It’s tough when families don’t get along, especially around the holidays.
But it’s especially difficult when the couple doesn’t stand by each other, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor richnfamous353 didn’t feel supported by her husband when he decided to go on a family vacation, even though she wasn’t invited.
But when she was called petty for how she reacted, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was in the wrong.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not packing my husband’s bags so he could go spend Christmas with his family without me?”
The OP didn’t get along well at the Christmas dinner the previous year.
“I (30 [female]) have been with my husband Ted (34 [male]) for 4 years and we got married 2 years ago.”
“His family and I haven’t really gotten along too well. They’re rich and are all about image. I only see them on occasions but that’s when the drama is at its highest rate.”
“Last Christmas Ted I traveled to spend Christmas with them and it was awkward for some reason.”
“After we went back to the hotel, his mom sent me a list of all the things I’ve done wrong at her house, like bringing the wrong types of desserts and wearing ‘inappropriate’ clothes (um, I wore a blouse and leather jacket) and not standing up when guests arrived.”
Her husband’s in-laws decided to do something about that this Christmas.
“This year my mother inlaw only sent an invitation to Ted to spend Christmas with family.”
“He told me his mom didn’t invite me because of my last year’s ‘negative points’ and would rather have just him there this year.”
“I was flabbergasted. I asked if he was actually considering going after his mom excluded me and he shrugged and said yes because he never spent Christmas away from family his entire life and isn’t ‘about to break the cycle now.'”
“He suggested I go out, invite Regina (my best friend) over, or just plan my own celebration and said, ‘But nothing too crazy, capeesh?'”
“I was upset but hey!, if they don’t want me, then I shouldn’t force it and tried to not feel hurt and offended.”
The OP’s husband accused her of acting petty.
“Yesterday Ted came home asking if his bags were ready since it was time to go.”
“I said I don’t know and he was stunned.”
“He freaked out, saying I knew he was going to travel to his hometown and I should’ve packed his bags like I always do.”
“I admit that packing his bags is what I do but ONLY WHEN WE’RE TRAVELING TOGETHER, and I figured since he was traveling on his own, then he should pack them himself.”
“He lost it, saying I just caused him to be late and ruined all the (flight/hotel/other reservations) arrangements he had just because I was being bitter because I wasn’t invited to Christmas celebration with his family.”
“We had a heated argument and he said, ‘Look, you’re really overreacting right now because it’s not like I’m going away on a vacation to another country to spend time with some strippers and whatnot. Though I’m pretty certain you wouldn’t be half as p**sed and agitated as you are now.'”
“He continued, ‘I’m just going to spend time with my family and quite frankly, I don’t know what it is with you anymore.'”
“Then he proceeded to call me petty and say I got him in trouble and ‘punished’ him by not packing his bags for him, knowing he was going to travel.”
“He packed his bags in a rush and ended up forgetting most of the gifts he got for his family. He’s now not speaking to me.”
The OP also added a few details she found out during the trip.
“I found out that it’s not just my mother-in-law but father-in-law and Ted’s brothers figured it would be best that I don’t attend their Christmas and instead go to my own family, claiming they were giving me the options to decide.”
“Also they claimed they don’t want to force me to be with them, since we have some tension between us.”
“Ted said this is all temporary until his family and I get used to and adapt with each other.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes here
Some recommended ending the relationship during the holidays.
“NTA – change the locks while he is at his parents and hire a divorce lawyer is what I would do if my wife did what your husband did.” – TheAxe11
“Maybe she can send him divorce papers along with his own list of ‘negative points.'”
“- grown man unable to pack his own bags”
“- refusal to defend wife from overbearing family”
“- actually agrees to ridiculous invitation to spend holidays apart” – mer-shark
“For me, it’s the fact that he’s always spent Christmas with family so he’s not going to ‘break that cycle.’ Does he not know that’s what happens when you grow up?” – fidelises
“If OP doesn’t divorce him, she’s being an a**hole to herself. I don’t see how this marriage can work.”
“Even if they got counseling, OP’s husband isn’t ready to see that his nuclear family is now his wife, not his mother. He’s had four years to adjust to being a husband and he’s just not getting it.”
“Throwing a tantrum because his wife didn’t pack his bag is the cherry on the top of this s**t show.” – PaddyCow
Some questioned the in-laws’ behavior on all counts.
“I think what amazes me is that the family just needs time to ‘adapt’ to each other… after four years.”
“What are you adapting to, besides their atrocious manners…? Definitely NTA, and ridiculous at that.” – DaelinB
“I was so confused by these ‘transgressions.’ What is the ‘wrong dessert’? If it’s got sugar it’s a good dessert.” – OkCaterpillar7770
“Etiquette is knowing which spoon to use. Manners is knowing to not point it out if someone else doesn’t.”
“These people may have all the etiquette in the world but they don’t have any manners or class.” – Fantastic_Gene_6791
“Miss Manners would have some very carefully chosen words for his family. The number one rule of etiquette is you make your guest feel welcome and comfortable, even if their custom is different from your own.”
“Sending a bullet list of all their ‘mistakes’ is the worst manners in this story.” – emmster
While the OP’s husband called her petty, the subReddit thought the pettiness was with the husband and his family. It was wrong to not invite a whole couple to a family Christmas celebration, and to also expect a woman to pack a bag for a grown man just seems ridiculous.