Freebies for family are something a lot of professionals deal with. Whether they’re in the building trades or medical fields, some family members will expect their services for free.
Some do it and are happy with the results, while others do it and have nothing but horror stories about how they were treated or taken advantage of.
And what if the ask is for a pure want, not a need?
As a plumber, do you help for free when a family member has no running water in their home, but not when they want to remodel their second functional bathroom because they don’t like how it looks?
An orthodontist wrestling with family wants and not needs turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
_ThrowawayDoc_ asked:
“AITA for refusing free dental work to my financially struggling family members?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m an orthodontist, 35, married to a wonderful woman, 33. Her family’s always been great, but I recently had to set a boundary.”
“My brother-in-law asked me to do free orthodontic work for his kids. I told him I couldn’t, that I don’t do free treatments, even for family—my own included.”
“Free service would mean I would be the one covering all the costs. Nothing is free; someone has to pay my office staff and for any equipment or devices.”
“It’s not just my time/service. I would’ve considered doing it if it was. It’s the entire team that works together. The assistant, the hygienist, the receptionist, etc…”
“Plus dental materials aren’t cheap. And ortho work is not just one appointment, it’s likely gonna be multiple appointments over the next few years. And they want ALL of that to be free.”
“I’ve done free dental check ups for these kids (they’re 13 and 16 now) many times—the last one being about a year back—and they didn’t have any issues with their dentition. So unless they somehow developed severe malocclusions within a span of one year, I doubt it’s anything that’s gonna impact their quality of life or oral function.”
“It’s braces for aesthetic reasons only. There are different dental insurance plans. Most of them don’t cover ortho work that’s done for aesthetic reasons (while something like ortho work to correct functional issues would be covered).”
“Some plans cover both. I don’t know what insurance plan they have.”
“He got upset, saying I’m selfish and greedy because I’m successful. He made snide comments about doctors making a lot of money.”
“When he said ‘What’s a few thousand dollars to you?’, I told him my bank account isn’t a piggy bank for family members.”
“I explained it’s about principle—fairness and consistency in my practice. Waiving fees for family would mess that up. It wouldn’t be fair to my other patients who pay full price.”
“To be honest, my brother-in-law’s family is struggling financially, and it’s hard to see them dealing with that. But I still can’t justify giving them free treatment for something they don’t need.”
“He inherited his dad’s restaurant business that was pretty successful up until a few years back. The downfall started way before COVID.”
“It used to be a very profitable business, but around 2018-19 it was already incurring loses because he made some questionable decisions and now the business is in shambles. He’s working on some new start up thing, though.”
“My wife agrees with me, but she’s really torn up about the whole thing. She’s sad that her brother’s being so critical and that it’s causing tension between us.”
“She completely understands and supports my decision. It’s just that it’s very irritating to me because they keep bothering her about this particular topic. At this point, she’s even stopped picking up their calls.”
“It’s taking a toll on her, and that bothers me more than his entitlement. I’m frustrated he’s dragging her into this.”
“To make things worse, even my in-laws are chiming in. My mother-in-law and father-in-law keep telling me I’m being unfair and that family should come first.”
“They say I should ‘help out’ since we’re financially stable. But I don’t think that’s reasonable.”
“To clarify, I’d help with discounts or payment plans, but free treatment? No. For the record, I offer no free treatments—not even for my own family.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to give free treatment to my BIL’s children. He has three kids and two of them need some aesthetic orthodontic correction with their teeth; that’s like thousands of dollars worth of service.”
“I might be the a**hole because my BIL and his family are struggling financially and can’t afford the treatment, and the family wants me to make an exception for them, but I am not doing that as I feel it’s not fair to my other patients who pay the price.”
“I’ve offered to discuss discount or future payment plans, but they want it all for free. I offered that as a compromise so they’d stop bothering my wife.”
“I thought they’d accept that, but no, it has to be free.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Discounts and payment plans aren’t enough? You’re doing what most dentists I’ve known do for family—they still have to pay the hygienists and assistants and front office staff, as well as for materials… free service means none of that is covered. Just no. NTA.” ~ tosser9212
“Ah, so apparently he doesn’t understand how business works since he managed to run his into the ground.”
“NTA—you have a lot of overhead to run your office. You were being more than generous to offer a discount.” ~ sdbremer
“NTA. There are lots of ways for your BIL to pay for it, he just doesn’t want to because he feels entitled.”
“Ask your MIL and FIL if they are going to pay for your staff or if they are expecting your staff to work for free as well.”
“Then explain to them that the reason you are financially stable is because you don’t make bad financial decisions, like their son does. That you doing the treatments for free is a bad financial decision that you will not be doing because it would put you out of business.”
“And that even if they agreed to pay you up front, you would refuse to do the work because BIL has proven himself to be too big of a risk to you and your family. Then cut them off and tell your wife that she’s now responsible for all communication with them because them getting involved in this crossed a f*cking line.” ~ Alternative-Number34
“Perhaps your in-laws can pay for these treatments since they’re being so generous with money in the name of family. NTA.” ~ LadybugGirltheFirst
“NTA. My husband ran into this with my family when he was doing computer repair. He did free work for them, but that meant that he wasn’t doing paid work in that time slot.”
“He also ended up paying for costs like gas to drive out to them, and parts. Then extended family wanted free work, and then their friends, etc…”
“In the end they weren’t even grateful, and accused him of hacking their computer. He ditched the entire business as a result.” ~ Lunar_Cats
“NTA. They’re asking you to work for free. Do they work for free? I don’t. What if they get real entitled, you do free work, then they sue you for malpractice? Warranted or not.” ~ Vandreeson
“My cousin and his wife are both dentists with their own practice. Sure, they do a discount for family, but never for free. And we’d never expect that.”
“They’re running a business with substantial operating costs, spent 6 years studying—their time has value and it would be incredibly disrespectful to expect them to dish it out for free.”
“In return for the discount, we direct all our friends to them, which helps their business grow but also means our friends get quality work without being ripped off. You are NTA.” ~ didthefabrictear
“NTA. Your BIL is the one creating the problem for your wife—not you. Her parents chiming in demonstrates why your BIL is so entitled.”
“It’s just beyond the pale that your in-laws feel they can make demands on your work and insult you for having clear boundaries. It’s really your wife’s job to put her family in their place. Your offer of helping with financing is a sound one.” ~ Content-Plenty-268
“NTA. ‘Free’ would be charging them your costs, not no charges at all. You still have overhead, materials, staff etc. Not to mention your own time/opportunity cost.”
“I’d be really careful about helping with discounts and especially payment plans. They seem to think you can take the loss, and will likely not pay.” ~ Kingalthor
“If you don’t charge for your service, is it still covered by your professional liability insurance, etc? My understanding is that insurance policies are audited based on gross receipts, and if you had a claim that wasn’t a part of the numbers included in the audit, is that not insurance fraud in your profession?”
“Genuinely asking, I am only basing this on my own business model, which is NOT healthcare related at all. Anyway, if doing it for free means your insurance doesn’t cover it, that seems a pretty easy out. You already can’t trust that he’ll stay civil… NTA.” ~ HumDrumSuccumb
Others felt OP was obligated to offer free orthodontic work for his brother-in-law’s kids, which some Redditors addressed.
“OP has said this is an aesthetic need, not medical. In other words, these kids don’t have perfect, straight, pretty teeth and their father wants him to give them that.”
“Most people in middle to low income families don’t have perfect smiles either. Those kids will live and can pay to get their smile corrected when they’re adults, if it’s still a priority for them.”
“So many people saying OP has to provide free aesthetic care or he’s an a**hole.”
“If he was a plastic surgeon, would you demand free rhinoplasty if the kids didn’t have perfect noses? Or breast implants because the daughter wants D cups because they think it will look better in a bikini?”
“This is the same situation. They don’t NEED braces. They WANT perfect teeth. NTA, OP.” ~ MohawMais
“It really is an American thing for every child to get braces. You have provided dental care to them in the past and you know it is not an urgent need.”
“I think offering to do it at cost would be a nice thing to do, but for free? Nope. NTA. Wanting a pretty smile is not the same thing as urgent medical needs.” ~ Flimsy-Field-8321
Some comments mimicked the in-laws’ “family first” mindset, often with stories of what free things they were getting off family, friends, or employers.
But most disagreed.
Everyone from hairdressers to carpenters to neurosurgeons shared their horror stories of providing freebies to family. Some medical professionals added that they won’t treat family at all, paid or not.
Based on their bad experiences, avoiding it altogether sounds like the safest bet for OP.