Not every wedding goes off without a hitch.
Some weddings get mired down in hitches.
A lot of the time, the problems are caused by family members.
This doesn’t create the fondest of memories on the happiest of days.
Redditor Unlucky-Asparagus-24 to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for asking my mother not to eat at the church for my wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I planned a small wedding with about 80 close friends and family, with the ceremony in the morning and the reception in the afternoon with scones and punch.”
“I let the guests know the meal situation in case they wanted to just come to the ceremony and not the reception.”
“My husband and I just graduated from college, and he got a job out of state, so we only had a few months to plan.”
“It wasn’t the best plan, but I couldn’t afford anything else since I didn’t have financial help from either of our parents at the start.”
“A few months into planning, my mom asked about having lunch in the church basement with a few of her close friends who would be at the wedding.”
“I was under the impression it was just two families, so I agreed.”
“Later, I asked if the lunch was just for her friends so I could figure out how I needed to feed my bridal party, but I guess my mom got the impression I specifically wanted to eat with them.”
“A couple of weeks before the wedding, I found out that between my family, my husband’s parents, and my mom’s friends, my mom had invited 59 people to her lunch in the basement of the church.”
“This number specifically only excluded my husband’s extended family and my college friends.”
“I was shocked, but didn’t know what to say until my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] offered to find a caterer to combine with my mom’s efforts to feed everyone.”
“I told my mom that I wanted her to work with my mother-in-law to feed everyone in the church basement or take her lunch to a park near the church so that every guest had to leave and come back.”
“I figured this was the best option I could give my mom because I didn’t like the idea of only 21 people having to leave while everyone else stayed.”
“It wasn’t just my wedding; it was my husband’s too, so it wouldn’t be fair to exclude his family.”
“My mom told me I was breaking a commitment.”
“She had already made the food and told me that she wasn’t sure my parents could come to the reception.'”
“She planned on dropping off the cold food and having the caterer and my mother-in-law ‘figure it out.'”
“After finding out that I made the ultimatum, not my mother-in-law as my mom thought, my mom spoke to my in-laws on the phone.”
“Whatever they said was magic because she called me to say that she appreciated that they ‘actually listened’ and made her feel better about combining efforts.”
“But my mom’s idea of working it out was that her small group of friends and family would eat in a separate room while the rest of the guests ate in the reception area.”
“This meant that I was cut off from some of my friends and family if I stayed in the main room.”
“My mom did not say one nice thing to me at the wedding.”
“The only time I heard her speak to me was when she was leaving the room I was in, as the men were walking past.”
“I asked her not to leave yet so they wouldn’t see me.”
“After, she sighed and said, ‘Can I go now?’ and slammed the door.”
“I haven’t really spoken to her since because we moved out of state.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that everyone involved in the story WAS the A**hole.
“ESH. If you can’t afford a meal for your guests, then you should have had the ceremony and reception at a time when a meal wouldn’t be needed.”
“Such as ‘ceremony at 2 pm, tea reception at 3 pm.'”
“You put your guests in a bad spot, and your mother tried to fill the gap.”
“It seems like your mother was willing to spend a lot of time, money, and effort to feed your guests, but not in a coordinated way.”
“So it’s pretty obvious that you and your mother had a big disagreement about the wedding particulars.” ~ 1962Michael
“YTA This is a silly plant.”
“Making your guests basically work a split shift, hang around all day in their fancy clothes, and then give them a snack.”
“If you can’t afford a wedding, why not get married at a Justice of the Peace?”
“And use your limited funds for a reception.”
“Or not.” ~ Careless_Hope5987
“If the mom had set up a lunch for everyone, I’d agree.”
“Heck, even if she just wanted to feed anyone with delicate health (seniors, etc), I’d give it a pass.”
“But she didn’t.”
“The mom set up lunch for 2/3 of the guests and specifically uninvited the rest, then threw a fit when she was asked to cooperate so everyone could be involved.”
“The mom was being rude AF, and everyone knew it.” ~ Librarycat77
“ESH except your family-in-law.”
“You actually expected your guests to leave and come back after they eat?”
“And your mother is the AH for making it bigger than she made it seem like it was going to be.”
“Have a smaller wedding. Invite only close family and have a small supper after.”
“I think it’s rude to expect your guests to feed themselves.”
“Sounds like you could have gotten together with your mom and MIL and planned a small lunch, and they would have provided a simple meal.” ~ SnooSprouts6437
“I’ve been to a few weddings where I’ve been released into the wild for two or so hours and then expected to come back for dinner and a reception, and it’s a great recipe for all your guests to show up at the reception drunk as skunks.”
“And I’ve always found it fairly rude, but the idea of being released into the wild and being expected to come back for scones and punch?”
“No, thank you, sir!”
“If you want to do scones and punch, it needs to be immediately after the wedding.”
“You can take your photos later if you like, since you won’t be busy all night with the reception.” ~ Music_withRocks_In
“YTA. You are having a wedding without food.”
“You literally are not feeding anyone, but you are upset that mom is feeding some of them.”
“At least she is feeding some of them.”
“She is doing my so so much more than you.”
“You shouldn’t have a wedding if you can’t feed the people who take time out of their day to come.” ~ SoccerProblem3547
“ESH. You didn’t have the money to have a wedding, so you shouldn’t have organised one, easy.”
“If, for some reason, you HAD TO get married, then you just do a quick one to have the papers and keep in mind to have a proper one at church if you so wish at some other point in time.”
“Also, it was ridiculous to ‘solve’ the problem by getting married in the morning and then having a reception in the afternoon.”
“At the very least, you should have gotten married at 10 am or 2 pm and gotten snacks at 11 am or 3 pm.”
“So that people will not be hostages for the whole day, they can then go back to wherever they came from and have their lunch/dinner.”
“Your mother’s plans were incredibly ridiculous.”
“While generous to provide food, she was fine with leaving out your husband’s side of things. Wild.”
“But you were even worse in not actively organizing your wedding… You say you were too far to coordinate your mum and your MIL (who seems to be the only normal person here), but phones, Zoom calls, text groups, etc, exist.”
“This was your and your husband’s wedding to organise, and you failed.”
“ETA: 80 people is NOT a small wedding.” ~ JullabyBye
“ESH. If you couldn’t afford to properly feed your guests, especially knowing some are traveling, then you should’ve had just the ceremony, making the snacks and mingling time a short time at the end.”
“Whether or not I lived close, I know I personally am not going to dedicate a whole day to two different parts of the same wedding.”
“Your mom sucks for making it sound like a handful of people would be eating and then turning it into a mini reception with most of the guest list.”
“She should’ve had an honest conversation about how your plan isn’t great (it wasn’t) and see what could be done about fixing that.”
“For my wedding, I was going all D[o] I[t] Y[ourself] (except a caterer for a meal), but my parents wanted an open bar, so they paid for a venue with the bar and meal that would allow me to still DIY everything else.”
“By the way, your story needs some editing.”
“I got confused multiple times because I think there are spots where you seemingly mix up your mom and your MIL.” ~ AvailableWhereas8832
“ESH. Since you couldn’t afford a wedding, why didn’t you elope?”
“Later could have had a small party to celebrate.”
“It would have given you time to save up money and plan exactly what you wanted.”
“Or at least coordinate with your mother and in-laws once you have your mother’s approval for the lunch.”
“Seems like you were pretty hands-off.” ~ MaeSilver909
This is an unfortunate situation, OP.
Reddit gave you a ton to chew on.
Hopefully, you created other fond memories of the day to look back on.