While all parents want to at least be cordial with their child’s chosen spouse or partner… sometimes doing so is simply too difficult.
As their past words or actions might have permanently affected any chance of a healthy relationship.
As a result, when these spouses ask for help from their in-laws after finding themselves in a time of need, their chances of getting it are often slim to none.
Redditor Feeling-Possession28 was dismayed when their son left his wife for their Nanny, going on to neglect the children he had with his first wife in favor of his new family.
Not helping matters was that his new wife had no interest in having any kind of relationship with his ex-wife and their two children, or the original poster (OP) and his spouse
Sadly, the OP’s son eventually passed away at a young age, and when his widow turned to the OP for help, she was shocked by their response.
Wondering if they were being too harsh, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for saying that I will support my son’s children but not his widow?”
The OP explained why they were unwilling to support their son’s young widow:
“My son divorced his wife of ten years to get together with their nanny.”
“I told him that he was making a mistake but that he was an adult and could make his own decisions.”
“He became a sh*tty father to his children.”
“I wish I could say differently, but there it is.”
“I did the best I could to ensure that my grandchildren knew they were loved and part of a family.”
“My ex-daughter-in-law also remained.”
“We had known her for fourteen years, and she was always kind and friendly with us.”
“We used the money we were going to leave to our son and set up educational funds and a trust fund for his children he was neglecting.”
“My son had two children with his new wife.”
“She always held it against us that we told him that she was a mistake.”
“We didn’t get to see them very much.”
“She didn’t want them around his older children.”
“She didn’t want to be around his first wife.”
“It never ended.”
“My son passed away last year.”
“He left her a life insurance policy and a lot of debt.”
“She was a stay-at-home mom, and her only job previously was being a nanny.”
“And I’m not sure she would get a good reference from her previous employer.”
“She used the life insurance to pay off all of their debts, including the mortgage on their home.”
“But now she has started to run through the savings she had.”
“She came over with the kids to see if we would give her money from our son’s inheritance.”
“We told her that it was spoken for.”
“We said that we could help her out with stuff for the kids but that she would need to get a job to support her family.”
“She said we were family, so I said that she had basically ignored and sidelined us for years.”
“We are only family now that she needs us.”
“I said that we would take care of our grandchildren, but she needed to work.”
“Afterwards, I was discussing it with my spouse, and they feel I was harsh.”
“That she just lost her husband.”
“I said that she just lost her meal ticket.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to support their late son’s widow.
Everyone generally agreed that the OP was doing the right thing by supporting their grandchildren, but not their daughter-in-law, especially as she never treated them with respect before and now needed to figure out how to support herself.
“I say NTA.”
“As you said, she ignored you almost the entire relationship.”
“Allowing you hardly any visitation with said grandchildren over her own spite at the very woman she helped your son cheat on.”
“She purposely kept them away from their grandparents and siblings all out of spite.”
“You as a father tried even to prevent this whole situation, telling your son was in the wrong for having the affair to begin with.”
“The ones that matter, the children, are the ones you are still willing to help.”
“To help, love, and welcome.”
“They are the ones who can’t fend for themselves.”
“That’s what’s important.”
“She’s old enough, like you said, to get a job.”
“If she has to downgrade her home to make ends meet for herself, that’s on her.”
“She put herself in that situation.”
“She needs to step up.”
“You are a good grandfather, father, and family man.”
“You clearly didn’t discriminate against the children.”
“You tried to talk to your son when he made his poor choice.”
“NTA.”- XavinTheDragon
“NTA.”
“You’re a good parent!”
“You’re a great person!”
“You’re a financially smart person to boot!”
“Gawd.”
“Were you a judge before retiring?”
“No, the kids are not at fault.”
“They should be loved and taken care of as well.”
“You were not harsh.”
“You were fair, clear in your communication, and benevolent to your grandkids whom you didn’t even have a good relationship with bc you realize that they’re not at fault and too young to make decisions without their mom.”
“Continue as you were, please.”
“And I’m so sorry for your loss.”- KimchiAndLemonTree
“You are completely right.”
“The only reason she’s talking to you at all is because she wants you to support her.”
“And she obviously does not deserve it.”
“In my opinion.”
“Stay strong.”
“I think it’s correct for you to help your grandchildren and maybe build a better relationship with them.”
“You’re a great grandparent for remembering it’s not their fault.”
“But she doesn’t deserve anything from you.”
“Invest in their (grandchildren’s) future.”
“You could help with immediate needs for school: Clothing, shoes, etc., maybe even groceries.”
“But don’t give her a f**king dime.”
“NTA.”
“Where’s her family?”
“Why aren’t they helping?”
“She blew up your life, and then her own was blown up, and now she feels like she’s owed something?”
“I don’t get it.”
“But let her get financial help from her own family.”
“And don’t let her con you into thinking she has any claim on any future inheritance that you may or may not have given your son.”
“Contrary to her thinking, it’s still your money to do with whatever you please.”
“And it does not include her.”- KashmirStar
“What’s interesting to me is that she, the send wife, was the original kids’ NANNY and then distanced herself and her kids from those kids.”
“Sort of a double betrayal for the older kids.”
“First their family was blown up, their father abandoned them, and their nanny, the other person besides their parents who was supposed to care for them, caused it and alienated them too.”
“What a horrible woman.”
“As was the father.”
“You are NTA.”
“She needs to get a job.”- Artistic-Blackberry9
“NTA.”
“Your son passed away last year, meaning his wife has had ten months to find a job.”
“You offered to help with the kids’ expenses as long as she got a job.”
“That’s completely reasonable.”- teresajs
“NTA.”
“Stand strong!”
“She only came crawling back to you because she doesn’t want to work and be a real adult.”
“She used her temporary upper hand to ghost you and now has the audacity to call you family?”
“Absolutely not.”
“If she actually cared about her kids, she would get a job.”
“She just wants to be a leech and take advantage of you.”- barleysully
“NTA.”
“She had a house mortgage-free.”
“No debt.”
“I presume she’s young.”
“She can work like all the other parents in the world.”
“Were you to support her till she dies?”
“I did she think she would never have to work?”
“What you said was dead on.”
“She needs a job.”
“Period.”- Ihateyou1975
“NTA.”
“She didn’t want to know you, or have a relationship with you when your son was alive.”
“I know it must be hard dealing with the loss, but it is not your job to provide for her, especially now that she only wants to know you because she wants money.”
“As you said, you will support the grandchildren and have done with the trust funds, but you are under no obligation to provide for her. As you said she does need to get a job or a source of income to support herself.”- MegRea678
Being widowed with children unexpectedly (and at a young age) is a situation no one deserves to find themselves in.
Even so, regardless of how she became involved with the OP’s husband, it is surprising that this young widow would expect the OP to help her when she herself made an effort to keep them out of her family’s life.
Perhaps if she shows remorse and makes an effort to make amends, the situation will come to a point where she, as well as the children, might receive help from the OP.
Until then, she’d better start looking at the classified ads.