Surprising as it may seem, most parents don’t enjoy punishing their children.
Namely because if they have to do so, it means their children did something bad. Be it breaking a minor rule at school or something which could have justifiably gotten them in trouble with the law.
Most of the time, no matter how old they are, children seldom learn a sufficiently valuable lesson from punishment as it seldom forces children to truly reflect upon their past actions.
Redditor ventura4433 was beyond dismayed to learn that their daughter was part of a group that bullied a fellow student.
The original poster (OP) knew that the child’s behavior couldn’t go unnoticed, and punishment was necessary.
In this instance, though, the punishment truly had to fit the crime.
Wondering if they went too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for making my daughter miss once-in-a-lifetime events (homecoming and senior prom) and delete all of her social media as punishment for bullying?”
The OP explained why they felt there was only one recourse appropriate for their daughter’s recent behavior.
“Yesterday I was informed that my daughter Sam was a part of a group of students who bullied another girl to the point that she had to switch schools.”
“There was a racial aspect to the bullying, which came as a complete shock since my wife and I truly did our best to raise our three kids to be kind and honest individuals.”
“I don’t believe that a grounding and a confiscation of electronics is harsh enough for what Sam did, so I told Sam that she won’t be allowed to participate in homecoming or attend senior prom.”
“I also told her that she won’t be getting a car for her 18th birthday either.”
“Finally, I told her that she’ll have to delete all of her social media accounts with either me or her mother watching.”
“Sam begged me to allow her to go to senior prom because it’s a once-in-a-lifetime event, and keep just her Instagram account because it had pictures going back years that weren’t saved anywhere else.”
“I told her that she shouldn’t have been a racist bully.”
“My parents are temporarily staying with us while their house is undergoing renovations.”
“They agree that what Sam did was completely out of line and must be punished, but they think that making my daughter miss homecoming and senior prom and forcing her to delete her social media is far far too harsh.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for forbidding their daughter to go to the prom and making her delete all her social media.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s choice of punishment was the only appropriate one, agreeing that she needed to feel how left out and ostracized the girl she bullied felt, even if some felt that there was no sufficient punishment for her shocking and unforgivable behavior.
“NTA.”
“The fact that the poor kid moved schools, and the fact that race was part of this tormenting?”
“Seems pretty fair to me.”
“The one thing you missed:”
“I’d also make sure the other parents of this group know.”
“You’ll soon find out which parent allows this sort of thing.”- Acrobatic_Medium_722
“NTA.”
‘The person she bullied has also missed lifetime events – having a trauma-free school life for one.”
“That trumps going to prom or homecoming for me.”
“Let her back up the photos before deleting the social media accounts, though.”- RevRos
“NTA.”
“As a bullying victim myself, thank you for teaching her that there are consequences for such horrid behavior.”- –BMO–
“NTA: this seems appropriate to the level of offense here, especially the deletion of social media accounts.”
“That said, there’s a chance to teach the idea of repentance and redemption.”
“Assuming you are in the US or Canada (I don’t think homecoming is a thing elsewhere, so I feel good about that assumption), the school year is just about to start, and prom isn’t until late April/early May.”
“Create a plan of restorative actions she can take to earn back prom.”
“These actions can include volunteer service, befriending someone who is an outcast at her school, cultural sensitivity classes, and (if possible) something that can positively impact the girl she bullied.”
“Also, giving her something to earn back like that lets her have a positive focus for the year.”
“What she did was very wrong and needs to have consequences, but it can be an important learning opportunity too.”
“Good luck.”- BaltimoreBadger23
“NTA.”
“Victim of racist bullying here.”
“That trauma follows you for the rest of your life, and getting proper help is hard as even in large cities, it can be difficult to find a therapist that specializes in racial trauma, especially a none white therapist.”
“Parenting isn’t always fun, but your job is to raise a decent human that can contribute positively to this world.”
“Sounds like you’re doing your job. I wish more parents take note!”- tintedrosestinted
“I didn’t go to prom.”
“I didn’t get a car after graduation either.”
“I turned out just fine.”
‘She needs harsh punishment for bullying.”
“I think that this is fair.”- MySophie777
‘What if you gave the the possibility of earning things back?”
“The point of punishing her is for her to learn from this.”
“To become a better person.”
“Often the best impetus for change is when people see you change and reward you for it.”
“So tell her that homecoming is gone, but if she genuinely learns from this and shows that she is a better person, she might be able to earn senior prom.”
“She’s got to show real change and understanding.”
“She’s got to do something that will really drive home for her how much harm she has done and how wrong her actions have been.”
“The person she is today?”
“That person doesn’t go to prom.”
“But a kinder person who chooses to be a force for good in the world?”
“A person who helps and supports instead of tearing down?”
“That girl could go to prom.”
“She just has to make a plan with you about how she demonstrates that she is that person.”
“The right kind of volunteering, like homeless outreach or big brothers/big sisters, might help break down her walls and start seeing people as people instead of things to manipulate again.”
“Might teach her some empathy.”
“If it’s affordable for you, working with a therapist who specializes in bullying, both to counsel her and to build her road map to redemption, would be an excellent idea.”
“Let her download her Instagram pics before you make her delete the account – there’s a balance to that.”
“She doesn’t have to give up her only copy of important pics, but she loses the online presence.”
“NTA, but I think there are more effective things you can do than creating this big punishment that you can’t back down from.”- KaliTheBlaze
“NTA.”
“It’s extreme, yes, but then racially bullying someone to the point that they’re so traumatized that they have to move schools is extreme.”
“Racial bullying in and of itself needs severe consequences because it’s never ever acceptable, but the fact that this went on to the point the kid had to leave – woah no, this needs some serious consequences.”
“You’re doing the difficult bit of parenting here, and I think you’re doing it really well.”
‘Putting her through these things is going to be rough for you as you’re going to have to deal with her reaction and also her disappointment (which is never nice as a parent even if it is a just consequence as we don’t want to see our kids upset ) but you’re doing what needs to be done to teach her vital life lessons and hopefully helping her to move into adulthood as a kinder, more tolerant and respectful person.”
“Well done – it’s hard, it’s horrible, and it’s shocking to find out your kid did that, but you’re dealing with it well.”- Spirit_Sky7
“Prom isn’t a right. It’s a privilege.”
“She lost that privilege.”
“ACTIONS =Consequences!!”
“NTA.”- believebs
“NTA.”
“I honestly think it fits the crime.”
“I’d just let her backup the photos from her insta, before forcing her to delete it.”
“Btw, you do know that she can just create a new account, so her deleting it does nothing.”-Mean_Suit_9222
Some behaviors should not, and can not, be tolerated.
Just like the girl she and her friends bullied, the OP’s daughter will be missing out on what most teenagers consider rights of passage they all deserve.
However, she will still never feel as humiliated and ostracized as that poor girl felt, all entirely owing to their unforgivable behavior.
No punishment in the world could make her feel that.