A pregnancy should be a time of joy and anticipation.
Those surrounding a pregnant woman usually lift her up and try to make the experience as calm as possible.
But then… there are times things tend to go off the rails.
Case in point…
Redditor throwaway6779770 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for walking out of the baby shower my In-Laws threw for me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“The situation is kind of a mess.”
“I (F[emale] 27) am expecting my first baby with my husband.”
“This is the first grandchild in the family (In-Laws) and they said that if the baby’s a boy then we’ll give him my father In-Law’s name (he’s dead due to cancer).”
“I had no problem with that.”
“This happened before we found out the gender of the baby – my husband and his family had me ‘do things’ like attend prayers and do other rituals before the reveal at the doctors.”
“I didn’t like that but went with it to keep the peace.”
“Doctor appointment came, and it turned out to be a girl.”
“My husband cried in the car then turned his phone off to hide from his family, then finally told them.”
“His mom and the others made their frustration and disappointment clear which bothered me because my daughter deserves to be celebrated.”
“But they ghosted me for days then started coming over and visiting constantly referring to my daughter as my son claiming the results were false and basically pretending it’s a boy.”
“I had several fights with them after they refused to stop it.”
“And my husband sided with them despite seeing how wrong and unreasonable what they were doing was.”
“We didn’t speak for a while.”
“Sister InLaw called to apologize, then inform me she arranged for a baby shower for me.”
“I was so excited and happy.”
“But when I arrived I saw blue balloons, blue cake with Father In-Law’s name/decorations around.”
“I was so confused I had to sit down.”
“Sister In-Law explained they were ‘still’ hoping the gender results are false and it’s a boy.”
“I looked at my husband and he agreed with her.”
“I lost my temper and yelled at them all calling them delusional and telling them to stop treating my daughter like she’s unwanted.”
“And act like she doesn’t exist by throwing a party for ‘their imaginary grandson.'”
“My Mother In- Law broke down crying.”
“I took my bag and walked out immediately.”
“They started yelling and my husband followed me outside and started arguing about how I insulted his family, and his dad’s memory by acting like that.”
“I told him to wake up and see the insanity in his family’s behavior.”
“He said they needed time to process the fact that it’s a girl not a boy as they expected and insisted I play along and ‘they’ll soon get over it.'”
“I said absolutely not and demanded he take me home, he said no so I called an Uber and left.”
“He was fuming he called 15 times, then texted that he won’t be coming home til I ‘get my a**’ over and apologize for ruining everything THEY’VE DONE FOR ME!!!”
“And accusing them of being mentally unstable.”
“I haven’t responded yet he’s constantly pressuring me to get right with his family before we even talk about anything else.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Yup. They can delude themselves all they want but when that baby arrives and they can’t deny she does not, in fact, have a dingle dangle they are going to treat her like dog sh*t.”
“The fact that your husband is supporting them (and also delusional) is a HUGE red flag.”
“Unless you want your daughter raised by a bunch of misogynists, I would seriously consider getting out of there NOW. NTA.” ~ cbm984
“NTA. He’ll problem divorce her for not being able to provide them with a son or force her to conduct a test where they can find out whether it’s a boy or a girl and possibly abort the girl child.”
“Sad but true. RUN.” ~ browneyedgal1512
“The pretend-it’s-a-boy thing made it abundantly clear OP’s husband’s family will treat her daughter like the unwanted child just because of her biological sex.”
“OP needs to RUN.”
“OP honey… the only way you could be TA is if you stayed with this man.”
“First off, even without knowing the child’s sex, what they’re doing throughout your pregnancy is concerning.”
“They made you do all kinds of weird rituals (that you didn’t like)?”
They straight up told you what they were going to name the baby?”
“Obviously you were fine with it, but that doesn’t mean what they did is normal or okay.”
“They gave you absolutely NO say whatsoever to the naming of your own child, which will stick with the kid for at least 18 year.”
“Naming is something that both parents should agree on – the fact that you were so casual with them giving you no agency and making decisions unilaterally is worrying me.”
“Have ‘incidents’ like this ever happened before?”
“Your daughter is just as worthy of celebration and love as any boy.”
“The fact that they were ‘disappointed’ and didn’t celebrate her the way they would a boy is just plain sexism.”
“But more than that – hoping that the test result is false, and scheduling a whole baby shower around that?” Without telling the mother, no less?”
“This is not healthy behavior.”
“Like you mentioned in your post – the grandson they threw a party for doesn’t exist.”
“They’re already making your daughter feel unwanted – because she IS unwanted – before she’s even born.”
“Can you imagine what would happen when she’s born, and their hopes for a grandson gets truly, fully shattered?”
“Trust me, I’ve been there. They do not want your daughter, they want a grandson, one to be the little reincarnation of your F[ather] I[n] “L[aw]
“They do not want the child you’re carrying, and they will let her know that.”
“They will make her feel like she’s not enough, never will be.”
“Do you know what that does to a person?”
“Your husband is dropping serious red flags by siding with his family.”
“They have done nothing for you but demand you do things you didn’t like, make joint decisions unilaterally, and throw a shower for a nonexistent baby.”
“You had nothing to apologize for when it comes to calling them unstable – you were correct.”
“Anybody who is this obsessed over a fetus’ biological sex is unstable.”
“He’s sleeping over at his mama’s? Let him.”
“He and his family can either get over their ridiculous dreams for a mini-FIL, or he can stay there until you file for divorce.”
“Which should be done as soon as possible.” ~ GoodGirlsGrace
“It astounds me that her husband expects OP to spend her pregnancy, with their first child, which should be a happy and hopeful time… pretending and being made to feel guilty or somehow ‘less than’ by him and his whole family.”
“Like, it’s insane.”
“OP, you must leave.”
“For your daughter’s sake… imagine how she will be treated by them!!” ~ tinny36
“Document all this behaviour NOW.”
“Screenshots of texts, detailed accounts of events, everything.”
“If you choose to leave your husband (which for your daughter’s sake I hope you do), you might need to show why this environment is unsafe for your child, and puts her in a vulnerable position.”
“In reading between the lines, I’m guessing that cultural pressures might be fairly strong as well for you to make amends and make this marriage work.”
“However, no matter how badly you might view divorce, it will still be nothing compared to the treatment your daughter will have to go through after her birth.”
“Also consider what happens if your next pregnancy is a girl: will you be pushed to abort?”
“Will you be asked to keep making babies until you have a son?”
“My grandma had 4 daughters before she finally had a boy.”
“My uncle is treated like a king compared to all of his sisters, despite the women doing the majority of the caregiving.”
“On his deathbed, my grandpa kept asking for his son, despite the fact that my mother and aunts had been taking care of him 24/7, and my uncle had only visited once.
Take care of yourself and your baby, OP.” ~ virgopolitics
“NAH, she should take the home.”
“He won’t come back till she makes this right, great.”
“He’s abandoned her, she should change the locks, send him divorce paper, and get legal advice on keeping them all away from her and her daughter as they are batsh!t crazy.”
“They’re obsessed with making this baby girl her FIL reincarnate.”
“And, if this is real, I wouldn’t let them anywhere near us, and there’d definitely be no more kids with this man.” ~ Ok-Beginning-5922
“So…. you already know how your daughter is going to be treated in this family.”
“Time to take a nice hard look at how your life between now and when you die will be and what your daughters life will be like and make some hard decisions. NTA.” ~ Adahla987
Well OP, Reddit is on your side.
There are a lot of concerns here.
This sounds like a hostile environment.
Hopefully you find a safe way through.
Congrats on the baby girl.