Parenting involves a carful hand between helping your children and letting them do things themselves. But while this seems like difficult advice when dealing with young kids, it becomes so much harder when your children are adults.
Redditor Critical_Value1511 just wants his son to consider the financial consequences of his actions. But the original poster (OP) is being called the bad guy for what he said.
Should OP just give in to what his son is asking for, or was he right to respond how he did?
To find out, OP decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit the titular question.
“AITA for not giving my son part of his trust fund early because he refuses to sign a prenup with his fiancee?”
And OP’s situation has people split on the response.
“Some background: I have 4 kids. My eldest John (27M[ale]), was with my first wife who died when he was 5. I eventually remarried and got two step-daughters, Lisa (25F[emale]) and Ann (18F). Then my second wife and I had Mike (13M).”
“My wife and I made sure to give them comfortable lives. When John and Lisa graduated from university, we gifted them condo units. We will do the same when Ann and Mike graduate.”
“Also, all of them have trust funds that will be released when they turn 30.”
“I’m quite proud of my kids. John and Lisa graduated from top universities. John has a high-paying job as an engineer while Lisa pursued a master’s degree in business while she worked in marketing.”
“Eventually, she started her own marketing consulting firm while being a part-owner of a spa.”
“John recently got engaged to his girlfriend of 2 years and they want to get married by the end of this year. She seems nice.”
“However, she doesn’t earn as much as him. My son spends a lot of money on her, on dates and expensive gifts. I understand that it’s his money and he can spend it however he wants.”
“She also moved in with him in the condo that I gave him, and as far as I know, she doesn’t pay her share of utilities and association fees. And now John is asking to get part of his trust fund so he could use it for the wedding since his fiancee doesn’t have much money to contribute for their wedding.”
“Now here’s where I might be the a**hole. I told him I’d release part of his trust fund early if he draws up a prenup with her.”
“He got angry and told me I was being unfair because I released half of Lisa’s trust fund last year to help put up her business. He told me that I was playing favorites.”
“I told him that Lisa did something worthwhile with her trust fund, and while a wedding is worthwhile, I told him it doesn’t seem safe to use his fund for a wedding to a girl ‘who doesn’t bring much to the table’.”
“I told him that I just wanted him to have some security by drawing up a prenup. He got angrier and said I was implying that his fiancee is a gold-digger.”
“My wife and the rest of the family refuse to take sides. AITA?”
From OP’s perspective, John is not protecting himself by refusing a prenup, and using part of his inheritance to pay for a wedding just puts him out money.
On the other hand, John sees that his sister got access to her funds early, setting a precedent. On top of that, his fiancée has been accused of being a gold digger.
Who is right and who is wrong here?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to release some funds from John’s trust without a prenuptial agreement by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board was pretty well split on the reasonings, though there was more agreement that OP was wrong.
Whether they think John will have access to the funds anyway, and this just hurts OP’s relationship with him, or that OP was right to ask John to get a prenuptial agreement but didn’t have to make the comment about his fiancée, OP was acting like a jerk.
And people easily agreed on that basic point, even if they were divided on why.
“I don’t think you’re the a**hole for the condition of the prenup in order to have early access to his trust fund, but I think YTA for saying his fianceé ‘doesn’t bring much to the table.’”
“Why do you feel that way about her? Solely because she makes less money than your son?” – lihzee
“Your son John is 27. That means he’s going to get the full trust fund amount in 3 years.”
“Unless there’s a really compelling reason to believe that John’s fiancee is not trustworthy, is this really a wise move? You can really harm your relationship with your son by saying what you’ve said.”
“Unless it is clear that there is a substantial risk to justify this, I don’t think it’s a good idea. It’s just 3 years difference.”
“Without knowing more about John’s fiancee, it’s impossible to say how reasonable you are being, but I’m going to guess that if you had good info that would indicate she is a likely gold digger, you would have included it.”
“Judgment: YTA.” – Cartwright_James
“YTA. Not for having reservations necessarily. Although this does feel like classism because her earning potential doesn’t seem to meet your requirements.”
“-it doesn’t seem safe to use his fund for a wedding to a girl ‘who doesn’t bring much to the table’.-”
“This right here is the main reason you’re an AH”
“Some people here will say you are within your legal right to withhold the money, but this is about morality. You’ve given no info about her character, you’ve only said she doesn’t earn as much.”
“You want her to seem like a gold digger, but you’re the one who is all about the money.” – Accurate-Fisherman68
“You’re implying his fiancée is a gold digger. That being said, as a family law attorney, I’m certainly aware of how much protection a prenup could grant your son.”
“I think it’s a wise idea, and it sounds like you approached it the wrong way. At the end of the day, if he needs the money that badly he can always wait until he’s 30.”
“You’re not wrong, but YTA for being insensitive and pretentious in your explanation of why.” – ErisianImpulse
“Most new businesses fail. What conditions did you put on Lisa’s money to make sure she wasn’t going to lose it all?”
“The prenup wouldn’t even affect the money you’d be releasing, since it’s being used to pay for the wedding. So what you’re wanting to do is control John’s financial decisions regarding his own money.”
“And holy moly, you’re referring to your future DIL as a girl ‘who doesn’t bring much to the table’ just because she has less money???”
“That is judgmental as f*** and completely misses the point of what a relationship is supposed to be.”
“YTA.” – My_genx_life
There’s something to be said that this situation isn’t going to apply to most of us. Between being able to gift his children condos, and providing them with trust funds, most people aren’t going to be in this financial bracket.
Which honestly makes it a little difficult to provide objective criticism.
“Am I too poor for this one lol” – HeckinHecksonHeck
“Right? Imagine being gifted an apartment, or even having a trust fund lol” – abbles1er
“I have a trust fund for my kids setup. Its in a jar. It has coins in it. Its on a shelf…” – Various_Counter_9569
“I was thinking of what to say and this just brings it home to me. I can’t really comment cause it’s an issue outside of my realm.”
“Although I have seen many divorces via friends and family. A lot of them get messy. So I generally tell people get a prenup since divorce rates are at what 60% or such.”
“If you can’t decided on a prenup while in love then you’ll probably have other issue with money or such.” – darkicedragon7
“Living in south FL where the housing situation is horrible… the thought that other people could be gifted a condo makes me feel a lil sick lol.
“Good for them but man that would change my life so drastically. The situation here is just awful.” – LyricalLinds
“**Minimum wage has left the chat**” – TheShawnWray
“God what a mood” – syntheticat7
“I’m too poor to worry about silly squabbles that rich people have.” – leisuremann
Overall, the consensus was that OP was the bad guy, bare minimum for how he talked about John’s fiancée. That said, he should consider if this is the hill he wants to kill his relationship with his son on.
John will have access to the trust fund soon enough, and has a good job making good money. If he and his fiancée can’t figure things out if the worst were to happen, at least OP warned him beforehand. He should give John the money for the wedding.