While some people are lucky enough to say they went through an "amicable divorce", the process nonetheless takes an emotional toll.
Not only on the couple in question but also on everyone close to them. Particularly their children.
Far too often, when divorcing parents begin custody arrangements, they seldom consider the best interests of their children but think first and foremost of themselves.
Redditor Disastrous_Hornet777 recently went through an unpleasant divorce and made arrangements with their ex-husband as to who had the children on which days.
Much to the original poster (OP)'s frustration, their ex-husband asked for a rather last-minute day switch so their children could partake in a family celebration with his new girlfriend.
A request the OP flatly refused, feeling this new plan would benefit only him and not their children.
Fearing that they might have been unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to trade Halloween for Diwali for my children?"
The OP explained why they would not agree to a change in pre-arranged days with their ex-husband:
"Children involved are 3 and 4."
"Born in Canada, so far raised without any religious influence, but neither parent is opposed to it."
"The father, let's call him Dave, and I have been separated since January 2021."
"Co-Parenting has been rocky at best."
"The relationship was riddled with emotional abuse; IMO, Dave is a textbook narcissist."
"Having finally settled in court, this is the first year that a custody agreement will dictate the division of holidays (alternating each year)."
"This year, I am entitled to Halloween with our children."
"Please keep in mind, I have no knowledge of what a Diwali celebration entails and am going only on what Dave has informed me will take place."
"Forgive my ignorance or incorrect terms!"
"Additional info on Diwali celebrations are welcome!"
"Dave approached me this morning to ask if I would trade years for Halloween."
"He would take the children this year, and I would have them next."
"Dave explained that Diwali falls on Halloween this year and his girlfriend celebrates."
"He stated that her family has invited the children to join in the celebrations."
"Dave stated that the children would be picked up from school, travel 20 minutes to their home where they will have dinner, do Puja #1 at 5:10pm, travel 1 hour to gf's families home, do Puja #2, have a snack, trick-or-treat and go to bed."
"They would then stay overnight at the GF's family's home to continue the Diwali celebration the following day."
"Both October 31st and November 1st are my parenting days."
"Dave has not directly asked to have the children for Friday, but stating that they will sleep over and the celebration continues is presumed."
"I am of the opinion that it is great for the children to experience other cultures and religions and welcome their participation in Diwali."
"However, the children loved Halloween last year and haven't stopped talking about it since!"
"They picked out their costumes in August and told anyone who would listen what they would be!"
"I feel that with the travel and additional celebrations, it may make for a very rushed and tiring Halloween."
"I don't know how long Puja lasts, but the timeline does not appear to allow for much time to trick-or-treat."
"I do not want their Halloween experience compromised when they will ask again for another full year."
"I have offered a solution to Dave that the kids would trick-or-treat as per usual but could spend Friday with the gf's family to celebrate Diwali."
"I also offered to drive the children the 1 hour to their family home, knowing that they will already be there and celebrating."
"This way, the children could experience both Halloween and Diwali."
"Dave seems to think that I am trying to control his parenting and it should be a simple trade for Halloween this year for next."
"I feel that it is not simply a trade for this year and next because the children may miss out on the Halloween experience as a result of the switch."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to switch their parenting days.
Everyone agreed that no matter the circumstances, switching court-approved parenting days is never a good idea, particularly as Dave was clearly only thinking of himself and not their children. Those who celebrate Diwali also pointed out that there would probably be very little time for the OP's children to do any trick-or-treating, likely ending in heartbreak.
"NTA."
"They can celebrate Diwali next year when it doesn't conflict with preexisting plans and your parenting plan."
"Don't let him make you budge on the parenting plan not even a year into it!"
"Give an inch, a narcissist will take 100 miles."- FleaQueen_
"NTA."
"Always follow the court's ruling to the letter."
"You would be amazed what a half-decent attorney could spin if your ex made a big deal out of you handing the kids over on your days."
"Also, not for nothing, something tells me Diwali isn't part of good old Dave's culture."
"And like Halloween, Diwali comes yearly."
"Seems like the kids would rather do Halloween anyway, and that's what's really important."-ibarguengoytiamiguel
"Honestly NTA Diwali puja can often take time, and kids will definitely be too tired by the time it ends."
"And honestly, they won't enjoy celebrating Diwali if it requires them to sacrifice something they're really looking forward to."
"The compromise you've suggested is totally reasonable!"- lee-reads
"Never compromise on court dates outside of a legitimate emergency or close relatives' funeral."
"Especially when it comes to someone with narcissistic traits."
"They are not considering what's best for the kids, your ex is thinking of how to make himself look better to his girlfriend's family."
"If he's sincere about being committed to the woman, they can celebrate during their custody time with the kids next year."
"Seriously OP, lawyers can twist your 'compromise' in all kinds of ways, from you 'violating' the court order thus 'not respecting a judges judgement' to 'clearly she's lying about her concerns with ex why else would she let him have extra access to the children?' "
"It's an insidious process that puts your kids safety at risk in the future, especially if your ex escalates to abusing the kids emotionally, mentally or physically."
"NTA."- I_wanna_be_anemone
"Indian here who celebrates diwali."
"Once the puja is over, there will be something or the other, and there is no guarantee they would be able to go do trick or treat."
"What if the GF's family finds it rude at the last minute for them to go?"
"I say this coz my parents would absolutely lose their sh*t if I wanted to step out on diwali with friends as it is a festival where u prioritize and meet family."
"Of course, as we grew up, they started to see that they couldn't force us to stay home and came to terms with it and when there was no force, we loved being at home more."
"As for puja, it depends."
"Mine lasts 15 minutes tops."
"Some people are very religious, and they can do puja for an hour or two."
"It will be better for them not to go for Diwali and just do Halloween."
"And if this gf sticks around, they can go experience Diwali next year as the date changes every year with the position of the moon so it will not fall on Halloween."
"NTA, and if he pressurizes you, tell him you have an Indian friend who you consulted with, and it's not necessary to go this year."
"They can always go on next."
"I am your Indian friend now."
"I also live in Canada."- practical-junkie
"The KIDS want to do Halloween, have already picked out outfits and are excited about it and have no idea what Diwali is."
"They are THREE and FOUR."
"And it is already your time, so Dave can pack sand."
"You are ALLOWED to be controlling of YOUR time."
"He's right, it is a simple trade if you WANT to do it."
"But you don't."
"Not a damn thing wrong with that."
"NTA."- Swiss_Miss_77
"NTA."
"I'd tell him 'this isn't about what's best for you or your girlfriend, it's about what's best for the kids. I've offered you a fair compromise, which you outright rejected, and as they've continually expressed their excitement for Halloween, I'm going to have to say no to your request'."
"And if he continues to harass you, keep records of it."- Redd1tmadesignup
It seemed that Dave wanted his children to celebrate Diwali with his new girlfriend to make a good impression on her and her family.
What he might not have considered is that forcing his children to miss Halloween potentially would result in his new girlfriend making a less-than-stellar impression on them.
While the court is at the end of the day on the OP's side in this matter, Dave should nonetheless think about what would make his children happier before pursuing this further.
And that answer seems pretty clear.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp