Parenting involves a carful hand between helping your children and letting them do things themselves. But while this seems like difficult advice when dealing with young kids, it becomes so much harder when your children are adults.
Redditor Critical_Value1511 just wants his son to consider the financial consequences of his actions. But the original poster (OP) is being called the bad guy for what he said.
Should OP just give in to what his son is asking for, or was he right to respond how he did?
To find out, OP decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit the titular question.
"AITA for not giving my son part of his trust fund early because he refuses to sign a prenup with his fiancee?"
And OP's situation has people split on the response.
"Some background: I have 4 kids. My eldest John (27M[ale]), was with my first wife who died when he was 5. I eventually remarried and got two step-daughters, Lisa (25F[emale]) and Ann (18F). Then my second wife and I had Mike (13M)."
"My wife and I made sure to give them comfortable lives. When John and Lisa graduated from university, we gifted them condo units. We will do the same when Ann and Mike graduate."
"Also, all of them have trust funds that will be released when they turn 30."
"I'm quite proud of my kids. John and Lisa graduated from top universities. John has a high-paying job as an engineer while Lisa pursued a master's degree in business while she worked in marketing."
"Eventually, she started her own marketing consulting firm while being a part-owner of a spa."
"John recently got engaged to his girlfriend of 2 years and they want to get married by the end of this year. She seems nice."
"However, she doesn't earn as much as him. My son spends a lot of money on her, on dates and expensive gifts. I understand that it's his money and he can spend it however he wants."
"She also moved in with him in the condo that I gave him, and as far as I know, she doesn't pay her share of utilities and association fees. And now John is asking to get part of his trust fund so he could use it for the wedding since his fiancee doesn't have much money to contribute for their wedding."
"Now here's where I might be the a**hole. I told him I'd release part of his trust fund early if he draws up a prenup with her."
"He got angry and told me I was being unfair because I released half of Lisa's trust fund last year to help put up her business. He told me that I was playing favorites."
"I told him that Lisa did something worthwhile with her trust fund, and while a wedding is worthwhile, I told him it doesn't seem safe to use his fund for a wedding to a girl 'who doesn't bring much to the table'."
"I told him that I just wanted him to have some security by drawing up a prenup. He got angrier and said I was implying that his fiancee is a gold-digger."
"My wife and the rest of the family refuse to take sides. AITA?"
From OP's perspective, John is not protecting himself by refusing a prenup, and using part of his inheritance to pay for a wedding just puts him out money.
On the other hand, John sees that his sister got access to her funds early, setting a precedent. On top of that, his fiancée has been accused of being a gold digger.
Who is right and who is wrong here?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to release some funds from John's trust without a prenuptial agreement by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board was pretty well split on the reasonings, though there was more agreement that OP was wrong.
Whether they think John will have access to the funds anyway, and this just hurts OP's relationship with him, or that OP was right to ask John to get a prenuptial agreement but didn't have to make the comment about his fiancée, OP was acting like a jerk.
And people easily agreed on that basic point, even if they were divided on why.
"I don't think you're the a**hole for the condition of the prenup in order to have early access to his trust fund, but I think YTA for saying his fianceé 'doesn't bring much to the table.'"
"Why do you feel that way about her? Solely because she makes less money than your son?" - lihzee
"Your son John is 27. That means he's going to get the full trust fund amount in 3 years."
"Unless there's a really compelling reason to believe that John's fiancee is not trustworthy, is this really a wise move? You can really harm your relationship with your son by saying what you've said."
"Unless it is clear that there is a substantial risk to justify this, I don't think it's a good idea. It's just 3 years difference."
"Without knowing more about John's fiancee, it's impossible to say how reasonable you are being, but I'm going to guess that if you had good info that would indicate she is a likely gold digger, you would have included it."
"Judgment: YTA." - Cartwright_James
"YTA. Not for having reservations necessarily. Although this does feel like classism because her earning potential doesn't seem to meet your requirements."
"-it doesn't seem safe to use his fund for a wedding to a girl 'who doesn't bring much to the table'.-"
"This right here is the main reason you're an AH"
"Some people here will say you are within your legal right to withhold the money, but this is about morality. You've given no info about her character, you've only said she doesn't earn as much."
"You want her to seem like a gold digger, but you're the one who is all about the money." - Accurate-Fisherman68
"You're implying his fiancée is a gold digger. That being said, as a family law attorney, I'm certainly aware of how much protection a prenup could grant your son."
"I think it's a wise idea, and it sounds like you approached it the wrong way. At the end of the day, if he needs the money that badly he can always wait until he's 30."
"You're not wrong, but YTA for being insensitive and pretentious in your explanation of why." - ErisianImpulse
"Most new businesses fail. What conditions did you put on Lisa's money to make sure she wasn't going to lose it all?"
"The prenup wouldn't even affect the money you'd be releasing, since it's being used to pay for the wedding. So what you're wanting to do is control John's financial decisions regarding his own money."
"And holy moly, you're referring to your future DIL as a girl 'who doesn't bring much to the table' just because she has less money???"
"That is judgmental as f*** and completely misses the point of what a relationship is supposed to be."
"YTA." - My_genx_life
There's something to be said that this situation isn't going to apply to most of us. Between being able to gift his children condos, and providing them with trust funds, most people aren't going to be in this financial bracket.
Which honestly makes it a little difficult to provide objective criticism.
"Am I too poor for this one lol" - HeckinHecksonHeck
"Right? Imagine being gifted an apartment, or even having a trust fund lol" - abbles1er
"I have a trust fund for my kids setup. Its in a jar. It has coins in it. Its on a shelf..." - Various_Counter_9569
"I was thinking of what to say and this just brings it home to me. I can't really comment cause it's an issue outside of my realm."
"Although I have seen many divorces via friends and family. A lot of them get messy. So I generally tell people get a prenup since divorce rates are at what 60% or such."
"If you can't decided on a prenup while in love then you'll probably have other issue with money or such." - darkicedragon7
"Living in south FL where the housing situation is horrible… the thought that other people could be gifted a condo makes me feel a lil sick lol.
"Good for them but man that would change my life so drastically. The situation here is just awful." - LyricalLinds
"**Minimum wage has left the chat**" - TheShawnWray
"God what a mood" - syntheticat7
"I'm too poor to worry about silly squabbles that rich people have." - leisuremann
Overall, the consensus was that OP was the bad guy, bare minimum for how he talked about John's fiancée. That said, he should consider if this is the hill he wants to kill his relationship with his son on.
John will have access to the trust fund soon enough, and has a good job making good money. If he and his fiancée can't figure things out if the worst were to happen, at least OP warned him beforehand. He should give John the money for the wedding.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.