No matter how old they get, most parents still always want to be there for their children, lending a helping hand whenever possible.
However, there comes a point where parents need to teach their children to be self-sufficient, and draw the line as to how much help they can provide them.
Even if their children might feel like they are being thrown headfirst in the deep end without a floatation device.
The daughter of Redditor Then_Cupcake_4847 suffers from anxiety, and still doesn’t feel comfortable doing some everyday things.
As a result, they one day asked the original poster (OP) if they could do something for her, so she could avoid feeling uncomfortable.
Feeling that this was a good time to teach their daughter a life-lesson, the OP refused.
Unfortunately, their decision did not sit well with their wife or daughter.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to call for pizza and telling my daughter if she wants pizza she can call the place?”
The OP explained why their refusal to order a pizza left them in hot water with their wife and daughter:
“My daughter is 15 and stays home by herself sometimes.”
“We have a money fund for these days so she can order some food if she doesn’t want to make herself dinner.”
“Really simple.”
“My daughter has anxiety and doesn’t need meds according to her doctors.”
“Really we work on confidence boasting.”
“Yesterday my wife and I were not home.”
“My daughter wanted to order some pizza.”
“The place she wanted pizza from only does phone calls for orders.”
“She texted me and asked me to call the place and make an order.”
“I told her no and she can call them herself.”
“That money is on the table or she can make herself a sandwich for dinner.”
“I came home and my wife/daughter were pissed I didn’t make the call for her.”
“My daughter anxiety made it difficult for her to call.”
“My wife is upset I don’t help.”
“I think both of them are being over the top.”
“I explained that there was food at home, she could have ordered from somewhere else or just ate at home.”
“They both think I am jerks and I told her she needs to be able to make a phone call or she is going to run into many road blocks.”
“I also pointed out that not everyone has online ordering.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to order pizza for their daughter.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP was right in feeling their daughter needed to learn a lesson and start being self-sufficient, and was not the a**hole for refusing to order her pizza, even if not everyone felt they handled it as well as they could have.
“NTA.”
“I know of someone who went to college many states away.”
“She had a lot of anxiety and relied on her parents for everything.”
“When she got to college, she didn’t know how her dining dollars worked.”
“She was too scared to go down to the cafeteria and ask someone.”
“So she called her mom.”
“Her mom didn’t know so she just started ordering her daughter groceries to be delivered to her.”
“Spending more money and enforcing her daughter’s need for a social crutch.”
“Your job as a parent is to prepare your child for the world.”
“To make them independent and a functioning member of society.”
“Your wife is not doing your daughter any favors by treating her like a delicate flower.”
“Also, just a suggestion.”
“If your daughter wants something when you are gone, make her CALL you and not text you.”
“It might help her get over her phone anxiety if she starts by calling people she knows.”-LittleBillyBumbler
“When I was a little kid – like 5 or 6, I really wanted a cookie at the mall.”
“My mom said I could but only if I went up and ordered it myself.”
“I was terrified.”
“I cried.”
“I didn’t want to do it.”
“Eventually, my mom convinced me it would be okay.”
“I was shaking when I got to the counter.”
“I got the cookie.”
“It is SO important to teach young people that it is okay to be uncomfortable but try anyways.”
“You pushed her out of her comfort zone in a safe way.”
“I think you are NTA (but your wife kind of is for not having your back on this.)”
“Your daughter is going to NEED to be able to talk to strangers in just a few short years.”
“You should probably set some reasonable goals as a family that will help her overcome this anxiety.”- DietCokeCanz
“NTA.”
“Here’s the part I don’t quite get.”
“You gave her options:”
“Make the call herself.”
“Make her own food with ingredients and kitchen facilities freely provided.”
“Use the same money to do an on-line order.”
“This seems reasonable.”
“She’s got a selection, she can choose her level of comfort and make her decision.”
“She might not get what she wants if she doesn’t call the preferred restaurant, but she’s not being left hungry, or anything.”
“I get that kids with anxiety might have a rough time of it, but I think the idea here is this is a very low stakes interaction.”
“If she’d prefer to give a live phone call a pass, she can do any of several alternate solutions to get food.”
“I was very phone and in-person avoidant when I was a kid.”
“It took going to college and working at an IT phone desk to really get comfortable with in-person & phone interactions.”
“If it had been me when I was young and phone-avoidant, I would have just made my own food.”
“It’s not that hard, and a very minor consequence for choosing the easy path, and I’d never escalate something into an argument just because my anxiety kept me from getting a specific meal.”
“Because I was conflict-avoidant!”
“But your daughter is willing to confront you and call you a ‘jerk’ over this, EVEN THOUGH she had several other valid choices?”
“I guess her anxiety doesn’t extend to calling her father names?”
“That’s some very, umm, ‘selective’ anxiety right there.”
“‘My wife is upset’.”
“and now we see why daughter feels validated in escalating into a conflict with Dad.”
“Sheesh.”- RickRussellTX
“NTA.”
“No therapist worth their pay will tell someone with social anxieties to push any required interactions off to their partner or parent.”
“This was a teachable moment, and a chance to face her fears.”
“It will only get worse if she continues to avoid it.”- KronkLaSworda
“NTA.”
“I specifically have anxiety surrounding these exact social situations.”
“Have I asked and relied on my husband quite a bit?”
“I have.”
“I know her pain.”
“But she is 15.”
“How many years before she wants her own place?”
“How will she feed herself?”
“These skills begin to develop now.”
“It’s HARD to get over your fears.”
“But the answer is not to avoid them, especially when the worst outcome is that (admittedly horrible) feeling of confusing embarrassment.”
“Let her know that like physical exercise, this WILL get easier!”
“She WILL become confidant and eventually be very proud of herself if she overcomes this!”
“Tell her that feeling is the BEST feeling.”
“Good luck op!”- FizbansHat
“I have anxiety (diagnosed, in therapy).”
“NTA BY FAR.”
“As sh*t as it is, exposing and learning by doing is an important step in getting better (obviously together with therapy but it sounds like this is already done).”
“I still ask my mom for help a lot even now that I’m an adult, but I can’t rely on her.”
“And honestly… ordering food is such a ‘nice’ way to learn because it’s not as bad as something actually important such as departments.”- Joubachi
“NTA.”
“doing little things like this when you don’t want to is exactly how you overcome your anxiety.”
“She was not going to starve, and she would have been rewarded with pizza if she had persevered.”- sdjmar
“The more you do something you are uncomfortable with, the more comfortable it becomes.”
“She is 16 and needs to be able to advocate for herself.”
“Calling in a pizza order is not a bad thing because they will be polite on the other end.”
“She really needs coping mechanisms in place to help her through life.”
“Most therapists want yo talk about the anxiety, but only some offer coping mechanisms that could help. .maybe ask her counselor about that.”
“Your wife is enabling her to do nothing, which does not help her find her strength.”
“I understand anxiety is real.”
“We all get it, some way worse than others.”
“But it is something you can work to overcome on some level, rather than just accepting it.”
“You do need to be able to accomplish basic tasks like ordering food.”
“If you can’t, then eat what food you have.”
“She had that, and the option of ordering elsewhere.”
“NTA.”- fromhelley
The OP is correct, in that their daughter needs to learn she can’t rely on her parents for everything, and has to start feeling comfortable doing fairly menial things, like making phone calls.
That being said, the fact that making a phone call is still such a big undertaking for the OP’s daughter is cause for concern.
Even though her doctors don’t seem to think she needs medication, a little more professional help might be in order…