It’s so easy to hurt another person’s feelings.
People may not have malicious intent, but it still happens.
And when it does happen the injured party usually just wants an explanation or an apology.
But not everybody is on board to acquiesce.
Redditor MaximumReflection886 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for asking why I was left off a family photo collage?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My I[n]-L[aws] are celebrating their 30th anniversary.”
“My wife and all her siblings decided to get a large framed photo collage for them as a present.”
“The collage, of course, has their wedding pictures and pictures of my wife and her siblings as children.”
“The collage also includes the most recent group photo of their whole family together at our wedding back in April.”
“Additionally, the collage also has (separate) pictures of her three married brothers with their wives and children, and a picture of her recently engaged brother and his fiancée.”
“However, there is no picture of me and my wife, nor do I appear in any of the group pictures, not even in the family picture from our wedding.”
“I brought this to my wife’s attention, and her immediate and annoyed-sounding response was, ‘It’s not about you. It’s about my parents and my family and the grandkids.'”
“I said, ‘I understand, and I’m not saying it’s about me, but I’m wondering, if there are pictures of your married brothers with their wives, shouldn’t there also be one of us?'”
“Her response was, ‘It’s not about my married brothers and their wives, it’s to show off the grandkids!'”
“Okay. What about the pic of [newly engaged brother] and [fiancée]? There’s no grandkids to show off there…'”
“At this point my wife gets upset. ‘You know, you’re really annoying me right now. My siblings and I worked really hard to put this together, and now you have to make it ALLLL about you and the fact that you’re not on it. Grow up. You’ll be in other pictures in the future.'”
“Now truthfully, I don’t really care that much about not being in the collage, but I am feeling very hurt and frustrated by my wife’s response.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Seems like an intentional decision.”
“Multiple people put thought into the photo selections.”
“Surely, your name came up during the selection process.”
“Surely, photos you were in were available for selection, yet vetoed from the collage. Why?”
“Your wife isn’t telling you why.”
“She knows the reason.”
“I’m guessing either you kinda know the reason too, but she doesn’t want to get into it or confirm your suspicions.” ~ RaeKn47
“Yes, she knows why and that’s why she’s getting defensive.”
“Or it was news to her and she’s embarrassed about it and trying to protect her family rather than back you up. NTA!” ~ Virtual_Library_3443
“Agreed. Either way, she is clearly willing to throw OP overboard in favor of her family.”
“She clearly doesn’t care that her family doesn’t include OP in anything when the others in similar circumstances were.”
“No one can be that dense.” ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
“This happened to me.”
“My wife had the family Easter pictures… without me.”
“She left me a year after for my ‘Best Friend.'”
“NTA, but I would suggest a deep conversation.” ~ FredTheLostEdition
“Feels like your wife went from 0 to 60 really, really fast.”
“And she obviously didn’t like you pointing out all the flaws in her defense.”
“This doesn’t look good.”
“There is obviously a reason you were left out.”
“And make no mistake, you were left out on purpose.”
“And your wife knows why.”
“She needs to tell you.”
“The cynic in me believes that you might not be a member of this family in time, and your wife is ensuring that there is no permanent reminder of you in something that will obviously be on display in a prime location. NTA.” ~ SoImaRedditUserNow
“NTA. Maybe she’s planning a divorce and doesn’t want a reminder if you are in the collage.” ~ RandomReddit9791
“Make sure you give her parents an 8×10 picture of just you for Xmas. NTA.” ~ Aware_Welcome_8866
“NTA and I think the way you approached the topic was totally fine.”
“I think your wife is being defensive because she knows she messed up and doesn’t want to own it.” ~ Snapdragon5180
“NTA. I’d be surprised too, especially when the recent ‘whole family’ picture was at OUR wedding and I wasn’t in it.”
“My husband would absolutely be getting asked the same thing.” ~ dresses_212_10028
“NTA. I don’t know what is going on in your wife’s head, but two things stand out…”
“First, she was involved in choosing the pictures, yet either didn’t think to include your photo, or deliberately excluded you.”
“Either you were not on her mind to be included as a family even though her brother’s new fiancée was, or she (and/or her siblings) deliberately wanted you excluded for some reason.”
“Second, her reaction was extreme.”
“Not apologetic in the slightest, but instead antagonistic and accusatory.”
“Whether you weren’t on her mind at all when she put the collage together, or whether you were deliberately excluded, she doesn’t have any sympathy for your feelings.”
“For her, the image of the family she wants to present to her parents doesn’t include you, and you even pointing out your absence has her treating you with disdain.”
“Something is very wrong here.” ~ kurokomainu
“NTA. Hey OP, I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“It really sucks.”
“My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] once gave my mother a carefully curated calendar with photos of the ‘whole family’ across the months – my brothers, their partners, and children.”
“I got one page, and my long-term partner was nowhere to be seen. Just me.”
“I was so upset about it, brought it up, just to be told, why are you making this a big deal?”
“You know how they are.”
“Why are you making it about you?”
“Well, because it is a big deal.”
“It’s hurtful and sucky, ignorant at best and malicious at worst.”
“It’s not how a family should behave.”
“Even more so in your case – your wife was involved!”
“Whatever the reason, whether it was forgetful ignorance or something else, it was a shitty thing for her and them to do.”
“Don’t let them tell you you’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
“This is very much something and you are completely in the right here.”
“In my case, it was just another piece of a terrible family dynamic that hurt me for years.”
“I really hope you have better luck than I did.”
“You’re NTA, but everyone else here truly sucks.” ~ hits-and-misses
“I don’t know man, this seems really suss to me.”
“I don’t want to jump to the knee-jerk ‘divorce is in the air’ conclusion that so often happens on Reddit, but to put it bluntly, I don’t feel like your wife loves you.”
“I’ve been on both sides of being in a relationship where one person just really wasn’t in love but was going through the motions, and also seen it play out with people close to me.”
“I have a pretty keen sense now for when one partner just low-key hates the other person and this feels like that.”
“The fact that she didn’t even include you in a single photo, including the one from YOUR WEDDING, and then got mad at you for bringing this up is really alarming.”
“If I had genuinely done this on accident to my husband, whom I adore, I would be so apologetic and feel so embarrassed and guilty about it.”
“You guys just got married this year!”
“You should still be in your honeymoon phase, and she should be happy to show off a cute picture of you from your wedding!”
“I think you guys need to have a serious heart-to-heart because it sounds like this woman low-key hates you.”
“NTA of course.” ~ Fearless_Lychee_6050
“NTA. Her reaction is super sus.”
“I would sit her down and explore this further, but later when you’re alone.”
“She might’ve been short with you because she realized her mistake in front of everyone or it could be intentional, but you’re gonna have to ask, possibly even push the issue, to get an answer.”
“Any non-answer dismissal of your questions or making you the bad guy for asking is not acceptable.”
“If she still won’t give you a proper response, that might be more telling than anything, so do with that whatever you see appropriate, whether that’s suggesting therapy, temporarily separating, or consulting a lawyer for a divorce.” ~ Le-Deek-Supreme
“NTA-to be honest it would bother me too!!”
“I’m surprised by your wife and her reaction!!!”
“I’m in the same boat… not one picture of me in the home.”
“Every in-law, child, and grandchildren… none of me.”
“There’s a wall of family weddings… not one photo of my wedding to their son!!!”
“It hurts!!!”
“I no longer care shows how ugly people can be!!”
“My children reached an age and found this very upsetting —that hurt the worst that I couldn’t shield them from the ugliness!!!” ~ Withoutadoubt3
“NTA for asking, but I smell missing reasons because it’s pretty obvious that her family doesn’t like you.”
“And you probably already know why, or at least have an inkling, because I really doubt this is the first time your in-laws have done something to exclude you.” ~ coccopuffs606
“NTA… this overreaction and immediate 0-60 aggressive behavior to shut you down is a very non-subtle tactic of people who want to make you think you’re crazy/wrong and shut down the conversation… because usually they know that what they did was wrong.”
“Classic defensiveness.”
“If she really didn’t realize she did this I’m sure she would have understood your side and been nice about it and taken responsibility and apologized. Very odd.”
“Do you think maybe she might be thinking about leaving you?”
“That would make the most sense. Don’t put you in because you’re not going to be around for long.” ~ RowdyRoddyPipeSmoker
“NTA… my stepmum made a photo book for my brother’s 21st, and she proudly showed it to me.”
“One of the pages was my wedding day, and another was my daughter’s birth, and there wasn’t a single photo of me.”
“When I bought it up, I had similar responses such as ‘we can’t fit everyone in.’”
“But I was hurt because of how much effort they must have made to find pictures from my wedding day that didn’t include me.”
“In the end, it proved I didn’t matter to my stepmom, I didn’t count as family.”
“And I think that’s what your in-laws are showing to you.”
“And your wife’s dismissal of your concerns just doubles down.” ~ Always_a_goody
“NTA, maybe your wife forgot about you or didn’t advocate for you being in the collage like the other siblings did with their partners, and now that you have raised the issue she is lashing out and blaming you for it.” ~ lord_buff74
“NTA. She sounds like she hates you, dude.”
“That’s really odd that you are the only one not in the collage.”
“Especially because they used pics from the wedding.”
“I’m curious for an update after they are given the gift.”
“See if they notice, or if your wife says something mean, then they notice, OR if you are close with someone that’s gonna be there, talk to them and if they feel that’s weird get them to look when everyone is looking at it and say hey ‘I don’t see YOUR NAME’ and watch the parents reaction.”
“Maybe they hate you too. 🤷♂️.” ~ Andyoh88
“NTA… this actually just happened to my family but when we told the person who made the collage she immediately ordered a separate thing with the missing family members to be given to my grandma.”
“That’s not a normal response, and I’m so sorry I would be hurt by that too.” ~ lavender-lover
“NTA- just by the way she got so defensive about it shows it was deliberate.”
“I’ve cut out significant others because they weren’t involved in our family as siblings or I just didn’t like them.”
“It’s almost always intentional.”
“If it’s not then I simply rectify the mistake there and then.” ~ Down_Shifting
Reddit is with you, OP.
Nobody wants to be left out of special occasions.
At the very least, she could show you a little understanding.
You may need to have a serious chat with her about why you’re so upset.
She doesn’t seem to truly understand that it’s not about the collage, it’s about how she dismissed you.
Good luck.