Let’s be honest: Not everyone is meant to be a parent.
Not everyone is meant to date a parent, either.
But an unusual number of people date parents with children from previous relationships and have a “shocked Pikachu face” over their partner continuing to be a parent while participating in their new romantic relationship, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor cramingMY_style was dating a woman he really cared about who had just moved in with him and seemed to have a good relationship with his adult daughter.
But when his daughter got pregnant and wanted to move in with him, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked by how his girlfriend pushed back against the idea of him caring for his daughter.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for letting my pregnant daughter move in wtih me, even though my girlfriend doesn’t want her to?”
The OP was very close to his adult daughter, Maddy.
“I (40 Male) have an 18-year-old daughter, Maddy, with my ex-wife. My ex-wife and I divorced when Maddy was seven. I have her three weekends each month.”
“Her mom moved to a suburb almost an hour outside the city to be closer to her family and for a better school. My work was in the city, and after a while, Maddy got sick of all the driving and asked if we could go to a different schedule.”
“We talked most days on the phone, and I have been very involved in her life. She’s a great student, graduated with over a 4.0, has a lot of friends, and a (what I thought!!) very nice boyfriend.”
“She has no idea what she wants to do with her life, and already decided to defer her scholarship a year to take classes at the community college, work, and reflect on what she’ll do next.”
The OP also loved his girlfriend, Vera, and thought she had a good relationship with Maddy.
“I also have a girlfriend, Vera (37 Female), and she gets along with Maddy great.”
“We’ve been together about two years, and she just moved into my house a few months ago. Her old roommate got married, and she couldn’t afford rent alone. We’d been together for almost two years already anyway, and I was considering proposing to her, so it seemed like a good idea for her to move in when she couldn’t find another place that she could afford.
“She pays the electric and water bills, but my house is paid off, so I just pay taxes, insurance, and the other utilities.”
“It’s been great. I didn’t really date much the past few years between Maddy and work, so it’s nice having someone always around.”
“Vera doesn’t want kids of her own, and I don’t want any more, so it’s been great.”
When Maddy needed help, the OP was happy to be there for her.
“Now, Maddy is pregnant, and her mom has kicked her out. Her boyfriend has another year left of nursing school and lives in a college apartment with roommates.”
“She is, of course, staying here for now and found out late about the pregnancy; she’s due in January. She and her boyfriend went over the options and decided to keep the baby.”
“She told me very meekly and asked if she could stay.”
“I told her, of course, she knows this is disappointing, but she’ll never stop being my baby, and if this is what’s going to happen, I’m here to support her within reason. As in, I’m fine babysitting if she has work or class, and she will keep working and going to school, but I’m not babysitting for her to party or hang out with friends.”
“If the boyfriend bails, which I was as kind as I could be, but told her happens even with the nicest boys, she would need to file for child support.”
“And I would give her grace before and after birth, but when she’s recovered, she will go back to doing chores on top of baby ones.”
“I told her and the boyfriend to sleep on it, and they did and came back with actual thoughtful responses, and even a budget and budget goal that I found impressive. So, the tiny bedroom next to Maddy’s that is currently home to a treadmill I never use is going to be a nursery.”
But when Maddy needed help, Vera showed her true colors.
“I’ve kept Vera in the loop during all of this. Vera and I discussed all of this before I talked to the kids. In depth. I made her VERY aware that the three of them could end up living here for a few years.”
“She was supportive. I kept her in the loop.”
“But when Maddy LIVING here became the plan, she gave me an ultimatum and told me to kick my daughter out because she’s an adult.”
“I told her I wouldn’t do that. She got upset and said if she wanted to raise a baby, she’d have one of her own. She said she didn’t sign up for this and is not okay with it, and demanded I rescind the offer, that Maddy is 18 and needs to figure it out on her own if she wants to keep the baby.”
“I told her I wouldn’t do that, she’ll always be my daughter and needs help.”
“She threatened to move out if I didn’t tell Maddy to get out, and then got mad that I told her I understood.”
“Now she’s avoiding both of us (but still staying here) or being snippy. I don’t know what she expects me to do, but it’s making the entire house anxious.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were bitter toward the OP’s ex-girlfriend and her views of his daughter.
“OP already said he chose his daughter over his girlfriend. But the girlfriend, who was supposedly ready to leave, has nowhere to go and can’t afford to live independently, so she’s just angry her ultimatum didn’t work while still living with OP.” – aafm1995
“Funny how that works. The girlfriend thinks OP’s pregnant 18-year-old must be independent and out of the house, while she, 37 and without any children, should be given shelter and food on the table.” – barrocaspaula
“She only pays certain utilities, so if she needed to find her own place, she should have money saved up from not having to pay all the bills, but something tells me she didn’t save a penny. NTA.” – moongoddessy
“OP needs to write up a formal eviction notice asap for the ex-girlfriend. Vera said she’d break it off and move out if he didn’t kick out his only child. OP owns the home. Time to give her 60 days to go.” – whybother_incertname
“There is no cure for people with this level of selfishness. It’s a mental illness. OP needs to get this leech out of his home and away from his family.” – dreams_to_sing
Others agreed and said it was best for the girlfriend to move on.
“Time to tell your girlfriend that she can do what’s best for her, but your daughter will probably be here for three or four years. Let her know you want her to stay, but your life will change.” – mustang19671967
“NTA. She DID sign up for it when she started dating a man who has a child. Even if the child is of age, she is still his child. That child comes with responsibilities and usually sacrifices.” – Interesting-Ad-3756
“She needs to move out. She’s right, she didn’t sign up for this. You also didn’t sign up for this, but the baby’s on its way, and you have to choose your path.”
“Sounds like you’ve chosen, and your choice is incompatible with what your girlfriend is willing to accept. That’s completely fair.”
“But she needs to come to terms with the fact that you’ve arrived at a fork in your personal path that she’s not on board with, so it’s time to part ways.” – Constant_Host_3212
“She doesn’t have to be happy about it. You just functionally told her that you and she are incompatible and need to break up right after she made the commitment to move in with you. No one would be happy about that.” – thirdtryisthecharm
“Dude, she showed her a very mean side of her, don’t ignore that! You wrote, ‘She said she didn’t sign up for this and is not okay with it, and demanded I rescind the offer, that Maddy is 18 and needs to figure it out on her own if she wants to keep the baby.'”
“That’s just vile, sorry not sorry. And you know it.”
“Also, Vera is 37 years old and needs to figure it out on her own if she wants exclusive say in who gets to stay in the household. She can find and pay for her own place if she wants to insist on staying childfree.”
“If the 18-year-old without a finished education and without a proper job is ‘old enough’ to get tossed into the street and forced to fend for herself, so can Vera.”
“I wouldn’t want to keep dating someone who would kick my 18-year-old pregnant daughter out.” – IchPutzHierNurMkay
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“My last post got a little overwhelming. I’m still glad I did it. Reading the comments, I just got to the point I was like… what am I doing?”
“I asked Vera to talk. She actually did kind of apologize, said she was just stressed because she’s expected Maddy to either keep the same custody schedule or maybe a bit more, but not full-time, and certainly not with a baby.”
“And then she didn’t think I’d actually let her live here with the baby. She said she’d be able to work with a compromise of Maddy and the boyfriend, Doug, getting their own place when he started working full-time, and they could promise to never ask her for help.”
“I guess she thought as long as she had an end in sight, she would be able to handle it.”
“I told her I understood, but her behavior was out of line, and I can’t see us working out after this. She was upset and seemed shocked and got pretty mad.”
“I told her she was welcome to stay in the basement (finished, walk out, with a kitchenette) for a month while she found a new place, and I’d pay her back for the bills she’d paid (790, so I rounded up to a grand).”
“She wasn’t happy at any of this and was freaking out, so I called and asked Maddy if she could stay with Doug for the night. I offered to give Vera some space, and she told me to f**k off. I was working from home that day, so I was around but not in her way at all while she moved her things downstairs.”
“She had work that night and let me know the next morning she’d be moving to her friend’s house. I offered help, but again, she said no and left her key on the counter. I changed the security code, but told her if she left anything there, just to let me know, and I’d let her in to come and get it.”
“So I thought there’d be no drama. I was actually obviously sad but felt better about the whole thing.”
It seemed to the OP that Vera had left a terrible parting gift.
“We can’t prove anything, but Maddy’s carnivore plants started rapidly dying the last few days, and she said a bunch of her concentrated fertilizer was gone. We all know not to touch them or water them, as in she had me install rain barrels because they can’t have tap water.”
“She’s devastated and hasn’t said it directly, but I think we both think Vera did something to them. I’ve asked her if she wants me to do anything about it, and she’s said no. And at one point, Vera sent Maddy a nasty text saying she’s the reason I’m alone, and she hopes she’s happy. I told her to block her.”
“I don’t know if she feels guilty or like she deserves it. She doesn’t even want me to replace them and said she’ll just try to salvage some of them.”
“So, we’re not great right now. I’m gonna stay single for a while, obviously.”
“But there’s some good news. I have a female friend, whom Maddy has known forever, and has had kids, and she took her out to lunch. My issue was that Maddy thought she could power through and take courses in the spring with a newborn. She wouldn’t listen to me and told me she’d make it work.”
“My friend was able to convince her that one semester wasn’t going to ruin her life, so that is a positive.”
“And I talked with Doug and his parents. They are like me, not thrilled but going to be supportive and excited for a grandbaby. They live over an hour away, though, so I told them I had a spare room they could use when they visit.”
“Doug works part-time while he’s in school, and I told him to work this semester to make his education and finishing his degree his number one priority next semester, no matter what.”
“I am willing to support them both financially (and with the baby more than I normally would) next semester because I know the best way to ensure my grandbaby has a good life is by making sure their dad has his degree and a good job. He seemed to understand and was thankful, maybe he’s not as much of a ding dong as I thought he was.”
Fellow Redditors applauded the OP for how he handled the situation.
“You’re a great example to Doug in how to father a child.” – Soggy_Detective_4737
“You are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter and her boyfriend. It’s ideal to do things in a certain order, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Op giving them a place to stay and supporting them and their baby so they can finish school is amazing. OP is my hero dad for today.” – Frequent_Couple5498
“Good riddance to Vera. As far as the plants go, I’d try transplanting them and removing as much soil as possible from the roots first.” – Ok_Play2364
“Vera probably thought she had it made living in OP’s house and just paying the electric and water bills. OP is very reasonable and generous, paying his ex back $1000 instead of $790, and it’s totally understandable that his daughter comes first.”
“OP has a good plan in mind, and thank goodness Maddie has him.” – curious-by-moon
“You’re a great dad, OP, and I hope your daughter and her partner really make the most out of the opportunity you’ve given them.”
“I hope other parents take note that you don’t have to be thrilled with everything your kid does and can be disappointed, but it doesn’t mean you leave them hanging.”
“Your ex sounded like an a**. You’re a parent and always will be.” – Fire_or_water_kai
“Yay! He’s a great dad and a great future Pop Pop.” – Creative-Sun6739
Though this may not have been the future the OP envisioned for his daughter, it seemed that he, his daughter, and her boyfriend would be making the best of it in the coming months and years.
Hopefully, Vera would make a better life for herself and learn something from this, and let’s be honest, not take her anger out on anyone else’s plants.