Figuring out how the day-to-day of life goes immediately following childbirth can be an uphill battle.
Some births are more difficult than others.
So that may require more rest for the mom.
But birth doesn't mean the other aspects of life stop, especially when older kids are involved.
Navigating the new normal is sometimes tricky.
Redditor Throwawayquiter wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to take care of my children?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (26 F[emale]) gave birth to my second child two days ago (it was a beautiful home birth, so I was never discharged from the hospital)."
"With my first and this pregnancy, I made it clear to my husband that I wanted to follow the 5-5-5 rule."
"He seemed to drag his feet, but because he wanted kids more than I did he agreed"
"I STILL LOVE MY KIDS DEARLY AND WOULDN'T NOT HAVE THEM NOW... I just didn't want to go through pregnancy."
"First five days 'In bed.'"
"Nothing but skin-to-skin with my daughter, breastfeeding, and resting."
"Next five days 'on bed.'"
"Sitting up, still breastfeeding, cuddling with baby, doing homework with my son, crossword puzzles etc."
"Next five after that 'around bed.'"
"Still majority resting but doing light chores, folding laundry, diaper changing, just not standing for more than 30 minutes."
"All while still, cuddling with baby, breastfeeding baby, doing homework with my son, and coloring."
"This baby is very colicky and my husband is the one having to get out of bed, walk around with her and sit in the rocking chair, do diapers, and take her and our son on walks to get some sunshine."
"Our son (5) has started acting out at home due to the stress of the new baby and lack of sleep, we've offered him to go to my parents next door and he seems interested."
"We've prepared a month's worth of freezer meals, so for dinner, all he has to do is throw the DISPOSABLE tin in the oven and walk away for a few hours."
"We have more than enough disposable dishwashers."
"We have a Dog he needs to feed and take out on walks with the kids."
"Today, he came to me crying, saying it was all too much and he couldn't do this by himself."
"I reminded him that he agreed to it and I have to go back to work shortly after the 5-5-5 is up, so I need to be as rested and healed as possible so I can better perform tasks at work and then come home and perform tasks as well."
"He begged me to help out with our son, who will not sit still, and help with light cleaning (wiping countertops, gathering clutter into a pile, etc)."
"I again said no, I am entitled to rest, and I will help around the house in eight days."
"I'm not looking for advice on the 5-5-5 method."
"That's not what this post is about."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA... but sitting around in and around the bed will increase your risk of postpartum D[eep] V[ain] T[hrombosis]."
"You need to be moving around regularly (not necessarily doing chores)."
"Make sure you're planning in a little mobility alongside your resting."
"Pregnancy and being postpartum already increases that risk."
"Immobility increases it again." ~ Ok-Educator850
"You are an AH to yourself for having children with this man..."
"Being almost completely in bed for 5 days after giving birth is the bare minimum, you're NTA for wanting this 5-5-5 rule."
"It shouldn't need to be a rule, you should be able to do it because that's how you're feeling, and your 'loving husband' should want you to rest and heal..."
"However, I would be very careful about sending your older child out of the house right now, even if he is close and even if it's with people he knows."
"He's 'acting out' because he's feeling displaced by the baby."
"He needs to be physically and emotionally 'brought closer' to understand his place is still where it has always been, WITH YOU!"
"Instead of sending him to the grandparent's house, can the grandparents come to your house for an hour or two a day to give him extra attention or make sure he gets a healthy dinner or whatever?"
"Keep your elder child close!" ~ OrindaSarnia
"My parents got me a Cabbage Patch doll when my brother was born."
"Mommy had a baby and I had a baby too! I would copy my mom doing all the things she did with the baby minus the breastfeeding."
"My doll had a mouth hole for a bottle and soother."
"My folks said I never got jealous over the new baby because I was so distracted with my own."
"I slept with that doll into adulthood and lost her in a house fire."
"I have yet to find the same one on eBay."
"Anyhoo, OP, maybe try this with your little guy!"
"Teach him to feed his doll and change its diapers."
"Worked with me!" ~ themaggiesuesin
"NTA. But! Unless you're very healthy (under 35, B[ody] M[ass] I[ndex] under 30, have had less than 3 term pregnancies, with no history of smoking/diabetes/varicose veins/Chrones or I[rritable] B[owl] S[syndrome]/prolonged hospitalization/surgical procedures or any family history of non-surgery related DVTS), you'll need to mobilize a little."
"If you get a Deep Vein Thrombosis, have a stroke or a pulmonary embolism, that'll really ruin your maternity leave."
"The blood gets extra sticky during late pregnancy to compensate for and reduce blood loss at birth. If you're genuinely barely moving for 15 days and have any of the above conditions, your risk of having a stroke (as a result of that extra sticky blood not being pushed around your veins from movement and causing clots) is very high."
"Please mobilize." ~ HayWhatsCooking
"At one time after birth, they wouldn't let you get up for 9 hours after giving birth and convalesce for two weeks, but because of what you mentioned above, this was stopped."
"You're now encouraged to get up as soon as you give birth and keep moving around (this is all ages not just above 30 or any preexisting conditions)."
"OP is putting herself at risk." ~ Green-Dragon-14
"NTA. Retired nurse here and just want to offer a 'caution.'"
"5 days in bed after delivery results in a large risk for blood clots and complications even after an uncomplicated delivery (at home or hospital)."
"I understand the need for you to spend time with newborn bonding, getting your milk supply established, and getting needed rest."
"I agree the husband should be prepared to take care of the household duties, including care of your other child, please make sure you do get up and move around."
"And it would be perfectly acceptable to hire a cleaning service for 2-3 times a week if you can afford it."
"Baby clothes pile up quickly, right?" ~ Retired-Onc-Nurse
Some opinions differed...
"There is no reason she can't fold laundry or entertain her son while the husband hears up dinner, and cleans."
"She can read her son a book or 2."
"I'd be embarrassed to tell people I am not getting out of bed for 15 days forcing my husband to do it all."
"Just because he wanted kids doesn't mean he should be doing all the work."
"He didn't force you to get pregnant."
"You obviously consented."
"You are partners."
"Help EACH OTHER out." ~ cul8terbye
"I am a medical doctor, and I'm here to say THIS."
"There is no valid reason for a woman to stay on bed rest if she had a vaginal birth with no complications."
"It's a supremely bad idea, and increases the risk of blood clots, either deep vein thrombosis or a pulmonary embolism."
"Even with a C-section or any sort of surgery, we try to get the patient up and walking, if possible, as soon as possible."
"And if OP had a home birth with no medical care (that includes midwives, they're considered a medical profession in some countries, including mine), I doubt she's on anti-clotting meds (though I hope I'm wrong)."
"I'm gonna give any sort of ruling though I'm leaning towards Y-T-A, but I do want to emphasize how dangerous staying in bed for five days can be." ~ Eleima
"I'm sorry, but what if you had to have a c-section or had other complications that required extended time off...?"
"Your employer sucks in this regard."
"There was plenty of time for them to come up with a plan for coverage, including hiring a temporary person for your maternity leave."
"I get it needing the income I really do."
"When I had my first son, I was in the same boat with no benefits."
"Any time off was completely unpaid."
"We saved some... not much, but some."
"During the 7 weeks I was off we qualified for fuel assistance and such."
"If I had thought about it, I probably would have applied for W[omen], I[nfants], and C[hildren] or even transitional assistance for that time."
"I can't imagine being that idle for so long in bed... I'm gonna go NAH, but both of you should show some compassion and empathy towards each other during this time when you're both struggling so much."
"These next couple of months will be terribly difficult, especially if neither is taking any parental leave... which brings up, who'll watch the baby?"
"Daycares don't normally take an infant under eight weeks old."
"Congrats on the new baby!" ~ Eyydis
"Husband insists on having another child, then complains when it's hard to look after a newborn and other child."
"He knew what he was getting into."
"He agreed to it."
"As long as none of the children are in imminent danger, NTA." ~ mdthomas
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Childbirth isn't easy, but a little help may go a long way.
Your hubby did make a deal, though.
Hopefully, y'all can find some common ground.
Good luck, and congrats!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp