There’s this general assumption out in the world that if a couple breaks up, all of the connected relationships will dissolve with the breakup. Family members will no longer speak to the ex-partner, and even friendships will be questioned if they try to exist beyond the breakup.
But sometimes the external relationships developed during the romantic one were so positive, they’re meant to stand the test of time even when the romantic one is not, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor GalDadDo was in one of those situations, where it came naturally for him to maintain positive relationships with his ex-wife’s family members even after the divorce.
But when she married another man, and she accused him of “disrepecting” her new husband, the Original Poster (OP) questioned why maintaining those positive relationships was such a bad thing.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for ‘disrespecting’ my ex-wife’s new husband with the crime of getting along with my former in-laws?”
The OP and his ex-wife went through a very messy and long divorce.
“My ex-wife (34 Female) and I (36 Male) divorced four years ago after a two-and-a-half-year-long divorce.”
“We split physical and legal custody of our children (ages 11, 9, and 6).”
“Things are not civil, and as you can tell, our divorce process started during her pregnancy with our youngest.”
“I won’t go into all the details, but we divorced after a large financial betrayal on top of years of both of us feeling like there was little respect for the other. The divorce was not civil, and it dragged on for as long as it did, not because of the pregnancy alone, but for financial reasons.”
“My ex-wife was dating her current husband by the end of our divorce, and it was an awkward period.”
The OP maintained a positive relationship with his ex-wife’s family.
“My ex-wife’s family and I remain on good terms, which bothers her husband and always did.”
“Because my ex doesn’t want to take the kids shopping for my birthday or Father’s Day when asked, her parents have, and that bothers him, because they don’t do the same for him.”
“I do it for my ex-wife because the kids ask. I include Christmas gifts in that because, again, I’m asked, and I want to be respectful. Her husband doesn’t like it, but he sure as hell never has.”
The OP’s ex-wife’s new husband began to accuse him of “disrespecting” him.
“The most recent issue came up when my kids asked to have me for Father-and-Child photos that my ex-wife’s family was organizing. They invited me, and I went and took the photos with my kids.”
“My ex-wife’s family and I talked for a while, and I left the event earl,y but it pissed him off that I talked to my ex-wife’s family at all and didn’t leave as soon as the photos were done.”
“But what really bothered him was that I was invited instead of them having him stand in solely for the dad photos; he doesn’t want me in ‘the picture’ at all.”
“The kids didn’t get photos with him that day, which may have created more problems.”
“But ultimately, he complains that I disrespected him by getting, along with his wife’s family (his words), and she’s got his back, because she thinks it’s unfair her family doesn’t hate me like she does, because she didn’t get everything she wanted in the divorce.”
“She has talked to her famliy more than once about remaining nice to me, and she gives me s**t when they tell her they will not stop being friendly with me. I get even more sh*t when they remind her that I will always be the father of our children and that the kids’ choices and happiness should come first.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some believed it was better for the OP to maintain that positive relationship for his kids’ sake.
“This is actual parenting. Kids remember who made their life easier vs who made it harder. Sounds like you’re on the right side of that line. NTA.” – mistymuffliin
“You’re handling this with maturity and putting your kids first, which is exactly what they need. His insecurity is his to manage, not yours. Keep being the steady parent they can count on.” – Intrigued_Mind853
“Your ex and especially her husband need to learn that respect is earned, not given. You have earned the respect because you do right by the kids. Keep doing that and let them cry a river.” – LoloColdMedina
“It’s really weird that, as their mother, you state facts and she gets mad at you. You would think that, as their mother, she would want what’s best for her children.”
“I can’t believe that she’s giving you s**t because your children’s grandparents have a good relationship with you. Most people would be glad for that. You read so many stories of people not getting along with their in-laws. I think it’s great that even though you’re her ex, you still get along great with them.”
“Adults need to learn to put their feelings aside and do what’s best for their children. Sure, they’re allowed to have those feelings, but they’re not allowed to let them get in the way of the well-being of their children.”
“Deal with those feelings in private, don’t do it in front of your children, or to the extent that it is going to negatively affect your children. Far too many people haven’t learned this.” – Zestyclose-Crow-4595
“Focus on your kids’ needs, and keep ignoring your ex’s husband.”
“He’s the one being disrespectful by trying to control other people’s lives. And throwing tantrums isn’t going to make your ex-in-laws accept him anytime soon.”
“You don’t owe him any loyalty or respect. NTA.” – _A-Q
Others were concerned about the relationship the kids were likely developing with their mom and stepdad due to all the drama.
“Honestly, if she keeps feeding his insecurities, this will only lead to bad relationships between the kids and him, and for that alone, I’m sorry for your kids.”
“On a different note, thank you for putting any past issues with your ex aside and still putting your kids’ needs/wants first. The shopping for holidays, even for gifts for her. It does make your household feel safer usually, which is so beneficial for them to have that safe space.” – Ready-Conflict-1887
“OP should remind his ex of the impact their conversations were likely having on their children, because there will come a point where the kids will be old enough to decide where they want to live full-time.”
“And if ex and her new hubby’s pettiness continues unchecked, my guess is they’ll end up with an empty house and zero kids.” – Aggravating-Sock6502
“From everything described, his insecurities/feelings on the situation were created by her from the beginning & fuelled ever since. He was stupid to get involved with her to begin with, as he got to see who she really is from the start.”
“By staying, he set himself up for a life of misery with her. There was no way he could have a good relationship with the kids or in-laws because she used him to not only validate her bad feelings towards OP, her situation, her family, etc., but turned them into a slight towards him.” – djjmar92
“You just keep being a good dad and let her dig her own grave. Unfortunately, she may be on a path of isolating her own biological family.” – jrm1102
“It used to piss off my uncle sooooo bad that I still called his ex-wife ‘AUNT Sharon’ my entire life. He flipped about it once when I was a teenager, and I pointed out that HE divorced HER and she him. I didn’t divorce her from being MY family.”
“My mom was one of her closest friends, so she’d have been my auntie regardless! Her extended family was equally ‘what the f**k?!’ when her kids had my mom sit with the immediate family at her funeral. A lotta whispers of ‘isn’t that her EX sister-in-law?!'”
“Family is who shows up, in my opinion. I always will choose the people that show up over blood.” – PennsylvaniaDutchess
“Your in-laws are the best and understand how it goes. There is no reason that you or them should dislike each if you don’t want and are there for your children. Just because you divorced her doesn’t mean you divorced extended family as well.”
“My parents divorced over 40 years ago and still retained relationships with the other’s family, even when it didn’t involve us kids. My mom still stays in contact even after my dad passed away.” – thanto13
“She needs to get tf over herself. You don’t stop existing just because she’s married someone else. You’ll always be your kids’ dad and the father of your ex-in-laws’ grandkids/niblings.”
“Keep doing what you’re doing and showing up for your kids and having good relationships with their extended family. Your ex and her new husband are adults and should be able to manage their expectations and disappointment better.” – perpetuallyxhausted
Though it’s somewhat unusual for these relationships to last and remain healthy after a divorce, and a messy one at that, the subreddit applauded the OP for putting his kids’ needs first and maintaining those relationships so they could have a positive, healthy, and happy childhood.
Hopefully, his ex-wife and her new husband would take a page from his book.
Otherwise, they might find themselves with less-than-stellar relationships, not just with their family for trying to push the OP away, but with their children, who they really should be putting first.