Every family has its problems, and that can really affect the holidays and other special occasions.
But family shouldn’t be forced together for the sake of nice pictures, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Throw1987__ reached out to her older son, expecting him to set aside differences for his wedding.
When their conversation resulted in an ultimatum, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was in the wrong.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for backing out of attending my son’s wedding because his brother isn’t invited?”
The OP insisted her sons were happy siblings.
“I have 2 sons Isaiah (22) and Daniel (24).”
“They had a great childhood together save for typical sibling disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary. They grew up in a big family with loving grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins on both sides.”
“However, as they entered their teenage years, they started resenting each other for outside reasons, because there were no issues at home.”
Something bad happened that ruined their relationship.
“Daniel was seeing a young lady when he was 20. She was his high school sweetheart, even after school, and he planned to get engaged to her.”
“But it never happened, because Isaiah lied to her about Daniel stealing from her parents, and she and her parents believed him.”
“It turned out Isaiah was the one who stole jewelry from Daniel’s ex-girlfriend’s parents’ house and pinned it to Daniel.”
“As a result, her parents filed a police report and Daniel suffered from the lie Isaiah told.”
“[Isaiah did this] to get back at Daniel for selling the bike that originally belonged to Daniel.”
The family was impacted by this.
“They were both legally adults when this happened, and we were told to stay out of their conflict, but we couldn’t help but get caught up in the middle.”
“Eventually, the boys stopped seeing or talking to each other.”
“Daniel lives in a rental apartment while Isaiah is still in college.”
“Both boys are in contact with me and the family.”
Daniel was getting married.
“Daniel is getting married this month. He sent me, his dad, and everyone else in the family an invitation except for Isaiah.”
“I called Daniel to ask, since I assumed he probably didn’t send Isaiah an invitation, but expected him to accompany me and my husband.”
“He told me no, he intended to not invite his brother because he doesn’t want him at his wedding.”
“I felt heavy because Isaiah already apologized and sought forgiveness and gave Daniel time and space to reconcile, but Daniel kept ignoring him, saying he wanted nothing to do with him.”
The OP told her son her feelings.
“I explained how I felt he was being too harsh on his brother and he told me to not pressure him about it and respect his decision.”
“I didn’t pressure him but informed him that, since Isaiah isn’t invited, then I’m not coming to the wedding.”
“Daniel threw a fit about how I was trying to corner him into inviting Isaiah.”
“But I replied that I wasn’t, I wasn’t trying to pressure him, or trying to change his mind, I was just letting him know.”
Daniel did not take this well.
“He lashed out, calling me unbelievable for making his wedding about Isaiah and not respecting his wishes.”
“He added that I was selfish for putting Isaiah’s feelings over his and on his wedding no less.”
“We argued, and then he hung up after telling me if I don’t attend, then he’ll never speak to me again.”
“We haven’t talked since then and my husband agrees that Daniel is the one complicating things.”
“He said he is not being graceful towards his brother, who wants to share his happy day with him.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP needed to check her priorities.
“So one son tried to ruin the other son’s life with multiple lies and you are pissed he wasn’t invited to a wedding. YTA.” – PaintedLady5519
“Did Isaiah go to the police and admit he was the one who took the jewelry?”
“Apologies are useless without real amends. In order to fully mend the break, Isaiah can own the theft, tell the soon-to-be in-laws, and have Daniel’s record cleared.”
“If he has not done that, OP, then no, he deserves no seat at that wedding.”
“YTA” – marshmallow_spencer
“I find it interesting that OP states the issue started ‘for outside reasons because there were no issues at home.’ The kids have never had a good relationship if this is the way it has devolved, OP just didn’t want to see it as a problem that needed addressing.”
“There is no way Isaiah blamed a criminal offense on his brother without some serious malice behind the accusation. He could have accused someone else if he was that dedicated to thieving, and he chooses his brother? Why?” – wth_dude
Others said the OP was willingly sabotaging her relationship with Daniel.
“OP, it’s as simple as it gets. You and your husband should stay out of their relationship.”
“Just know this, OP, you are jeopardizing any chance of a relationship you could have with grandchildren if Daniel ends up having children.”
“He won’t forget that you sided with his brother who tried to ruin his life but you insisted on having a relationship that Daniel simply could not do.”
“YTA, OP.” – hdmx539
“By all accounts, did ruin his life (at the time), his fiancee broke up with him, and he got a criminal record (I’m assuming as it was reported).”
“These lies and the actual theft indicate a level of spite that I wouldn’t want to be close to. I mean my brother and I don’t always get along, but he would never do these things to me.”
“YTA, for making it about your other son. You’re effectively choosing him over Daniel. Jesus how can’t you see that?” – kiwichick286
“The right thing for Daniel to do would be to cut off OP for this. OP has shown they won’t hold Isaiah responsible for his actions – so Daniel shouldn’t risk hurting his new family with them.” – merme
“That involved the police! And against his other fiancé! This isn’t some little spat, OP, this is serious.”
“It blew up his brother’s entire life and what were the consequences for Isaiah? Let me guess, none.”
“I have grown sons and you have waaaay overstepped here.”
“You’ll end up losing Daniel and his family and it will be your fault. They were right, they are adults and as such, they get to do their lives how they want and you have no say, you should have stayed out of it.”
“You say Isaiah was an adult when the event happened, so he knew better. But you conveniently left out why Isaiah would do that to his brother. And what his consequences were. I think on purpose, because the reason must be awful too.”
“If I was your older son I’d just uninvite you and write you out of my life. How dare you make this an ultimatum? You have damaged your relationship with him and I doubt it will ever come back because I wouldn’t forgive you.”
“Has Isaiah always been your favorite? Because you excuse his actions very quickly and blame his brother without understanding him at all. Why is that?”
“Why isn’t Isaiah the bad guy here and instead Daniel is the scapegoat? Why isn’t this a case of Isaiah getting the consequences for his behavior? This wasn’t a brother stealing a video game from another.”
“You better look deep inside both yourself and your husband and figure out why you think you have the right to do this to Daniel and, if you even care, you need to go to him and grovel. You are so, so wrong. YTA.” – CJSinTX
The OP thought she was right to demand this of her son, Daniel, and seemed blindsided for him to threaten to not speak to her again, but the subReddit completely understood his reasoning. No matter how she chooses to spin this, there was a wedding ultimatum here, and it won’t lead to a happy ending.