Going through a divorce is never easy, but separated parents with children is much more frustrating and complicated.
One divorced parent with teen children reached the end of their patience and was forced to give their ex an ultimatum regarding a certain situation.
After struggling with guilt, they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked for strangers online to weigh in for judgment.
There, Redditr ThrowRANervous_ asked:
"AITA for refusing to taxi my children to see their Dad?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My children are teenagers. Their Dad doesn't drive, he has no license. Today is his day to have them, and he expects them dropped off at his house (a 20 minute drive away, around 8 miles)."
"He owes child maintenance money, which he withholds. Is messaging me constant abuse calling me a 'money grabbing c*nt', and other vile words, even though it's not me who has asked him for more money, it was determined by The Child Maintenance Service."
The OP continued:
"He says that by me not chauffeuring them around, I'm stopping him seeing them. I've said he is welcome to come and pick them up, his new partner has a car."
"I'd never refuse him access, but I will no longer drive them to him, surely it's his responsibility to come and get them?"
"So, AITA, because he makes me feel like one."
"Thanks."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA for not taking on 100% of the transport responsibility; presumably, he is managing to get around elsewhere without a car or your help, so there is no reason he cannot work out picking up his kids."
"Having said this, if your sole reason for not driving them is because he is being a nasty bastard and doesn't deserve your help and not because it is an inconvenience /added expense for you then please also consider your kids before making this stance. How will they feel if they don't get to go?"
"Is there any way you could speak to him and the kids about the fact that you need to scale back and eventually stop taking on the transport responsibilities for both parents, thus giving him (and showing the kids that you are giving him) ample time to come up with alternative arrangements?" – ElizaPickle
"I've spoken to the kids about this issue and how I can't afford to take on the responsibility for petrol costs. I work two jobs, earning minimum wage."
"He earns £80k+ a year, so they understand why I'm doing this. I feel awful that I could be made out to be the bad guy, when I'm simply doing what is affordable for me currently, with his lack of payments." – OP
"It's important to not put adult problems on children, especially if the problems are between their parents. That kind of thing can wind up with you being the bad guy."
'That's NOT what you're doing though, so try to let go of that guilt.'
"Your children are teenagers. They know you work two jobs. Telling them you simply can't afford the added cost caused by your ex-husband's inability to manage his side of transportation isn't unreasonable." – DragonCelica
"If your ex is being abusive (and he clearly is calling you things like that), please download one of the apps for custody situations that track conversations between divorced people and only speak to your ex through that."
"Block his family, only Talk to him through the app, and then show the records to the judge. NTA And I don't see the virtue of the kids are seeing him because they're just gonna pick up on his mental poison." – Remote-Physics6980
"You are not the bad guy."
"Taxi's exist. Depending on where you are in the UK, there could be Uber (it's not so much of a thing in smaller towns and out in the countryside)."
"And of course the good old bus."
"Tell him to apply for his provisional license and then to go book himself one of those two-week intensive driving courses. Unless he can't drive for medical reasons, he should really consider learning to drive. He can book and take his theory test pretty quickly once he's got his provisional licence as well."
"The only person stopping him from seeing the kids is him. Which is highly likely how a court would see it as well. The kids are also old enough to understand he has options, and he is the one not making the effort to sort transport."
"He has options, he just wants to make your life harder. Hopefully, he will wake up and realize that the only people he's hurting are his own kids." – RepresentativeGur250
"NTA. He earns over £80k??? In the UK, the wage is extremely high. He could send a taxi to pick them up and drop them off. Don't let him pass the costs to you when he is earning such a high wage and you're working two part-time jobs to keep a roof over the kids' heads."
"If he loved his kids, he'd want their mum to be happy and stress-free as possible. What a selfish greedy bastard." – KatefromtheHudd
"If he's ducking the child maintenance payments, contact CMS and ask to be put onto Collect & Pay. It'll cost him far more, and CMS can apply to the courts for a liability order, enabling them to deduct directly from his salary."
"There's not enough polish in the world for the brass neck of him refusing to pay for his children when he's earning £80k a year. And the entitlement of expecting you to be chauffeur when you're already doing the majority of everything is WILD."
"(Ps. you're not alone here btw, my children's 'father' tries the exact same BS constantly and the kids look to me with their sad faces on and ask me to drive them when he stands there in his 40s without a license or even a hint of shame that that's the kind of parent he is. Hugs to you, your kids can see who is striving for them and it ain't Dad.)" – Humble_Flow_3665
"NTA. If you are able (I don't know where you are, but), take him back to court and have his wages garnished. Some places will take his license away until he pays up."
"Talk to your lawyer about it."
"Don't feel like you are awful or that this makes you a bad parent. That is what he wants you to think."
"Stick to your plan and make him come get them. She can drive him or he can take a taxi, Uber, Lyft, ask a friend, parent, sibling etc..."
"The ball is in your court, and if he tries to bad mouth you by telling them, "Mommy won't bring you here so I can see you, isn't she horrible." Make sure you let him know that you could do the same thing, and tell them, "Daddy won't come to get you. He must not love you." DO NOT TELL THEM THIS, but make sure he understands it completely."
"I hope things get easier. ♡" – MorgainofAvalon
"I have six children with my ex-husband, and in the decade we've been apart, I have not one day, not one time, transported them to him for his visitation time. No court has ordered it, no court has encouraged it, and in fact, he was court-ordered to buy a vehicle big enough to manage transportation all by his grown-up self."
"The responsibility for his visitation has been laid solely on him, and he has waived it PLENTY of times by not showing up. The eventual distance he created by his absence is his fault, not mine."
"Additionally, we are court-ordered to communicate solely through a co-parenting app called 'Our Family Wizard' to prevent similar vitriol coming from him to me. Something similar might be helpful for you. Hang in there. NTA. (Edit: typos)" – _throwaway_wifey_
"NTA."
"Responsibility is 50/50, and access is not the same as transportation."
"For example...I have 'access' to a 24/7 gym, but it's my responsibility to get off my lazy ass over there.."
"The father has access to his kids on the given days...OP is not locking them up and denying him that...he just has to put in the effort to get off his lazy ass to get them." – warclonex
In an update, the OP wrote:
"He has now called the children and said he'll be over to collect them later this afternoon, I assume, with his partner driving. Thanks everyone x"
"I reported him to CMS and requested to switch to collect and pay from his wages (he'd have to pay an additional 20%), and he paid what he was supposed to directly to me. I really appreciate everyone's advice and support with this. Thank you 🙏"
Hopefully, the OP and the ex can move on from this and resume their separate pursuits for a new chapter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp