The honeymoon tradition is believed to have originated in Europe in the 5th century, but may have a very dark past.
Some historians think it is related to the practice of marriage by capture, where a man would kidnap a woman for a full moon cycle to try to get her pregnant. Once a woman was pregnant, the forced marriage couldn’t be annulled by the woman’s family.
But other scholars say “honeymoon” is a reference to the practice of 5th century wedding guests giving newly married couples a month’s worth of mead—a fermented honey beverage—which was believed to boost fertility.
The lunar month was also thought to bring good luck. During the first lunar cycle of marriage, the couple was expected to spend time together filled with joy, fertility, and sweetness.
Maybe both are true, maybe neither is.
Regardless of its origin, honeymoons of today are usually a trip taken by the newlyweds to an often exotic location.
A soon-to-be bride looking forward to her own honeymoon turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after finding out she’d be getting some unexpected guests on her trip.
Impressive-Garlic488 asked:
“AITA for demanding that my fiancé’s parents change their plans to have a vacation at the same place as our honeymoon?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé and I have our wedding coming up in April. We had brainstormed for a while on where best to spend our honeymoon.”
“We went over the more popular and well-known places, but then landed on a more offbeat destination that I felt would truly be a great place for us to start our life as a married couple. I’ve been looking forward to it just being the two of us.”
“He’d told me back then that he hadn’t told his parents yet that we’d confirmed our honeymoon destination. But he didn’t tell me why, otherwise I’d have followed his cue.”
“Then when his mother asked me later in a call, I told her where we were going and hyped up the place. I so regret that now.”
“l know he has a really hectic work schedule and we were going to make the most out of this.”
“A couple of days ago, he told me that his parents had been impressed by how hyped I was about it and were planning on going there for a vacation too, largely overlapping with our honeymoon dates.”
“They’re staying at the same hotel as us. There were a couple of bikinis that I had bought for the beach which would definitely be considered tacky to wear in front of in-laws.”
“I was livid. They can go any other time, why now?”
“Our honeymoon dates can’t be changed really. Like, I’d be OK with that, but I know it wouldn’t work for my fiancé. He had to move around some work stuff for us to finally land on these dates.”
“A different hotel for us could work, but this is like a coastal area and I really wanted a hotel close to the beach, but I’ll start looking for some others, too. This hotel had really good reviews.”
“And because it’s not a huge city or something, if people want to meet, it’s not too inconvenient. Which sucks, because what if they decide they do want to meet? And what if we meet on the beach?
“I’d have to change what I plan on wearing. I’m just really hoping they change their plan, because quite honestly, if I’m the one that has to change plans, I might not end up being a good daughter-in-law.”
“He said he had suggested that they change their plans, but his mom said they had taken time off for the wedding too, and it worked well into their plans. Also, that since we’re going to be going back to where we live, it’ll allow them to maybe see us a few times before we leave.”
“I was almost in tears I was so angry. He tried to reassure me saying they had promised it’ll be two separate things and they won’t be inserting themselves in our honeymoon, they want us to enjoy it, and they’d be doing their own thing.”
“I want to believe it, but I know his mom. I like her as a soon-to-be mother-in-law (MIL), but she can be very clingy and routinely laments how far he (and now us) are from them. So I just have a feeling the two plans are not going to be as independent as he thinks they’ll be.”
“I vented about it to my parents, too. My mom agreed with me that this isn’t right. My dad is more on the fence about it, he doesn’t think everything is ruined.”
“I’ve demanded my fiancé make them change their plans. He says he asked them to, they promised to do their own thing, what can he do? Tell them he doesn’t believe them and call them liars?”
“I messed up here and said if that’s what it takes. He got quiet I realized that was too much and sincerely apologized for crossing the line.”
“This has been eating me up. I was envisioning a certain type of honeymoon and this happened.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I’m demanding that my fiancé’s parents change their vacation plans that they have promised won’t interfere with our honeymoon.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. My mother tried the same thing with my brother and my now sister-in-law. I lost my sh*t on her so hard I think she stopped speaking to me for a month.”
“I didn’t care. It’s f*cking outrageous to think you can join a couple on a honeymoon. Just batsh*t crazy.” ~ LindaBelchersPickle
“It’s batsh*t crazy to book the same hotel, time and destination as your child of their honeymoon. Everyone knows it. So why did they do it in the first place? NTA.” ~ NinjaHidingintheOpen
“I’m guessing they didn’t expect their future daughter-in-law and son to be ballsy enough to tell them to back off. So inappropriate for them to even consider this as an okay thing to do.” ~ Affectionate_Sun_733
“NTA. I would personally change the hotel or stay at a different hotel the dates they’re going to be there. Also, a no cell phone policy, so they can’t get ahold of you.”
“But to be honest, this is a husband problem and not an in-law problem. He should have shut her down point blank at even the suggestion of going to your honeymoon destination at the same time.” ~ KoolaidKoll123
“They will constantly be texting as to what your plans are for the day. Where are you going to eat dinner? And then they will be on the same excursions, at the same restaurant, etc…”
“Just tell your fiancé that this is your honeymoon—just you two—not a family vacation, and you want it to be private without in-laws clamoring to be a part of your life that they have no business being involved in.”
“I would either change the hotel or pick another destination. If they want to know why, just simply tell them that you are honeymooners and you don’t want to see outsiders, friends, in-laws—no one.”
“It’s your honeymoon, just for the two of you, and no interlopers are allowed. NTA.” ~ briomio
The OP provided an update:
“Hi, thank you for the advice in the original post. I thought over this more. I was heartened by the response here, because I thought I was the one being over-the-top about this, but I saw that most people agreed that what they’re doing isn’t right.”
“I really didn’t want to change our plans, so I planned to talk to him again, speaking respectfully about his parents, but firm, because last time I had gone over the line a bit which had derailed our conversation.”
“We met yesterday after work. I raised the issue with him again. I said that he knows how much I’d been looking forward to our honeymoon. I only plan on having it once, and his parents being there will ruin it for both of us.”
“I also said that I didn’t want to change anything about it—not the hotel or the destination. It just wasn’t fair. He said he doesn’t like that they’re coming either, but they’re giving their word to not interfere.”
“But to me it’s not about believing them, just that the honeymoon I had in mind is going to get ruined with them around. I told him that this wasn’t a trivial annoyance for me, this was actually making me unhappy and I need him to do something about it.”
“He said he’ll handle it.”
“Well, first he told me that knowing his parents (especially his mom), she is going to feel slighted by us. We’re going to be living a 4 hour flight away from them, so it’s not like we’re going to see them too often, but he said he just wanted me to know that was going to happen.”
“I said I’m fine with that—probably could’ve been more tactful, but he found it amusing. He said he’ll handle it so I waited.”
“Last night he told me his parents were canceling their plan. I asked him how it went, he said it went fine. They said it would be two separate plans, but he told them their plan was becoming a problem, and asked them to change their plan and it would mean a lot to him.”
“They hadn’t booked travel tickets yet, but they’re looking into either getting a refund on their hotel reservations or my fiancé suggested delaying it to some time later in the future.”
“They had also asked my fiancé to send pictures of the area, beach, hotel, our room, etc… Which is a bit annoying, not gonna lie, to send pictures while we’re still there, but since they’ve asked, I guess we can make sure to send them some at least.”
“I told him I was sorry that he’d been put in this position, but I was so happy about it. I started tearing up too, this had just been bearing on me so heavily, and I was so glad it was back to the way I have it in my mind.”
“Also, I know the stress of wedding and work has been bearing on him too, and I didn’t like adding this extra stress onto him either.”
“He said it was a very short and simple convo with his parents. I thought there’d be a big argument because he said they hadn’t been swayed previously.”
“They’ve agreed to cancel it now. They’ve told my fiancé they will. I’ve really been looking forward to going there and I’m just going to hold them to their word.”
“If they backtrack now or show up unannounced, I’m never going to forgive them.”
“My parents were also really happy for me.”
“My dad thinks it wouldn’t hurt to call my MIL and just apologize for what happened, not in a ‘I’m sorry I did this’ way, but more of a ‘I’m sorry this happened’ way. My mom thinks there’s no need. My fiancé thinks it’s up to me.”
“I’m really glad I came here and found out I wasn’t overreacting, or I wouldn’t have had the confidence to ask for my honeymoon back. Thank you.”
The OP later added:
“There won’t be any apologies. His parents had asked for pictures from us during our honeymoon.”
“I’m not sending sh*t.”
“His mom had the audacity to complain to my mom about me.”
“How I’m not making an effort to become a part of the family, how she was sure I must’ve been the reason my fiancé made them cancel their vacation, how unfortunate it was that I was so hostile to them, and how I didn’t understand the importance of relationships.”
“My mom stood up for me and said I have no duty to anyone except my soon-to-be husband.”
“I take back whatever I might have said about me generally liking my soon-to-be MIL. I’m done.”
“They’ve canceled their vacation, that’s what I wanted, I’m going to smile for the family pictures at the wedding, and once we fly out, I’m done with her.”
“She’s not getting any apologies. She’ll be lucky if I ever visit her now.”
“After she talked sh*t about me to my mom, I spoke to my fiancé and told him I was done with her. He agreed that what she did was uncalled for.”
“He said he was OK with me going no contact (NC) for now at least, until her attitude toward me changes.”
“But I don’t know how he feels about him going NC too because, honestly, I didn’t ask him. He’s her son, and I figured asking him to go NC too might be asking too much of him.”
“I think if we were living close to her and seeing her regularly, I would be very wary of how our relationship would play out. But we’re going to be living far from her, and he honestly isn’t the type who shares everything with her.”
Well, alls well that ends well, hopefully.
Fingers crossed that the OP doesn’t have any surprises on her honeymoon.