Not everyone has the same reaction upon learning of a friend or family member's engagement.
The idea that someone has found a soul mate they want to spend the rest of their life with would seem to be a happy occasion.
However, others might disagree with the happy couple in that they are meant for one another.
Some might even feel that certain people are wrong, if not toxic, to one another.
Redditor Icy_Panda1807 found themselves uninvited from their son's wedding, owing to to claims made by the original poster (OP)'s future daughter-in-law (DIL).
When the OP's son gained more clarity on the situation, the OP found themselves re-invited to the wedding.
However, their tense relationship with their future daughter-in-law left them severely questioning whether or not they even wanted to attend the wedding.
Wondering if they would be in the wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA if I didn't go to my sons wedding that I was reinvited too?"
The OP explained why they didn't feel compelled to attend their son's wedding:
'This is about my son Ryan."
"When Ryan was a senior in college he informed me one of his one night stands told him she was pregnant."
"I informed him that he should get a DNA test to be sure that he is the father."
"So he did that and when he the result came back he started to date her since he was the father."
"The women, Shelly, has never liked me."
"The first time I met her she made a comment about how I must think so little of her to convince Ryan to get a DNA test."
"The relationship started on a horrible note."
"Shelly integrated into the family and our relationship didn't warm up."
"Overall I just avoided her for the most part."
"I was civil at events but we were not buddies."
"They got in engaged about a two years ago."
"Around last Halloween Shelly was telling the family I was saying horrible things about her."
"I wasn't."
"It was my word against her and my son gave me an ultimatum."
"That I apologize or I won't be invited to the wedding."
"I refused to apologize for something I didn't do, so I was uninvited to their wedding."
"At Christmas she told the family that if I was invited then they will not go."
"Big drama and the family split the festivities into two days."
"My sister and husband have been on my side for all of this."
"The wedding is in two weeks."
"I received a call from Ryan last night. It boiled down to that Shelly admitted to lying to him."
"That she saw how sad he was that I wouldn't be at the wedding and told him the truth."
"He reinvited me to the wedding and I told him I am unsure and will think about it."
"I don't want to go to the wedding for a few reason."
"I don't support the wedding, I don't wish to be around my future DIL, I am very mad that she did this in the first place, my reputation in the family has been affected by her lies and finally she hasn't apologized."
"The truth is getting around the rest of the family and opinions are split."
"Some think I would be a jerk for not going and others think I am justified in not going."
"Also I am unsure if I want a relationship with Ryan if he is with Shelly."
"All the family know she lied, my son cleared that up with everyone so my reputation is clear in that."
"WIBTA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole for choosing not to attend their son's wedding.
Everyone agreed that if the OP didn't support or condone their son's marriage, then they had every right to skip it.
Many pointed out that Ryan did not offer an apology but merely acknowledged Shelley lied.
"'Son I want you to think about exactly who you're marrying'."
"'She lied about your mother, demanded an apology, affected your mental health, and now hasn't even had the decency to call the family or me to tell the truth and apologize'."
"'She did all that because I wanted you to know those children were yours when you had no relationship with her to cement trust'."
"'If you want me there, I want an apology at minimum'."
"Honestly, the divorce is around the corner. Sad but true, this is going to fester like a rotten boil in his mind unless he really is that callous of a person."
"NTA."- BriefHorror
"NTA."
"I wonder if you should / could have another discussion with Ryan."
"IDK how much really came out during that first call when he wanted to re-invite you."
"While it's good that she came clean, it's 2 weeks before their wedding and they have some things to sort out of if she'd go to such extremes to separate him from his family, and it's sad sign for your relationship with him that he'd be willing to go along with it without seeing for himself what she claimed you were doing."
"It seems like there is more to hash out here to repair and heal between the two of you, and you should get to explain to him that while you are grateful to be reconnecting with him and to have had the truth come out, you still are not comfortable being around her."
"I also think it would be fair to tell him, apologetically, that you wish you could support the marriage but you just can't at this point in time, and that if he does proceed you wish him well."
"Obviously, they should be postponing to address the issues in their relationship."
"I can't imagine how he could ever trust her again."
"What a sad way to get started as a couple."- owls_and_cardinals
"Shelly and OP have not gotten along for a while."
"Shelly lied, and there was an estrangement of OP from her son that split the family."
"A wedding is NOT a place for a reconciliation."
"If Ryan wants to reconcile with his mom, he and Shelly need to start talking to OP on neutral ground, and take it very slowly."
"OP was hurt."
"She was defamed by Shelly and deserves an apology, but Shelly should also apologize to the family for spreading these lies."
"OP, tell your son, that the wedding in not the place for a reconciliation."
"And if he wants one, after learning about Shelly's behavior, other things have to happen."
"NTA."
"P S: You were right in asking for the paternity test."
"I would counsel any male who had a one night stand with a women and then found out of a pregnancy, to do the same."- Aggravating-Pain9249
"NTA."
"You didn't do anything wrong!?"
"Shelly honestly needs to apologise to you and also needs to come clean to the rest of the family about the lying."
"She had no right tarnishing your reputation just because you had the mature idea for your son to get a DNA test on a child that a ONE-NIGHT STAND claimed to be his."
"You didn't think less of her; it's just the normal and mature thing to do when it comes to a one-night stand with someone you don't know well."
"This boils my blood."
"I honestly hope things can work out because it would be a shame to miss your son's wedding, but at the end of the day, you don't have to go to anything you don't feel comfortable and fully welcomed at."
"Your son did seem to want you there though."
"Hope it all goes well and you get the apology you deserve."- sosalover03
"Shelly spreading lies about you, and not even apologizing is a perfectly good reason not to go."
"It would also be a perfectly good reason not to marry her."
"How is your son ok with this?"
"NTA."- thumpmyponcho
The OP eventually returned to reveal they had come to a decision as to whether or not they would attend Ryan's wedding:
"I have decided not to go."
"I don't believe it will be good for me, and I will explain to Ryan why I am choosing this."
"I also don't think a wedding is the time to reconcile."
"I also will explain that receiving no apology from either of them factors into my decision."
"Even if I got one now, I still will not go since I know it is forced."
"He is an adult; he will need to take the first steps to fix this, not me."
"For anyone that was asking, my husband already didn't plan to go."
"His siblings will make their own choices, and his aunt isn't going."
"I don't know about the rest of the family."
Most parents dream of the day they finally get to attend their child's wedding, and very few people can imagine getting married without their children present.
However, even if Shelley and the OP didn't get off to the best start, Shelley also seems completely disinterested in sustaining any kind of relationship with the OP.
Likewise, should such a situation arise, Ryan seems most likely to always take Shelley's side.
If Ryan wants the OP at their wedding, he will have to assess his relationships very carefully while there's still time.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp