When we are out in public among strangers, we understand that we should not touch other people without their consent.
But for some reason when it comes to babies and pregnant women, some people think that they're entitled to an exception, judged the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SassyBottleDrop was out shopping with their young baby when they were approached by an elderly woman who thought their baby was cute.
When the elderly woman insisted on touching the baby, the Original Poster (OP) immediately told the woman no, much to her surprise and protest.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for 'yelling' at a woman for touching my baby?"
The OP was out shopping with their young baby.
"Today at Walmart a 60-ish-year-old lady was walking by and smiled at my baby who I was carrying."
"My baby smiled back and she said, 'Cute!'"
"And I thought that was all."
"Not to brag, but I really do have a cute baby who seems to melt hearts everywhere with sweet baby smiles."
But the elderly woman escalated the situation.
"Instead of walking on she, super fast, reached out and grabbed my baby's hand."
"I was surprised and stepped back, saying, 'Not the hands! Not the hands, you don't touch!'"
"Well... apparently I shouldn't yell, etc., it's not worth repeating, and she gave me the most hate-filled look of anger..."
The OP felt that they were in the right.
"Honestly, the audacity still makes me angry. F**k that lady, she is lucky I was trying to pull my baby away and I didn't push her away instead."
"I think I'm in the right here and she was the worst, but I want to make sure I'm not an overprotective AH."
"She moved so fast, that I think she knew she was doing something wrong."
"And my baby immediately put that hand in their mouth while I was trying to hold them and grab wipes."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some immediately sided with the OP and insisted that consent was everything.
"NTA. You don't touch strangers. And that includes babies. Especially babies." - shammy_dammy
"The ONLY time you should be touching a strange baby is if you just found it and are bringing it to the police or inside the store, or whatever."
"You don't just touch people's babies?? Like, that lady was seriously in the wrong." - LittleAnarchistDemon
"The ONLY folks with ANY type of permission to touch a baby outside of FAMILY who have already been given permission are first responders, responding to an emergency involving the baby (which hopefully is never needed!), a doctor/nurse/other staff at the baby's doctor's office, and their childcare workers if the baby is in outside-the-home care."
"That's it, NONE of us touch the baby, no matter how adorable they are!" - EmmerdoesNOTrepme
"NTA. You had a very understandable reaction to some rando putting their grubby hands on your baby. You didn't act maliciously or curse her out."
"People will use her generation as an excuse, but that's bulls**t. Putting your hands on anyone, especially a child, without permission is never okay." - Future-Path8412
"I come from the generation of 'Stranger Danger.' No one came up to a kid they didn't know for fear of said kid screaming 'Stranger Danger' as loud as they could and drawing the biggest crowd imaginable."
"Where was this lady's head? Her a** maybe? How did she come to the conclusion that this was a good idea? I thought everyone, young and old, had had this drilled into their heads in the 80's and 90's. I'm sorry she missed the memo all those years ago and that, for some reason, she chose you to ignore every warning and good piece of advice she was offered through the years."
"You didn't deserve to be put in that situation then, and you definitely don't deserve to feel bad after the fact. She was in the wrong; you are NTA! Give your beautiful baby lots of love and kisses and sleep like the queen you are!" - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
A few shared their own frustrating experiences of people not respecting boundaries.
"When my grandson was younger, he had this glorious curly hair. People wanted to touch it all the time."
"Seriously, I wanted to b***h-slap some of them for actually reaching for him. Babies and baby bumps are sacrosanct." - notthemama58
"When our son was just a few months old, my husband and I were at a mall. He was in a store as I sat with my son."
"Some strange lady started to reach into the stroller. Before I could even react, my husband was right there and physically blocked her. He said he thought about attaching a sign: 'Don't even f**king think about it!' (and that was over 30 years ago)!" - siouxbee1434
"An older woman was reaching for my six-month-old in the DOCTOR'S office."
"I said, 'Swiper, no swiping!' (from 'Dora the Explorer')"
"She looked at me like I was crazy, and then my name was called. Lol (laughing out loud)."
"Why are you touching a stranger in a doctor's office? You don't know why we're here?!" - BlossomingPosy17
"I slapped people's hands away that touched and tried to touch my son like that as a baby and toddler, while loudly, and firmly, telling them 'No' in my voice usually reserved for training dogs."
"I even had the police called on me for it once with an entitled wench who touched my tiny infant. The lady was sobbing crocodile tears just as the cops got there... 20 minutes after I slapped her hand away, and after she yelled at me for way too long."
"Officers ended up telling her I could have her arrested for assault, and I was free to go as it was in defense of my six-week-old infant I was carrying in a wrap on my CHEST."
"I didn't have her arrested. I didn't have to. She lost her sh*t. She hit the officer. It was almost instant karma watching her get put in cuffs while she was screaming, kicking, and spitting. She was none too gently thrown in the car and spent eight months in jail... because she couldn't keep her hands to herself and her mouth shut. I did wave goodbye to her as she left. I didn't want to be rude. Lol (laughing out loud)." - Gadgettownsme
Others agreed and pointed out what reasonable interactions with kids looked like.
"Smile at babies. Wave at them. Play peek-a-boo if you are in line with them and their parents. Make polite conversation with their parents (how cute, how old, are they your first?)."
"I've definitely had people touch my babies before, and it's weird and uncomfortable because as you said, why would you intentionally touch someone you don't know?" - MoonFlowerDaisy
"I feel like that should be such a common sense thing. Short of obvious things like getting a kid out of direct danger, just don't touch 'em or give them things without knowing the parent is okay with it. That's basic respect."
"Even when I've had little kids come up to me and want to be picked up/hugged or whatever I just ask or give the parents a little look first to make sure they're cool with it." - Pollowollo
"NTA. I love smiling and waving at a baby in public, but I have NEVER thought to touch a stranger's baby! Half the time, I'm scared the parent will think I'm a creep just for saying hi." - jenneybearbozo3
"NTA. This is a bit off-topic, but I think older people get away with inappropriate s**t because they are old."
"I was in my mid-20s and at my grandfather's funeral, he died a rather tragic, unforeseeable death, I also had to be a pallbearer because of my height and because I was replacing a family member who wasn't physically able to do so. It was a really hard and terrible day for me."
"While at the funeral reception, an elderly woman approached me and gestured me down to talk to her (she was very much shorter than me), so I bent down, at which point she grabbed the back of my head and started caressing it and softly stated, 'I love bald men' (I had started shaving my head a year or so prior bc I started losing my hair early)."
"Anyway, after a few minutes, she finally let go and left, at which point my ex started wiping at my head, turns out the old woman had cream cheese icing all over her hands and had smeared it all over the back of my head. What I thought was going to be a kindly interaction with a former friend or family member ended up being a creepy experience on a day when I was already pretty f**ked up."
"Just because she's an elderly individual doesn't give her the right to act irresponsibly or against your will. She has absolutely no right to be offended if you find her actions to be inappropriate." - DTG_1000
"NTA. Having good intentions is just that, having good intentions. It's a totally different thing to have good intentions and do something that could SERIOUSLY harm somebody as susceptible as a baby."
"Human hands are GROSS, lots of people don't wash their hands, and babies can die from the germs on an adult's hands."
"Never ever feel bad for protecting your baby, even if it DOES make you look like an a**hole. Better to be an a**hole by protecting your baby than to be an a**hole by killing/harming somebody else's baby." - Ditzy-Daisy_20
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
"Thank you for the replies so far! I'm sleep-deprived, and it's making me emotional that other people are saying that touching anyone else uninvited, let alone a baby is wrong. I'm relieved."
"I have multiple kids, and one recently brought home a virus that had everyone in the house horribly sick. None of the kiddos in the house had been that sick in a few years; it was the baby's first fever."
"I was worried that my recent experience had made me overprotective."
"I honestly don't remember people being so baby-grabby in the past, but my last kid was an infant during the pandemic lockdown so maybe that's why?"
"And for the few who thought I was overprotective before, the baby's feet are also now a serious no-go."
"And I have learned a few good things to say if people try."
The subReddit was equally creeped out by the elderly woman's behavior and angry on the OP's behalf for how their and their baby's space had been disrespected.
It's totally okay to think a baby is cute and say hi to them, but before you even think about holding their hand, you have to ask permission and then respect the child and the parent when the parent says no.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp