A household tends to work best when everybody helps each other out.
Providing they are able, if every member of the household does one thing to help everyone stay one step ahead, chances are life will be drama-free.
In contrast, when one person in a household expects everyone else to serve and kowtow to them, then chances are no one will be happy.
Even the one seemingly reaping the benefits.
Redditor Afraid_Ad_1538 had her hands more than full in her house.
However, in the eyes of her husband, the original poster (OP) wasn't doing enough, or at least wasn't doing what was expected of her.
When confronted with this, however, the OP paid her husband no mind, as she found this accusation laughable.
Wondering if she was shirking her duties, however, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not packing my husband's lunch?"
The OP explained why she felt no guilt about not packing her husband's lunch:
"AITA for not packing my husband's lunch every day for work?"
"This has been an ongoing argument between my husband and I."
"We repeatedly have arguments about finances."
"For years, he has bought his lunch."
"Bought coffee in the mornings etc."
"During our financial arguments, I frequently bring up the fact that he buys lunch daily."
"That if he was so concerned about money, then he would cut buying lunch every day."
"I am a paid caretaker for our disabled child."
"So essentially get paid to be a SAHM to our disabled son."
"He says that because I am home and not busy, that I can pack his lunch."
"I am far from not busy."
"I clean the house daily."
"Laundry and dishes daily."
"Pack lunch and backpacks and taxi drive our children everywhere, as well as multiple meetings, Dr's appt, therapy appts, etc for our disabled son."
"I don't feel that I should be packing a lunch for this grown a** man."
"He is perfectly capable."
"He's just unwilling and feels that it's my job to do this."
"He works out of the house and commutes over an hour each way."
"To say that I handle everything on the home front and with our kids would be an understatement."
"I do not purchase coffee or lunch or anything of the sort."
When I do, he points out how I'm home and have access to cook my own food at home."
"The only consistent thing I spend money on is getting my hair done every 6 weeks."
"Which I told him I would start doing myself to save money."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to pack her husband a lunch.
Everyone agreed that the OP did more than enough in her household, with some even wondering if she should even stay in this marriage:
"NTA."
"You've got your hands full."
"It might be nice if he packed the lunches for everyone to help take care of his family from time to time."
"Ffs these comments do not pass the vibe check."
"Op is managing all domestic responsibilities and is the full-time caretaker of their disabled child."
"I would bet her husband has more free time and more breathing room in a day than she does."
"He could be more supportive and stop acting like she's his personal servant."- FrontTour1583
"NTA."
"The man is an adult."
"He can put together a sandwich and throw it in a bag."- GratuitousSadism
"NTA, but he sure is."
"Lunch is expensive."
"Making lunch is a life skill."
"You are busy af, and there are many studies showing how much more stressful that SAHM life is than working outside the home."
"I'm about to throw your husband in the trash for you."
"Saying he's an ah is not going far enough for me."- herefortheshirts
"Obvious NTA."
"Your arguments are solid."
"Does he help out with the kids, including your disabled son when he is not working?"
"Does he do other things around the house?"
"He doesn't seem to realize how much work running a household and care for your children entails of he thinks you're not busy."
"Do you often feel underappreciated?"- julesthefourth
"NTA."
"You need to write a budget together, with an equal amount of discretionary spending for both of you."
"He can spend his on lunches if he wants."
"You can spend yours on whatever you want."
"But you should get an equal amount of money to blow each month, on nails, clothes, lunches, lotto tickets, clothes, whatever non-essential thing you want."
"If your budget doesn't have room for both of you to have it, your budget for it needs to be smaller."
"But I worry that your husband sees himself as the 'real' provider, and so he can spend 'his' money how he wants."- sweadle
"NTA."
"An idea for him is to pack his lunch while finishing up dinner."
"My dad has done this for decades."
"He will literally sit at the table and get a container, pack the lunch leftovers, and put it in the fridge. Easy Peasy."- greenreddew
"NTA."
"People saying 'you're already packing lunches, just pack his' y'all I doubt he wants to eat what she packs for the kids. I would assume he needs a larger, more substantial meal than children."
"That's just extra work for her."
"And saying 'she's home all day' or 'I doubt you're actually busy all day' she's literally caring for a disabled child 24/7 and it sounds like other children as well! "
"She is also working a full-time job even if she is working in the house."
"From the time she gets up to the time she goes to bed."
"Girl, you deserve to get your hair done, it's an hour or two of relaxation every six weeks."
"I'm sure husband gets to relax after work while she entertains and cares for the children."- AffectionateSun4119
"NTA."
"You're a caretaker for your son, not your husband."
"The fact that he thinks you aren't busy says a lot."
"Also, the fact that he feels entitled to free and thankless labor from you."- NoType83
"NTA."
"If he were really concerned about money, he would make his lunch."
"Why should you have to baby him?'
"He gets to drive home from work every day and leave his work outside the home."
"You don't get that luxury."- Spicyyy-Stew
"NTA."
"He's a grown adult who can make his own damn lunch."
"You're not his mum."- Totallynaturalvibes
"NTA."
"I don't understand the 'he is my husband and technically I should be making him lunch' thing."
"I've been married 43 years and I've never heard of such a technicality."
"But there are a couple of things to unpack: As I understand it, your husband would prefer to simply purchase lunch and coffee at work, but because finances are tight and you are arguing about finances, you would prefer him to bring lunch and coffee from home."
"Have I that right?"
"If it's your preference for him, and he would prefer to buy lunch, then I understand why he might feel 'you want me to bring lunch from home, the least you can do is pack it for me'."
"And if you are packing lunch for kids, I can see where it might seem 'how hard is it to make an extra sandwich for me and toss it in a bag along with some chips and a piece of fruit?'"
"On the other hand, there's his 'you are home and not busy' comment, which would rot my socks if I were busy stem to stern."
"It seems that you might need to educate him about everything you do and the time it takes."
"Maybe note a minute-by-minute diary and just tell him, 'Sweetie, I'd like to talk to you about what I actually do, because you said "since I'm home and not busy", and I'm actually quite busy'."
"'Let's sit down and take a look'."- Constant_Host_3212
"NTA."
'Your husband is very misogynistic."
"I think your relationship has bigger problems than whether or not you make lunch for him.."- happy_bunny_84
"NTA."
"A grown person should be able to make a pb&j sandwich or toss together a salad."
"It is their lunch, so they can make it."
"My partner takes cheese, meat sticks, and hard-boiled eggs."
"It takes all of 5 minutes to put together, and he will boil enough eggs for three or four days at a time."
"You are getting paid to care for your disabled son and not a fully functioning grown child."- Slight-Balance9827
Based on everything the OP says, it seems she lives in a painfully unequal home.
Where her husband gets to do pretty much anything he wants, and the OP has to make sacrifices left and right.
Instead of complaining about her not making him his lunch, maybe the OP's husband should instead consider thanking her for all he does for their son?
As that simple thank you will likely leave a much bigger impact than he could possibly imagine.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp