ask her to understand that if she insists that you wear her dress, she's taking away your bridal experience."
"Good luck!" ~ 3bag
"She can want all she wants; you are under no obligation to acquiesce."
"I've always dreamed of having a million dollars, doesn't mean it's going to happen."
"NTA." ~ waywardjynx
"NTA. There is no healthy way to shrink from a Size 16 to Size 4 in time for the wedding - even attempting it is likely to have a very bad effect on your health, and it's appalling that MIL even suggested it." ~ Astreja
"Your MIL decided that you would wear a dress without even knowing you."
"You're allowed to have your own dreams and ideas of what you want to wear."
"If she'll allow you to use pieces of it, you can use it in a bouquet, as a pocket square/tie for your husband, a hair piece, a purse, etc."
"But in general, you don't have to wear anything you don't want to for any reason at all. NTA." ~ Sami_George
"IF you want to make peace, a part of her dress can be incorporated into a dress of your choosing."
"Some lace or decoration."
"But their dream of seeing their son marry Mom is creepy."
"So. NTA." ~ GoodAcanthocephala95
"NTA. Putting the size difference aside - it's your wedding and you get to choose your own dress, period."
"I can understand a bride choosing to wear her mother's (if she does choose)."
"But your mother-in-law's dress? Why?"
"It's sweet of her to offer, but you are well within your rights to say no.
"I'm glad your fiancé is backing you on this." ~ Princess-She-ra
"How in the world did your fiancé's parents decide that whomever he married would wear HER dress in the first place?"
"I'm still trying to get past THAT part!!"
"If your fiancé knew this growing up, he should have nipped it in the bud long ago! ...and is he only on your side only in private, or has he actually said this in FRONT of his parents with YOU present?"
"You might want to make sure of all of that BEFORE you take that walk down the aisle!!"
"NTA!!!" ~ MamaDee1959
"NTA. Altering the dress so it would fit you would change the look of the dress (unless you want seams at all the wrong places), and MIL also wouldn't like that, I guess."
"But you should wear whatever you want to wear." ~ Worldly_Pop7486
"This is an insane request."
"You don't have to wear the dress."
"It's weird that she's insisting you wear it."
"Have your partner deal with his mother."
"This is not an issue you need to involve yourself in." ~ REDDIT
Reddit supports you, OP.
This is your wedding, you can wear whatever dress you want for YOUR wedding.
Your MIL has overstepped.
It's nice to hear you have the support of your SO.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp