Mom-To-Be Asks If It's Wrong To Announce Pregnancy At Her Birthday Party If Her Ex Is There

When it's over, it's over. Or is it?

What happens when one person has moved on and the other is still hanging on?

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A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) to post a future scenario asking the  subReddit "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA).

XmasBaby_Throwaway asked:

"WIBTA if I announced my pregnancy at my Christmas/birthday party even though my sensitive ex would be there?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I (30, female) and my fiancé (31, male) recently found out that we're expecting! We're super excited, but as private people, no one outside of our immediate families will know this is actually my second pregnancy—my first ended in miscarriage."

"Out of a mix of anxiety and caution, we've decided to wait until after my anatomy scan (which is the week before Christmas) to announce it publicly."

"Every year, I host a big gathering for Christmas and my birthday, since they're a day apart. Friends fly in, and it's the one time my divorced parents can stand being in the same room together."

"Since my scan is right before the party, and I should be starting to show, I'm thinking about using the 'birthday' part of the evening to announce the pregnancy."

"Here's where the maybe a**hole comes in—my ex (32, male) will likely be there. We're still 'friends' because he's close with a lot of my social circle, and we try to be civil."

"My fiancé and my ex were friends for over a decade before things went south. My fiancé was hired on at my workplace three days after the breakup, so we ended up spending a lot of time together in the coming months and realized we had a lot in common."

"The TLDR of that was: My ex and I dated on and off for a year. It wasn't great—he was controlling and obsessed with the idea that I'd 'c*ck' him if I did anything without him."

"Yeah, it was like two months of dating, then I noped out, but everyone bugged me about giving him a second chance for another couple of months. So I finally caved and gave him another two months and then that was it."

"So, all together during that year, we only dated for four months. But to hear him tell it, you'd think we were together the entire time."

"Several months after our final breakup, my fiancé and I started dating. My ex demanded that my fiancé choose between their friendship and mine. My fiancé chose me."

"My ex then spread rumors that we cheated on him. We lost a lot of friends, and the ones who stayed neutral are why he's still at gatherings—if they're invited, they think excluding him feels awkward so they bring him anyway."

"I've tried explicitly not inviting him, but that turned into a big drama in the friend group. If I host something, someone inevitably ends up bringing him. I'm so tired of this, too, honestly. I don't talk to him at all. He's just... there, whether I want him or not."

"Even though my fiancé and I have been together for over a year now, my ex seems to have some lingering feelings or bitterness. He refuses to acknowledge our engagement, and the energy is always off when I see him."

"Some friends think he's still 'grieving', but my fiancé thinks we should cut him and those who defend him off. As for me, I'm just trying to maintain peace with the friends who stuck around after the pandemic."

"None of our friends know we even want kids. I was the oldest sibling of many and used to joke that I'd 'done my time' raising kids."

"I had an IUD and was actually scheduled for a tubal ligation, but I got pregnant against all odds. That first pregnancy and the subsequent miscarriage changed my heart about having kids."

"Since our friends don't know about that, this announcement will come as a surprise—especially to my ex."

"And yes, it's half a Christmas party (so I can give my friends and family their gifts), but everyone's really there for my birthday."

"So… WIBTA if I announced my pregnancy after the Christmas part of the evening, during my birthday portion?"

The OP later edited her post to add:

"I don't invite my ex. My attempts to ban him were met with hostility, and someone brings him anyway."

"He's kind of inescapable. We've shared this friend group for years because we have hobbies that are different but close enough that there's a number of people who do both. We both met the same group of people and independently befriended them for years before our paths ever crossed."

"I've tried bringing up my discomfort, but I'm met with a mix of 'he's going through it, he just has past relationship trauma, have some sympathy' or 'it's been a year, why are you bringing up drama?' or 'we can't just single this one guy out and leave him out of group activities'."

"Quitting the friend group will freeze me out of a hobby I've had since childhood—Medieval combat. We are often paid to perform at ren faires for our horse jousting tournaments. It's niche, requires a group, and ex isn't even in the hobby."

"Think jousting on horses, full armored combat, that kind of thing. I'm personally not fighting now because of my pregnancy, but my fiancé is still fighting and I've taken over organizing and running the events."

"Fiancé likes most of these people still, and they never bring up ex's feelings or ask fiancé to tolerate ex. They only seem to demand it of me."

"My fiancé is of the mindset 'ignore it and it will go away', but we've been ignoring this man for a year, and he invites himself to everywhere I plan to be. Unsurprisingly, if just my fiancé goes out with these same friends, ex doesn't show."

"I don't talk to my ex. I don't acknowledge my ex. I don't even talk to my social circle about him, but they keep bringing his feelings to me and making me responsible for them."

"I don't want to be responsible for them!"

"I get that this is a group of guys, and he's their bro, but he's been moping longer than we were ever together at this point. I get villifying the ex because your friend is sad for the first month or two while they cope, but after a year‽‽"

"I'm in one medieval combat sport (I don't want to detail which one), and ex is in another. There's a lot of politics that could lead to national-level repercussions for me and my fiancé if we don't tread carefully, and fiancé wants to keep fighting, so quitting the sport wholesale doesn't work for him."

The OP summed up their situation.

"My ex is very likely to be there, and he has a lot of insecurities and seems to be particularly sensitive to my new relationship."

"No one other than my immediate family even knows I want kids now. It is still kind of a Christmas party and that might just be in bad taste."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

"People who do not realize that you and your ex are ONLY hanging out at the same time because you feel forced by them are not your real friends."

"A real friend would, as soon as you mention your discomfort and the fact he spread blatant lies about you, at a minimum, they would understand that YOUR BIRTHDAY is not a 'group activity' and support you for not inviting him. And if they're truly your friends, they would not have wanted to include him in anything, considering he felt the need to make up blatant lies about you."

"People making excuses as to why an ex is allowed to behave himself like an a**hole because you broke up with him are just shitty people, that's all there is to it."

"Share the news! Share it proudly! Screw you ex, if he doesn't like it, I'm sure he knows where the door is. And if your so-called 'friends' think it's inappropriate, screw them! I'm sure they know where the door is as well. Trust me, it's better to be surrounded by family and true friends than by a bunch of people who aren't actual friends."

"NTA. And congratulations on following, monitors, tracking, observing, surveilling, or harassing people during your pregnancy! Stay safe, and don't stress. Cut anyone who stresses you out out of your life, neither you nor your baby need that." ~ EmJennings

"NTA. You have to stop letting him dictate your life, though. Your ex does NOT sound like a pleasant person, and I'm honestly surprised you're nice enough to keep him around even after he blatantly lied about you."

"And about your friends, I would rethink your relationship with them too—how were they neutral about your ex making you look and feel like sh*t? Why are they defending his sh*tty attitude?

"You even noted that he brings down the mood. I bet he doesn't even want to attend the event other than to purposefully make you feel uncomfortable and guilt you."

"I'm on team fiancé here, please do it for yourself and drop the ex and those that may be on his side. He's making you suffer even after all this time, and making you walk around on eggshells."

"Stop catering to him, and enjoy Christmas without a party-pooper this year. Congrats on your pregnancy." ~ hopefullyhelpfulyaps

"Explicitly don't invite your ex. If asked why, say that you and your fiancé are fed up of him being so weird about a 4 month off-and-on relationship that's been over longer than it lasted, and you're both sick of his sulks."

"If someone does bring him, and you don't feel able to say 'Why are you here, I didn't invite you', at least tell them that you didn't invite him for a reason and if he starts being weird, you'd like them to take responsibility."

"Announce your pregnancy. If his reaction is anything other than congratulations, say loud and clear that this is exactly the kind of behaviour you're sick of, and ask him to leave."

"If anyone tries to tell you that you're in the wrong, ask them 'Are you saying I'm wrong to announce MY pregnancy in MY house during MY birthday party because of a guest I DIDN'T EVEN INVITE? Will you want me to hide the baby in the attic because of his feelings?'."

"And then stop pandering to people who think Can't Get Over It Carl gets to have a say in your life ever again." ~ OscillatingFox

Though no one mentioned it in their responses, the legal definition of a stalker is someone who "follows, monitors, tracks, observes, surveils or harasses a person, disrupting their ability to live freely.

Hmmm...

The OP gave a bit of an update or potential solution in one comment.

"Like this guy was blatantly lying saying that my fiancé and I started our relationship during my relationship with my ex, and those who didn't believe him were just like, 'Well, his girlfriend before you cheated on him at the end so it's just his trauma acting up and he'll calm down. You just gotta let him work through this, and it'll all blow over'."

"Maybe this has made me a little bitter, too, but I wonder if the story about his ex is even true. Will the next girl hear that I'm the cheating ex? Ugh."

"He's the quintessential 'nice guy'. I have zero local friends who aren't also connected to him in some way, and leaving this friend group completely shuts me out of the local scene for my hobby."

"Maybe I'll float the idea of moving with my fiance and see if we can start fresh, just the three of us (I'm so excited to say that. Our kid!!!) elsewhere. It's easier to move now than before the little one arrives."

It's unfortunate the OP thinks moving is her only recourse to escape a stalker that her friends are enabling. With friends like these...