Financial support from parents is a luxury, but is never a guarantee.
Some parents are more than willing to help their kids out until they have their feet firmly planted on the ground.
Others are of the mind that children need to learn to be self-sufficient, and the sooner they learn this, the better.
The parents of Redditor Throwaway3568476985 were very much in the latter category.
Thankfully, the original poster (OP) was easily able to find herself in a place of financial independence at a relatively young age.
The OP was less than thrilled, however, when her parents requested she help her brother out financially when an exciting opportunity was sent his way.
She was even less happy to learn that her parents revealed they were able and willing to help her brother out.
Wondering if her frustrations were justified, the OP took to the subReddiit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA My parents are forcing me to pay for my brothers grad school using money they never told me about?"
The OP explained why she found herself in a fairly tense financial dispute with her family:
"I've (30 F[emale]) been financially independent since graduating college."
"I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home."
"I didn't apply to grad school because I couldn't afford it, and my parents made it pretty clear growing up that we needed to stand on our own after high school."
"My brother (22 M[ale]) is honestly a genius."
"He worked really hard in school, got a full academic ride to a great state school, and graduated with honors."
"I'm so, so proud of him."
"The problem now is he recently got into an extremely prestigious grad program that would open a lot of doors for him."
"He was hoping for scholarships or a paid internship to cover most of it, but it's not enough."
"Now he's facing tuition and housing costs in one of the most expensive cities in the country."
"My parents asked if I could help out and suggested I contribute around $15,000 to get him through the first year."
"They'd match it, and he'd take loans for the rest."
"I said no."
"I've been working for over a decade on my own goals, and I'm just now starting to save for a house."
"I don't feel comfortable putting that on hold, especially when I had to turn down opportunities because there was no help available to me."
"During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they'd be using my 'other fund' to help him instead."
"I asked what she meant, and she said they had set aside about $25,000 for me back when I was in college, meant to be used for a future wedding."
"I was completely blindsided."
"I had no idea this fund existed."
"I asked why I wasn't told about it when I was considering grad school, or now while I'm saving for a home."
"She said it was always intended for a wedding, not school or property, and since I haven't needed it (I'm not engaged or in a relationship), they decided to give it to my brother because he has a more immediate need."
"I'm not going to lie, I was pissed."
"I never got a chance to make a case for how I could've used that money, and now it's just being handed over to someone else."
"I told them I felt hurt and left out."
"My mom said I was being unfair, and that the money was never promised, and if I didn't want it for a wedding, then it made sense to use it for something meaningful."
"My brother told me he didn't know about the wedding fund either, and he understands why I'd be upset, but said he didn't ask for it."
"He just wants to go to school and thought we were all trying to support each other."
"I know my brother worked hard and isn't trying to take anything from me."
"But I can't help feeling like my parents are punishing me for being practical."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for not paying for her brother's tuition, or for being angry about her parents withholding money intended for her.
Everyone agreed that it was borderline cruel for the OP's parents to even tell her that money existed, and agreed that if the OP had to work for everything she accomplished in her life, her brother should need to do the same:
"NTA."
"Those are really sexist expectations."
"If they wanted to financially support you they could give you the choice of using the funds for education, or travel, a home or a wedding (that's what I've done with my daughters, who I've been saving for since they were born)."
"But, despite it being an AH move, it is their choice how they spend their money."
"And it is presumably still their money, rather than an account in your name."
"So in practice the AH element was telling you that it was your money in the same move that they snatched it away from you again (though it was really the sexism that underpinned that decision, which has clearly been their all along)."-mavenmim
"NTA."
"But I don't believe there is a 'hidden' fund."
"I think mom just wanted to hurt your feelings because you weren't acquiescing to her demands, and made it up."- CrankyWife
"NTA."
"But your mom meant to hurt you with that statement."
"Probably to get you to feel bad and give what they want."
"Your parents are AHs for ever telling you about it."- Vast_Responsibility6
"NTA."
"Call them out on their sexism, ideally as uncomfortably as possible."
"'So if I were a boy this would have been my grad school fund, but because I wasn't born with a penis dangling between my legs, it was designated as my "get hitched so I can become barefoot and pregnant fund", am I understanding that correctly?'"- Tommsey
"NTA."
"Your parents are completely sexist."
"It was ok to save for your wedding but not your education."
"It is ok to give to your brother for his education but it seems he does not have a wedding fund."
"Mum and dad are a**holes."- Individual_Metal_983
"NTA."
"Why did they even bother to tell you?"
"It sounds like your mom was just trying to piss you off."- Maximum-Row-4143
"'I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home'."
"You left the nest, put yourself through school, and are in the process of building a life."
"All your hard work is paying off."
"You should be proud to be able to work towards your own home, by yourself."
"'During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they'd be using my "other fund" to help him instead'."
"It's unfortunate your mother resorted to punishing you for your non-compliance."
"She could have continued to keep the hidden cache secret, but she chose to briefly dangle that carrot to say what you could have had, then pulled it away."
"It was an act of pettiness, which got her the emotional reaction out of you she wanted."
"But here's the thing: you don't need it, and you never did."
"As an adult, you made your own path and are successful regardless of your family's financial position."
"You put in all the work to educate yourself, and now you're well on your way to realizing your personal goals of home ownership."
"If at some point you decide to marry, you will be able to do that from the proceeds of your own success as well."
"So don't succumb to your mother's efforts to guilt you."
"You're better than that."
"NTA."- EmploymentLanky9544
"NTA."
"Your mom meant to hurt you with mentioning the fund to get you to comply."
"Let them use it."
"It's not your money and likely would only be used to control you if you were to get married."
"It seems like they are attaching strings to the money and likely would attempt to hold it over your head."
"Don't want to pay for bros college, fine we'll use your wedding fund."
"Don't want to pay for their care in old age, fine we'll use your wedding fund."
"Don't want to marry the person they want, fine we'll use the wedding fund for something else."
"Don't want to invite the people they want to the wedding, fine no money."- NocensDomina
It would be a nice surprise to learn that your parents had been secretly saving money for you.
A less pleasant surprise is having them reveal this to you, only to discover they are using it on someone else.
One can't help but wonder why the OP's parents thought it was a good idea to tell the OP this money even existed, unless they wanted to make her feel bad about herself?
Based on their behavior, that's sadly a possibility that can't be ruled out entirely.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp