Going through a divorce is never easy, but separated parents with children is much more frustrating and complicated.
One divorced parent with teen children reached the end of their patience and was forced to give their ex an ultimatum regarding a certain situation.
After struggling with guilt, they visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked for strangers online to weigh in for judgment.
There, Redditr ThrowRANervous_ asked:
“AITA for refusing to taxi my children to see their Dad?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My children are teenagers. Their Dad doesn’t drive, he has no license. Today is his day to have them, and he expects them dropped off at his house (a 20 minute drive away, around 8 miles).”
“He owes child maintenance money, which he withholds. Is messaging me constant abuse calling me a ‘money grabbing c*nt’, and other vile words, even though it’s not me who has asked him for more money, it was determined by The Child Maintenance Service.”
The OP continued:
“He says that by me not chauffeuring them around, I’m stopping him seeing them. I’ve said he is welcome to come and pick them up, his new partner has a car.”
“I’d never refuse him access, but I will no longer drive them to him, surely it’s his responsibility to come and get them?”
“So, AITA, because he makes me feel like one.”
“Thanks.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA for not taking on 100% of the transport responsibility; presumably, he is managing to get around elsewhere without a car or your help, so there is no reason he cannot work out picking up his kids.”
“Having said this, if your sole reason for not driving them is because he is being a nasty bastard and doesn’t deserve your help and not because it is an inconvenience /added expense for you then please also consider your kids before making this stance. How will they feel if they don’t get to go?”
“Is there any way you could speak to him and the kids about the fact that you need to scale back and eventually stop taking on the transport responsibilities for both parents, thus giving him (and showing the kids that you are giving him) ample time to come up with alternative arrangements?” – ElizaPickle
“I’ve spoken to the kids about this issue and how I can’t afford to take on the responsibility for petrol costs. I work two jobs, earning minimum wage.”
“He earns £80k+ a year, so they understand why I’m doing this. I feel awful that I could be made out to be the bad guy, when I’m simply doing what is affordable for me currently, with his lack of payments.” – OP
“It’s important to not put adult problems on children, especially if the problems are between their parents. That kind of thing can wind up with you being the bad guy.”
‘That’s NOT what you’re doing though, so try to let go of that guilt.’
“Your children are teenagers. They know you work two jobs. Telling them you simply can’t afford the added cost caused by your ex-husband’s inability to manage his side of transportation isn’t unreasonable.” – DragonCelica
“If your ex is being abusive (and he clearly is calling you things like that), please download one of the apps for custody situations that track conversations between divorced people and only speak to your ex through that.”
“Block his family, only Talk to him through the app, and then show the records to the judge. NTA And I don’t see the virtue of the kids are seeing him because they’re just gonna pick up on his mental poison.” – Remote-Physics6980
“You are not the bad guy.”
“Taxi’s exist. Depending on where you are in the UK, there could be Uber (it’s not so much of a thing in smaller towns and out in the countryside).”
“And of course the good old bus.”
“Tell him to apply for his provisional license and then to go book himself one of those two-week intensive driving courses. Unless he can’t drive for medical reasons, he should really consider learning to drive. He can book and take his theory test pretty quickly once he’s got his provisional licence as well.”
“The only person stopping him from seeing the kids is him. Which is highly likely how a court would see it as well. The kids are also old enough to understand he has options, and he is the one not making the effort to sort transport.”
“He has options, he just wants to make your life harder. Hopefully, he will wake up and realize that the only people he’s hurting are his own kids.” – RepresentativeGur250
“NTA. He earns over £80k??? In the UK, the wage is extremely high. He could send a taxi to pick them up and drop them off. Don’t let him pass the costs to you when he is earning such a high wage and you’re working two part-time jobs to keep a roof over the kids’ heads.”
“If he loved his kids, he’d want their mum to be happy and stress-free as possible. What a selfish greedy bastard.” – KatefromtheHudd
“If he’s ducking the child maintenance payments, contact CMS and ask to be put onto Collect & Pay. It’ll cost him far more, and CMS can apply to the courts for a liability order, enabling them to deduct directly from his salary.”
“There’s not enough polish in the world for the brass neck of him refusing to pay for his children when he’s earning £80k a year. And the entitlement of expecting you to be chauffeur when you’re already doing the majority of everything is WILD.”
“(Ps. you’re not alone here btw, my children’s ‘father’ tries the exact same BS constantly and the kids look to me with their sad faces on and ask me to drive them when he stands there in his 40s without a license or even a hint of shame that that’s the kind of parent he is. Hugs to you, your kids can see who is striving for them and it ain’t Dad.)” – Humble_Flow_3665
“NTA. If you are able (I don’t know where you are, but), take him back to court and have his wages garnished. Some places will take his license away until he pays up.”
“Talk to your lawyer about it.”
“Don’t feel like you are awful or that this makes you a bad parent. That is what he wants you to think.”
“Stick to your plan and make him come get them. She can drive him or he can take a taxi, Uber, Lyft, ask a friend, parent, sibling etc…”
“The ball is in your court, and if he tries to bad mouth you by telling them, “Mommy won’t bring you here so I can see you, isn’t she horrible.” Make sure you let him know that you could do the same thing, and tell them, “Daddy won’t come to get you. He must not love you.” DO NOT TELL THEM THIS, but make sure he understands it completely.”
“I hope things get easier. ♡” – MorgainofAvalon
“I have six children with my ex-husband, and in the decade we’ve been apart, I have not one day, not one time, transported them to him for his visitation time. No court has ordered it, no court has encouraged it, and in fact, he was court-ordered to buy a vehicle big enough to manage transportation all by his grown-up self.”
“The responsibility for his visitation has been laid solely on him, and he has waived it PLENTY of times by not showing up. The eventual distance he created by his absence is his fault, not mine.”
“Additionally, we are court-ordered to communicate solely through a co-parenting app called ‘Our Family Wizard’ to prevent similar vitriol coming from him to me. Something similar might be helpful for you. Hang in there. NTA. (Edit: typos)” – _throwaway_wifey_
“NTA.”
“Responsibility is 50/50, and access is not the same as transportation.”
“For example…I have ‘access’ to a 24/7 gym, but it’s my responsibility to get off my lazy ass over there..”
“The father has access to his kids on the given days…OP is not locking them up and denying him that…he just has to put in the effort to get off his lazy ass to get them.” – warclonex
In an update, the OP wrote:
“He has now called the children and said he’ll be over to collect them later this afternoon, I assume, with his partner driving. Thanks everyone x”
“I reported him to CMS and requested to switch to collect and pay from his wages (he’d have to pay an additional 20%), and he paid what he was supposed to directly to me. I really appreciate everyone’s advice and support with this. Thank you 🙏”
Hopefully, the OP and the ex can move on from this and resume their separate pursuits for a new chapter.