There are still far too many people who look down on married couples who make the conscious decision not to have children.
Usually, deciding not to have children is just as noble a decision as choosing to have them.
The truth is, not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and if a couple knows that they cannot provide a sufficiently loving and nurturing home for their child, they should not bring a child into the world.
Something a shocking number of people are simply too stubborn to realize.
Redditor Status-Point4605 and his boyfriend made it known to their family that they did not plan on having any children.
A decision that didn’t seem to faze the original poster (OP)’s family.
With the notable exception of his sister-in-law (SIL), who made it abundantly clear that the OP should suffer consequences of a sort for not having children.
A declaration the OP had no trouble laughing off.
Wondering if he was justified for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For disagreeing with my sister-in-law over my (still living) parents’s estate?”
The OP explained why his decision not to have children put him at odds with his SIL:
“I’m gay and live with my boyfriend and I have a younger brother that lives with his wife in a separate town.”
“All of us are in our 30s.”
“My parents are starting to get up there in the age and are happily retired.”
“They both are very comfortably off and have always been fantastic parents.”
“My boyfriend and I have chosen not to have children and my brother and his wife have decided that they would like to start a family.”
“All four of us are fairly well off independently in terms of careers and incomes.”
“Out of the four of us, I probably do a little bit better because of my career.”
“My brother and sister in law have a house and are planning for children, although their spending is fairly unsustainable.”
“Recently my parents have been talking to me about legacy planning for their estate and asked that I be the executer/trustee of their estate (a few million dollars in liquid and illiquid assets).”
“Since I’m the oldest son, have a background in finance and have a lot of connections in the legal space it just made sense to them.”
‘Part of the planning involves establishing a trust that puts a fair bit authority into the hands of the executor/trustee – even while my parents are still alive.”
“My parents are explicit that they don’t want someone outside the immediate family acting as the trustee.”
“The contention that my sister in law has is that my boyfriend and I have chosen not to have kids.”
“Her position is that it’s her responsibility to provide the only grandkids my parents will have, and therefore it will be my brother and her that will be able to best carry on my parents’ legacy.”
“Recently she has been pressuring my brother to talk to my parents about adjusting their will.”
“The opening position of my sister in law is taking is that I should be removed as executor/trustee and be pretty much be cut out of the will.”
“She has noted that certain assets that have sentimental value could be discussed after my parents’ passing.”
“However the more liquid assets, stock holdings, the house, property, possessions and insurance should be directed towards my brother (and through extension her).”
“My sister-in-law’s has been clear to me that since I won’t have children that I am incapable of continuing my parents legacy and even said that my family’s ‘history would be wasted on a dead end’.”
“My parents have been clear that they want their estate to be equitably allocated.”
“Now clearly this is their legacy and what they want is all that matters.”
“SIL’s contention is that this about ensuring my parent’s legacy is passed down to future generations.”
“She has a point that my family’s legacy isn’t going to continue with my boyfriend and I.”
“On the other hand, just because I’m not having kids doesn’t mean that I’m unworthy of handling my parents affairs.”
“AITA for not deferring to my sister-in-law’s point of view?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situationm by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not giving in to his SIL.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s SIL was putting her nose in business that didn’t concern her, with some also pointing out that as she and the OP’s brother didn’t yet have any children of their own, she was in no position to make this argument:
“NTA.”
“It’s not your SIL’s decision how to divide the estate.”
“It’s your parents’ decision.”
“The fact that she’s making a claim to a greater share of wealth just because she PLANS to have kids is just plain gross and old-fashioned.”
“What if she and your brother divorce or you and your partner change your mind about kids in a few years?”- JSqueezle
“NTA.”
“Let her fight her own battles.”
‘Your parents made their wishes clear.”
“There is no point in arguing against your own self-interest.”- UteLawyer
“You are NTA!”
“You should make your parents aware of her behavior immediately.”
“This is almost always an indicator that she will force your brother to contest the will when the time comes (I hope many years from now).”
“Furthermore, and you’ve probably already seen to this, ensure that your brother and SIL are not allowed to make inquiries into accounts or fake their way into access.”
“If they visit your parents or have keys to their home, please make sure all identifying documents are locked away in a safe or inaccessible place.”
“Some financial institutions aren’t steadfast in verifying identities and disgruntled family members will go out of their way to circumvent the rules and get what they want without waiting for the reading of the will.”
“Best of luck to you!”
“You’re a good son.”- your_lost_chapstick
“NTA.”
“I hope your brother realizes he married a greedy gold digger!”
“I would honestly be reconsidering the relationship.”
“I have two siblings so there are three of us.”
“One has two kids.”
“One has one kid.”
“One has no kids.”
“The estate is divided evenly among us.”
“You don’t get rewarded for having kids or punished for not having kids.”
“Your parents love you both and built this for both of you.”
“Her point of view does not matter.”
“If she keeps pushing for every major infraction you could move 5% of ‘their share’ to a trust that can only be accessed by their kids when they turn 21.”
“That should shut her up.”- Adventurous-Term5062
“NTA.”
“Your parents asked you for a reason.”
“SIL needs to back the hell off.”- lihzee
“NTA.”
“Someone needs to remind her that your parents only have two kids and she isn’t one of them.”
“She needs to butt out of your parents’ financial business.”
“Her choosing to have kids doesn’t make her more deserving of your parents’ money.”- JellyfishSolid2216
“NTA.”
“Your sister-in-law should keep her mouth shut.”
“Me and my husband stay out of each others inheritance business.”
“It is not my place to talk to his family or try and change their mind on anything.”
“And he feels the same way.”
“Your parents are still alive and of sound mind.”
“If anything, since she brought this up right now while they are still in great shape.”
“I would bring this up to your parents so they can clear the air now.”
“This way down the line, your SIL can’t pull anything if your parents make things clear and talk openly about what they want.”
“She can’t go behind your back and spread rumors.”- LighthouseonSaturn
“NTA.”
“‘legacy’.’
“Yeah, that’s not actually a thing.”- StAlvis
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to share their opinions, and also sharing how he intended to handle this fairly delicate situation:
“I’m actually really touched by how many folks are viewing this from my mom and dad’s perspective.”
“My mom and dad have no idea that my sister-in-law and I disagree at this level.”
“I made the choice not to involve them because I know that they would be really sad if they understood the depth of acrimony between my SIL (and by extension brother) and I.”
“I don’t think mom and dad need the aggravation or the drama, but maybe I’m wrong.”
“I do really appreciate the sanity check from all of you.”
“Over the past month this issue has been unrelenting and top of mind for me.”
“I feel somewhat more confident in that my immediate reaction wasn’t improper.”
“As to my SIL, I haven’t responded to her texts or reacted to the comments our mutual friends have shared.”
“I also am too nervous to text or call my brother.”
“Based on the responses here and from my friends, I think that the best approach is to have an uncomfortable conversation with my parents.”
“Thank you for the sanity check.”
“I really needed.”
One can’t quite help but question the motives of the OP’s SIL, who seems to be worrisomely concerned that the OP is left out of his parent’s will.
Particularly considering the fact that the OP’s parents are still alive and well.
An issue that is quite simply none of her business.
She might also want to consider that children are not the only way to leave a legacy.
And based on her behavior, it seems more than likely that the OP seems destined to leave a legacy his parents will be far more proud of than his SIL can ever hope to.