While some people are lucky enough to say they went through an “amicable divorce”, the process nonetheless takes an emotional toll.
Not only on the couple in question but also on everyone close to them. Particularly their children.
Far too often, when divorcing parents begin custody arrangements, they seldom consider the best interests of their children but think first and foremost of themselves.
Redditor Disastrous_Hornet777 recently went through an unpleasant divorce and made arrangements with their ex-husband as to who had the children on which days.
Much to the original poster (OP)’s frustration, their ex-husband asked for a rather last-minute day switch so their children could partake in a family celebration with his new girlfriend.
A request the OP flatly refused, feeling this new plan would benefit only him and not their children.
Fearing that they might have been unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to trade Halloween for Diwali for my children?”
The OP explained why they would not agree to a change in pre-arranged days with their ex-husband:
“Children involved are 3 and 4.”
“Born in Canada, so far raised without any religious influence, but neither parent is opposed to it.”
“The father, let’s call him Dave, and I have been separated since January 2021.”
“Co-Parenting has been rocky at best.”
“The relationship was riddled with emotional abuse; IMO, Dave is a textbook narcissist.”
“Having finally settled in court, this is the first year that a custody agreement will dictate the division of holidays (alternating each year).”
“This year, I am entitled to Halloween with our children.”
“Please keep in mind, I have no knowledge of what a Diwali celebration entails and am going only on what Dave has informed me will take place.”
“Forgive my ignorance or incorrect terms!”
“Additional info on Diwali celebrations are welcome!”
“Dave approached me this morning to ask if I would trade years for Halloween.”
“He would take the children this year, and I would have them next.”
“Dave explained that Diwali falls on Halloween this year and his girlfriend celebrates.”
“He stated that her family has invited the children to join in the celebrations.”
“Dave stated that the children would be picked up from school, travel 20 minutes to their home where they will have dinner, do Puja #1 at 5:10pm, travel 1 hour to gf’s families home, do Puja #2, have a snack, trick-or-treat and go to bed.”
“They would then stay overnight at the GF’s family’s home to continue the Diwali celebration the following day.”
“Both October 31st and November 1st are my parenting days.”
“Dave has not directly asked to have the children for Friday, but stating that they will sleep over and the celebration continues is presumed.”
“I am of the opinion that it is great for the children to experience other cultures and religions and welcome their participation in Diwali.”
“However, the children loved Halloween last year and haven’t stopped talking about it since!”
“They picked out their costumes in August and told anyone who would listen what they would be!”
“I feel that with the travel and additional celebrations, it may make for a very rushed and tiring Halloween.”
“I don’t know how long Puja lasts, but the timeline does not appear to allow for much time to trick-or-treat.”
“I do not want their Halloween experience compromised when they will ask again for another full year.”
“I have offered a solution to Dave that the kids would trick-or-treat as per usual but could spend Friday with the gf’s family to celebrate Diwali.”
“I also offered to drive the children the 1 hour to their family home, knowing that they will already be there and celebrating.”
“This way, the children could experience both Halloween and Diwali.”
“Dave seems to think that I am trying to control his parenting and it should be a simple trade for Halloween this year for next.”
“I feel that it is not simply a trade for this year and next because the children may miss out on the Halloween experience as a result of the switch.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to switch their parenting days.
Everyone agreed that no matter the circumstances, switching court-approved parenting days is never a good idea, particularly as Dave was clearly only thinking of himself and not their children. Those who celebrate Diwali also pointed out that there would probably be very little time for the OP’s children to do any trick-or-treating, likely ending in heartbreak.
“NTA.”
“They can celebrate Diwali next year when it doesn’t conflict with preexisting plans and your parenting plan.”
“Don’t let him make you budge on the parenting plan not even a year into it!”
“Give an inch, a narcissist will take 100 miles.”- FleaQueen_
“NTA.”
“Always follow the court’s ruling to the letter.”
“You would be amazed what a half-decent attorney could spin if your ex made a big deal out of you handing the kids over on your days.”
“Also, not for nothing, something tells me Diwali isn’t part of good old Dave’s culture.”
“And like Halloween, Diwali comes yearly.”
“Seems like the kids would rather do Halloween anyway, and that’s what’s really important.”-ibarguengoytiamiguel
“Honestly NTA Diwali puja can often take time, and kids will definitely be too tired by the time it ends.”
“And honestly, they won’t enjoy celebrating Diwali if it requires them to sacrifice something they’re really looking forward to.”
“The compromise you’ve suggested is totally reasonable!”- lee-reads
“Never compromise on court dates outside of a legitimate emergency or close relatives’ funeral.”
“Especially when it comes to someone with narcissistic traits.”
“They are not considering what’s best for the kids, your ex is thinking of how to make himself look better to his girlfriend’s family.”
“If he’s sincere about being committed to the woman, they can celebrate during their custody time with the kids next year.”
“Seriously OP, lawyers can twist your ‘compromise’ in all kinds of ways, from you ‘violating’ the court order thus ‘not respecting a judges judgement’ to ‘clearly she’s lying about her concerns with ex why else would she let him have extra access to the children?’ “
“It’s an insidious process that puts your kids safety at risk in the future, especially if your ex escalates to abusing the kids emotionally, mentally or physically.”
“NTA.”- I_wanna_be_anemone
“Indian here who celebrates diwali.”
“Once the puja is over, there will be something or the other, and there is no guarantee they would be able to go do trick or treat.”
“What if the GF’s family finds it rude at the last minute for them to go?”
“I say this coz my parents would absolutely lose their sh*t if I wanted to step out on diwali with friends as it is a festival where u prioritize and meet family.”
“Of course, as we grew up, they started to see that they couldn’t force us to stay home and came to terms with it and when there was no force, we loved being at home more.”
“As for puja, it depends.”
“Mine lasts 15 minutes tops.”
“Some people are very religious, and they can do puja for an hour or two.”
“It will be better for them not to go for Diwali and just do Halloween.”
“And if this gf sticks around, they can go experience Diwali next year as the date changes every year with the position of the moon so it will not fall on Halloween.”
“NTA, and if he pressurizes you, tell him you have an Indian friend who you consulted with, and it’s not necessary to go this year.”
“They can always go on next.”
“I am your Indian friend now.”
“I also live in Canada.”- practical-junkie
“The KIDS want to do Halloween, have already picked out outfits and are excited about it and have no idea what Diwali is.”
“They are THREE and FOUR.”
“And it is already your time, so Dave can pack sand.”
“You are ALLOWED to be controlling of YOUR time.”
“He’s right, it is a simple trade if you WANT to do it.”
“But you don’t.”
“Not a damn thing wrong with that.”
“NTA.”- Swiss_Miss_77
“NTA.”
“I’d tell him ‘this isn’t about what’s best for you or your girlfriend, it’s about what’s best for the kids. I’ve offered you a fair compromise, which you outright rejected, and as they’ve continually expressed their excitement for Halloween, I’m going to have to say no to your request’.”
“And if he continues to harass you, keep records of it.”- Redd1tmadesignup
It seemed that Dave wanted his children to celebrate Diwali with his new girlfriend to make a good impression on her and her family.
What he might not have considered is that forcing his children to miss Halloween potentially would result in his new girlfriend making a less-than-stellar impression on them.
While the court is at the end of the day on the OP’s side in this matter, Dave should nonetheless think about what would make his children happier before pursuing this further.
And that answer seems pretty clear.