Making friends can be challenging.
Especially as a kid, and particularly when you might see the world a little differently than those around you.
So, you find the one friend
The new friend is shy and reserved and doesn't make other friends easily either.
Over time, the relationship becomes less enjoyable and more hurtful, but that other person needs you right?
What happens when you see this happening to someone you love? How do you step in?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Strange_Atmosphere14 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked,
"AITA for making my son spend time with other friends?"
OP began with a clarification.
"I'm not banning my son from hanging out with this friend, we'll call him Hank, altogether, just limiting it."
"Hank might have some sort of disability."
"I don't know the correct terminology."
She then explained her reasoning.
"But, Hank is very clingy and needy."
"He's always saying things like 'You're my best friend, am I your best friend?' And saying what he would sacrifice for my son and asking weird hypotheticals."
"It's exhausting just listening to these interactions, much less experiencing them."
"I noticed my son wasn't spending time with his other friends, because he always needed to be with Hank, who has no other friends."
"And Hank doesn't want to hang out with my son's other friends."
"So, I told my son he needs to learn to prioritize himself and take time for his other friends and his hobbies and not constantly babysit Hank's insecurities."
"My son said he would feel guilty, and he doesn't want Hank to feel rejected."
"I said to tell Hank that hangouts are limited to twice a week, and not on both weekend days, per his mother, because that's the new rule."
OP also explained the results this has had on her son.
"Although my son frequently says he feels guilty and asks for an exception because 'Hank says he feels really down right now' I've noticed he also seems happier and more energetic."
"He looks more well-rested and isn't getting his schoolwork done at the last second anymore."
"My husband thinks I'm being too controlling, and our son is too old to tell him who to hang out with."
"The other boy's mother also reached out to me and said she wants to talk, although I haven't responded yet."
"I assume she disapproves."
"Even my son, who admitted he is less stressed now, said he feels guilty and I am being 'mean."'
"But am I?"
"It's hard to argue with a majority, but also, it's hard to argue with results?"
OP was left to wonder,
"Am I being a b*tch to this poor kid?"
"Sorry, I forgot to include my son's age."
"He is fourteen."
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out that Hank and OP's son may have deeper issues.
"NTA.
"Your son is being treated like an emotional support animal, and is being isolated."
"It might not be intentional, but it’s still happening."
"Your son feeling guilty about not being able to be with Hank all the time, doesn’t mean it’s healthy for him to be with Hank all the time."
"Frankly, it sounds akin to an abusive relationship. (Feel too guilty to leave, isolation, being someone’s only ‘support system’, etc)"
"Hank needs to talk to a therapist, or an adult in his life, or something."
"But all of Hank’s problems are not your sons problems."
"And if Hank refuses to hang out with other kids, it’s not on your son to placate his anxiety every time."
"I see people saying 'Y T A, Hank is insecure :(.' But that doesn’t mean your child has to be his crutch." ~ SnakeSnoobies
"Please consider getting someone for your son to talk to and get help navigating this."
"I know this sub jumps to therapy all the time but I think a counselor could help your son with the tools to navigate this situation."
"This same dynamic can repeat throughout life" ~ blueheronflight
"Really want to echo this."
"Hank may have some type of disability but that doesn't mean Hank can't learn to have other people around."
"It's also not your kids responsibility to teach him that."
"But honestly the red flags are screaming at me."
"This sounds like an abusive relationship."
"And let me tell you, it can and does start with kids that young. I was in one with my 'best friend' who I met at 13-14 and only cut off at 30"
"What you are doing is really good for your son and definitely NTA."
"It's not controlling."
"But I think it's also worth talking to your son about those boundaries and learning to spot these kind of things so he can arm himself from the abusive friendships in the future." ~ CapnRaye
There were also personal stories.
"Yep -"
"I had a ‘friend’ at school who didn’t want me to have any other friends. It’s a form of bullying and it shouldn’t be entertained for a moment."
"Last I heard of my former ‘friend’, she was emotionally abusing her poor husband the same way." ~MichaSound
"I remember as young as fourth and fifth grade having friends who were abusive and manipulative."
"I wish my mom had done more to explain why the friend behaviors weren't normal or cool, instead of just saying 'I don't like her being friends with you."'
"I absolutely would have understood a conversation about how others treat you is as important as how you treat others, and what is acceptable and what isn't."
"It really shaped and affected my trust in people, and I saw the same patterns in future friend groups until I was in my 20s and started figuring it out myself."
"It was a lot to undo by myself, and I wish my mom was like OP and told me that I should not accept that as being the norm in my relationships."
"And that I have to take care of myself too instead of having an impossibly long list of people who come before me." ~ TheBeesKneazles
"This."
"My daughter was in a situation like this."
"Her friend used her as a crutch, having no other friends of her own, but she started feeling entitled to my daughter's attention and has since done some very manipulative things no one thought a 10-year-old could have been capable of."
"All because my daughter wanted to play with other kids."
"It hurt my daughter because she had always been the other girl's only friend up to that point, sticking up for her and everything."
"Don't ever let your child play with another child exclusively when your child obviously wants to socialise with others."
"It sends the message to the other child that they are somehow entitled to your kid's exclusive attention and that's very unhealthy." ~ cottondragons
Others saw this as a teachable moment.
“'YTA, Hank is insecure :(.' But that doesn’t mean your child has to be his crutch."'
"Valuable lesson for all. When it comes to friendships, romantic relationships, or even professional ones."
"You can't infinitely and actively sacrifice for someone."
"You deserve support and happiness too."
"You can't help someone that is unwilling to help themselves and 100% of that responsibility on you to make their life tolerable." ~ letstrythisagain30
"This is a great opportunity to teach your kid about codependency and emotional vampires."
"Hank may not be doing it on purpose, but the kid clearly needs professional help—OP’s kid is not the solution to his problems."
"It’s too bad that the son has been made to believe that he is." ~ effluviastical
Some felt that Hank's mom should be more involved.
"Jumping on top comment."
"It is healthy and encouraged for kids to have other emotional/physical outlets then the one friend they go to every time they 'just need to talk' or 'I just want to hang out and get away from my family for a bit"'.
"Hank's mom is setting him up for failure by not encouraging him to A. Not make other friends to hang out with;
"And B. If it truly is THAT difficult for Hank to make friends/socialize, she needs to get him therapy instead of relying on your son."
"Your son deserves a childhood that doesn't revolve around being the emotional crutch of Hank."
"And Hank deserves the chance at a childhood where he has at least a few friends who don't grow to resent him because he is becoming toxic and relying on them to be his emotional support in situations."
"When he should be talking to someone with professional training and the ability to help him through it that isn't also his friend." ~ alphaowlboy
"Hank's mom could even kill 2 birds with one stone and get Hank in group therapy."
"That way, Hank has a safe, controlled environment in which to attempt to make friends (or at least learn the skills to make friends)." ~ verdantwitch
"OP, you're doing great with these boundaries."
"The next step is help your son set his own boundaries, an incredibly helpful life skill, especially when he's as caring as you describe him to be."
"I hope you can help him understand what healthy relationships and friendships look like, for example that guilt is given to him by another party for selfish reasons and that the guilt is not his fault or other mechanisms behind this kind of (unintended) emotional manipulation" ~ 3vinator
There are a lot of factors at play here.
Boundaries are so important in situations like this because in trying our best to help someone else we could end up hurting ourselves.
Remember to be kind, but remember to be safe.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp