The price of education is out of control.
Sometimes it feels like it’s this generation’s Ponzi scheme.
That is why so many people will do desperate things to pay for it.
And it often causes tons of family strife.
Case in point…
Redditor throwaway-37463782 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to pay from my gay son’s tuition after he came out to his family?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (40 F[emale]) son (19 M[ale]) came out to my husband (40 M[ale]) and I when he was 14 years old.”
“My husband and I are both atheists and support the LGBTQ+ community and were both proud of our son for coming out.”
“However, my husband’s mother is a devout catholic and is extremely intolerant of gay people.”
“She is wealthy and my children were told from a young age their college would be paid for as long as they attended a private Christian or Catholic school.”
“She believes this will keep them from partying, having premarital sex, etc.”
“I don’t agree with this and have argued my children getting the best education possible regardless of the school’s religious affiliation should be her top priority.”
“But she refuses to change her mind.”
“My son chose a Christian college one state over to attend.”
“He graduated with a lot of college credit from taking many AP classes in high school and will be done in three years opposed to four.”
“He’s currently just began year two which has been already paid for.”
“During Labor Day weekend, he came home to celebrate his grandma’s birthday.”
“He told one of his cousins that he was talking to a boy at his college, and thought he could trust him.”
“He seemed supportive according to my son.”
“But he told his mom and dad and my husband’s sister and her husband are just are religious as my mother in law and outted my son to her.”
“She is livid and called me and informed me she will not be making any future payments toward his tuition and told me to relay the message to him as she will no longer be speaking to him.”
“I have told him many times not to come out to his grandma, cousins, aunt or uncle until he was through with college.”
“I hate that he can’t be himself, but my husband and I cannot afford his college.”
“I don’t like my mother in law and will be going no contact once my other two children (15 F and 13 M) get their chance to have their tuition paid for as well.”
“My son is okay with me waiting to do so for the sake of his siblings.”
“He will unfortunately have to take out student loans and eat the cost of his final year.”
“My son is obviously devastated he both will not have his final year of college paid for next year and that his cousin is not someone he can trust.”
“He now wants me and my husband to foot the bill next year.”
“We have $25k saved up currently that we plan on using for much needed kitchen renovations.”
“Our oven barely works, our dishwasher doesn’t work at all, and the kitchen itself is worn down and outdated.”
“My son is calling me an a**hole for prioritizing to a ‘remodel’ over his education.”
“We’ve explained to him our kitchen is falling apart and it’s much needed and is nowhere near the cost of his tuition.”
“So even if we postponed it, we would still be short as his private school is VERY expensive.”
“I feel like he is an adult and he needs to be the one to deal with the consequences, not us.”
“AITA for not using our family’s savings to cover his remaining tuition?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA. Not because you can’t afford it and letting your adult son figure it out… but for saying it was his fault he lost his money.”
“In this entire post you are more angry and disappointed in your son instead of your bigot parents.”
“You are more angry at your child than at the little tattle-tale who vomited homophobia at the first chance they got.”
“Trying to hide yourself is so fucking hard, and you expected your son to not have any public relationships for years and years???”
“You say ‘I hate that he has to hide himself’ but the moment he tripped up, you said, ‘Well sucks to be you, now f**k off.'”
“You’re not as accepting as you seem.” ~ Tis-but-a-scratch-yo
“OP is an AH, just not for her original question, which isn’t an accurate representation of the situation anyway.”
“OP claims- even in the title of her post- that her son came out to his family like he came home and announced it over Sunday dinner while grandma hyperventilated into the mashed potatoes.”
“Her son was forcibly outed by someone he obviously considered a friend.”
“This ‘friend’ told the rest of his immediate family something he’d been told in confidence and those AHs decided to share it with OP’s son’s immediate family.”
“This is not the son’s fault.”
“That doesn’t mean OP is responsible for his tuition, or should give up her renovation for it.”
“But she certainly is an AH for blaming him for this situation and deserves to be called out on it.”
“She’s clearly not as accepting of her son as she claims. YTA OP.” ~ InvisiblePlants
“OP is framing it as though telling his cousin- someone he trusted enough to come out to- is analogous to telling the grandmother.”
“It’s not, it’s a very different situation, and using the technicality of ‘a cousin is also family’ doesn’t change that.”
“It’s about levels of trust.”
“Replace all the players here with another set of relations and it doesn’t change that OP is an AH for blaming son.”
“Imagine coming out to a ‘friend’ who happens to work in the same company and being outed to a homophobic executive and getting fired/losing a promotion or raise because of it.”
“You go to your manager and they say; ‘Well, this is your fault.'”
“‘You knew X worked here and that info could have gotten back to the board somehow.'”
“‘You were putting your promotion/raise/career at risk.'”
“Son had no reason to think his cousin would go running to the family.”
“He wouldn’t have come out to him if he did.”
“That is not a risk you take.”
“Blaming him is cruel at this point, the kid probably blames himself enough when he shouldn’t!”
“He needs emotional support from his parents.”
“And OP is pushing him away with this wall of blame that she’s erected because she can’t face the fact that she has failed her kids when it comes to dealing with her MIL.”
“She’s sold out her own beliefs for her MIL’s money.”
“And that is a valid choice- university is expensive AF and I don’t begrudge her that.”
“But it’s one you have to live with and stand behind, not blame others for.” ~ InvisiblePlants
“Son and parents are NTA.”
“Grandma and homophobic relatives are the A-holes.”
“Parents should help son develop a plan for continuing his college education: work study, loans, take a break from to earn money or develop independence for loans.”
“Reaching out to the school or transferring to another institution.” ~ AgeLower1081
“Let him take out the loan, you remodel the kitchen with your savings and then help him with the loan repayments over the next few years.”
“If you managed to save 25k you can probably do it again.” ~ adchris1171
“I also think that them wanting to invest their 25k into their home, which in itself is an investment, ultimately benefits the son in the long run anyways.”
“If you don’t spend money updating and replacing things in your home, you won’t get as good of a return on it later.”
‘And since we can presume that OP and her husband will leave their assets to their kids when they move on, sticking to their initial plan on their investment ultimately benefits his entire family.”
“And I’m sure she understands to an extent his need/want to come out to everyone, including his closest cousin, and she seems to be pretty supportive and open.”
“He was, unfortunately, naive to tell ANYONE on that side of the family, because there was obviously a lot at risk if it got back to grandma.”
“And what a perfect F you to bigot grandma to let her pay for an ENTIRE expensive private education and THEN come out and let her cut you off.”
“I’m sure that what OP wanted for her child, but unfortunately it’s like this.”
“You should never conditionally count on money from someone like that terrible woman.”
“People like her love to manipulate and control people with their money and it’s sick.”
“The whole system sucks but OP is NTA here.” ~ National_Ferret_592
OP came back with some deets…
“EDIT: I feel like I should clear up the kitchen remodel.”
“Obviously appliances alone aren’t going to cost me $25k.”
“The majority of money are going to be going to necessary infrastructure repairs.”
“I live in an expensive area, and yes, this is what it costs to fix just the necessities.”
“My kitchen will in no way be fancy.”
“I should have been more clear in the original post that I am not doing remodel for aesthetics.”
Well OP, Reddit seems to take issue with your decisions.
It’s unfortunate you’re all having to go through this.
Maybe it’s time to free yourself from your MIL.
Good luck.