A woman had certain expectations regarding her respective plans with her best friend.
But when things didn’t go as she had hoped, she expressed her concern which resulted in their mutual friends turning on her.
Conflicted about her situation, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Alternative_Scar5530 asked:
“AITA for refusing to help my best friend with her wedding because she didn’t make me a bridesmaid?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My best friend [24 F[female]], we’ll call her May, and I [24 F[female]] have been close since middle school. We’ve talked about being in each other’s weddings, so when she got engaged last year, I assumed I’d be a bridesmaid.”
“She recently asked me to help with the wedding planning, but when she showed me the list for her bridal party, I wasn’t on the list. I asked why, and she got awkward and said she had to make some choices.”
“The party included her sister, her fiancés sister, and a few newer friends she’s known for a couple of years. She wanted a small party.”
The OP continued:
“I didn’t want to make it a big deal though. I congratulated her and figured I’d still be a guest. But then she started asking me for a lot of help, things like dress shopping, DIY decorations, venue hunting, making party favors, etc etc..”
“I finally told her, ‘Hey, I love you, but I feel weird doing all of this when I’m not even a bridesmaid.’ She got angry and said that she thought I’d still want to be involved because we’re best friends. I told her I’d still be at the wedding, but I wasn’t gonna do all of this extra work when she didn’t even consider me close enough to be at her bridal party.”
“Now she and some of our mutual friends are giving me the cold shoulder, saying I’m being petty and making the wedding ‘about me.’ But I’m not gonna be doing bridesmaid-level work if I’m not one. AITA???”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. She wants free labor from you. She’s trying to enlist your help because her bridesmaids probably have either already said no (even though that’s their job) or because she doesn’t want to burden them with the menial tasks she wants to dump on you.”
“That she got angry when you stood up for yourselves speaks volumes. Good on you for not letting her use you.” – IamIrene
“It’s hard to get over the feeling of being ‘replaced’ by new and fresh friends. But friendships fluctuate. It is very possible that she doesn’t feel you’d mesh that well with her new friends. That makes HER suck, not you.”
“You have every right to step back from having to do all her bidding. And if anybody says anything to you about it, just remind them that there are several others in her wedding party that should support the bride.”
“When my sister married my brother-in-law, I was excluded from the wedding party. She referred to me as her personal attendant, which was her way of getting me to do all the work but not be included in the wedding itself.”
“I figured at the very least I’d be named in the wedding program. Nope. Nothing. I did all the running, babysat her kids during the whole ceremony, helped decorate and clean up, and even took her kids while she went on her honeymoon. When the pictures were taken, she created her wedding album from her favorites. I wasn’t in a single one. It was then that I realized we just weren’t very close.”
“I was very bothered by it, I’ll admit. But when I got married, I excluded her from my wedding party. Of course, I married at city hall, so it wasn’t that blatant. However, I was conversing with my sister and cousin one time about ten years ago during cousin’s bridal shower.”
“She asked about my sister’s wedding, and I just answered, ‘Oh, no. We’re not very close at all.’ My sister’s mouth dropped open (I have only one sister). ‘Yes, we are!’ I turned and looked at her, ‘Um, no. If life gives me hardships, you’d be the last person I’d look to for a shoulder. You don’t even know who I am.’ “
“Since then, she’s changed. She’s worked HARD for it, too. We now go on vacations every year, and we call each other regularly.” – CarmenDeeJay
“NTA. She chose her new friends over you. If the bridal party were strictly family, it would be one thing, but she wants you to do all the work for her without actually being a part of the gown shopping and hair and make up. That is extremely hurtful and would make me rethink the friendship and even attending the wedding.” – 1000thatbeyotch
“NTA – she doesn’t consider you close by not making you bridal party and just wants you for free labor, that’s not a best friend. I would reconsider your entire relationship with this person and maybe find a new best friend.”
“The whole I thought you would help out because we are best friends thing is just straight up manipulative. If you were her best friend, you would MoH.” – UnfortunateDaring
“NTA…You’re supposed to keep these tasks in mind when you choose your bridesmaids. If she chose people she can’t count on, that’s her problem. Those who think you’re being petty are free to offer their own assistance. “ – RoyallyOakie
“NTA. It would be one thing if she chose her sister and fiancé’s sister as her only bridesmaids, but to add other friends and leave you out? She was telling you what she felt about your friendship. She’s ballsy for asking for your help. I get not wanting to have a big bridal party but it sounds like she has four people, five is not too many.” – LLD615
“NTA at all. The stuff she is listing is stuff that a bridal party or wedding coordinator does. You do not ask guests to do this.”
“A ‘Best friend’ doesn’t treat you that way. Here’s how a real friend does.”
“My very close friend is Mormon. I knew this meant I could not attend the ceremony since it was in the temple, and I am not Mormon. However, I didn’t know that the rehearsal dinner the night before was actually the big reception, and THAT was what I needed to dress up for!”
“I showed up at the dinner in jeans and a T shirt, expecting all the festivities to be the next day. I was completely mortified when I saw that everyone else was dressed up, but there was no time to go back to the hotel and change. As such, I retreated into the kitchen area and helped with food prep and setup.”
“When she found out, she hauled me out of the kitchen and had me sit at the head table with her. She didn’t care what I had on – she just wanted me to be there with her!” – thechaoticstorm
“NTA. All of the friends that expected to use you up so they didn’t have to do it are mad. Let them. Your best friend just let you know that YOU believe she is your best friend, while she does not believe you are her best friend. Those are the facts. And, yes, you only help out someone that deserves your help, and she does not.”
“She can lean on the small group of people she chose to stand with her at her wedding. They earned that privilege and they should put the work in. You are exactly right to just be a guest, which is what she showed you that you are by not having you stand with her as a bridesmaid. They are just mad because they thought they were going to get you to go along with it. And, why doesn’t the bridesmaids want to do those things with her anyway? That is super weird.”
“Do not get involved with these people and just be a guest. And be prepared for you to have to contribute financially, which is probably another reason why she wants you involved, so she can have these heart-to-hearts with you for your money. Don’t fall for it. Bring a gift to the wedding and enjoy being a guest. Let them worry about everything else.” – Lucky_Log2212
“NTA Guests don’t organize the wedding. The couple, supported by the bridal party, organise the wedding. Unless they are paying for wedding planning services. Assuming you’ve not agreed a fee, your only job as a guest is to turn up on the day.”
“It sounds like you are her ‘best friend’ in name only and, I suspect, only when she wants something from you. She went on the defence at the very slightest hint of being called out on that and trash-talked you to other people to shift the focus.”
“That says a lot about her and about the value she places on your relationship. It’s sad that it’s come to light like this, though I suspect there have been prior hints, over her wedding. But you’ve been reasonable, and I don’t believe she has.” – Pootles_Carrot
Overall, Redditors thought her refusal to provide her services the way a bridesmaid would but without being designated as such was warranted.
They also thought the so-called “best friend” was rude for the way she treated the OP and allowing her new friends to throw the OP some very undeserving shade.