Having a child can be a very stressful life experience.
So many parents want to do their best.
But a lot of people weren’t given the best role models.
And that can stir up a lot of sensitive emotions.
That can leave people struggling with their strategy.
Case in point…
Redditor ValuableBurner to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for crying after my baby’s gender was revealed?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife (31 F[emale[) and I (30 M[ale]) were having a gender reveal for our first child.”
“My wife doesn’t mind what gender the baby is, she just wanted to get a few friends and family together for a small party and she was under the impression that I thought that too.”
“Neither of us was interested in doing anything big, we just had a friend to read out the letter and reveal the gender.”
“I didn’t tell my wife this but I was really hoping for a daughter instead of a son so when it was revealed that we’ll be having a boy it really upset me.”
“I didn’t want to ruin the day though so I just tried to act normal and celebrate with my wife and the family.”
“Later on after everyone had left, I was alone in our room whilst my wife was downstairs.”
“I was sitting on the bed and just started crying.”
“I don’t often cry.”
“I think it’s a waste of my time and unnecessary but I was just really panicking.”
“I really wanted a daughter because my dad was really shi**y to me and he messed me up a lot.”
“I’m scared that I will be the same to my son.”
“I don’t want to f**k my son up like my dad did to me.”
“I’ve been scared about turning into my dad since before I met my wife.”
“The big reason I didn’t want kids originally was in case I treated them like my dad treated me.”
“My wife walked in on me crying and I tried to explain why without talking about my dad much (she doesn’t know anything about what my dad was like.)”
“She told me that I was selfish and called me a few other things.”
“Then told me to sleep on the couch.”
“She hasn’t really been the same with me since, she’s still really annoyed.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the a**hole.
“YTA. Gender disappointment is a thing, but the reality here is that you’ve somehow pinned your ability to not repeat the cycle of poor parenting on the idea of having a girl.”
“Your wife deserves to know your upbringing and your fears because it plays a crucial role in the trauma and triggers you may have as a parent.”
“You need some therapy OP.”
“You need to apologize for ruining the fun and happiness, and then have an earnest heart-to-heart.” ~ coastalkid92
“Yes, YTA. For not talking to your wife about your childhood trauma.”
“Yes, it’s trauma because it’s impacting who you are as a man and who you think you’ll be as a father.”
“For not communicating to her when you talked about having kids, that you have such a strong preference for a daughter.”
“For somehow thinking that if you inherited something from your dad, it would have been ‘safe’ if you had a daughter.”
“For presumably not getting counseling or help to deal with this issue?”
“Hopefully, for your son’s sake, you’ll open up to your wife, get some help, and realize you can absolutely be an amazing father to anyone.”
“Please open up to her, get some help, you three will be a family for many many years… you want the best I’m sure.” ~ Canadian_01
“All of this.”
“Also, if someone wants a baby of a particular sex, they should choose a route other than the comparative roulette of typical biological conception.”
“To me, it’s incredibly irresponsible to enter into a 50/50 gamble and then be disappointed when it’s your less desired outcome.”
“You knew the chances were equal and should be happy with either outcome.” ~ _artbabe95
“YTA, but not for crying.”
“Your wife thinks you are selfish because you wanted one thing and got another and now you don’t feel happy about your child.”
“Because you are unwilling to open up about the real reason you were feeling emotional, she reacted in a way that felt acceptable- she feels like this is your child to love regardless, and here you are moping.”
“Not communicating about things like this is what causes conflicts.”
“You need to go to her, apologize that you upset her on what was meant to be a happy day for you all, and then EXPLAIN EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING!”
“Meaning you need to talk about whatever happened between you and your father.”
“Now that you are going to be a parent, these things are going to come out in you- you are going to feel emotionally triggered sometimes, and she’s going to be totally in the dark.”
“I agree that you should write it out if talking about it is hard.”
“OP, you won’t be like your dad.”
“You are literally crying worried that you will hurt this kid and the kid isn’t even here yet.”
“You are 100% in control of how you parent your kid, and if you do it with love, patience, and understanding with a goal of mutual respect, you will be FINE.”
“You need to consider therapy before your child is born.”
“I had many disappointments in my relationship with my mother when I was younger.”
“As a mom to girls, I’ve found it very, very healing to be able to be the parent to them that I wish I had had.” ~ thebohomama
“Seriously, OP you need to tell her about your trauma now and seek out a good therapist to help you work through it.”
“If you don’t want to repeat the cycle of abuse, THIS is how.”
“Keeping it bottled up and secret is only going to guarantee you screw up somehow in some way maybe not as badly as your father did but if you don’t get help you can’t get out of the cycle.” ~ Crypticbeliever1
“I don’t think you’re TA but I do think you have some room here to grow.”
“Start reading parenting books, learn more about how to respond to tantrums (and whatever else you’re worried about) so you’re ready when they happen.”
“Reflect even more now on what your dad did wrong and think about how you’ll do differently.”
“Communicate more with your wife.”
“Maybe pursue therapy.”
“Crying has benefits, you shouldn’t not be crying because you think it’s a waste of time.”
“And finally: dads can be crappy to girls and boys alike.”
“But they can also be wonderful to both.”
“Just because you’re having a boy doesn’t automatically mean you’ll be an AH.”
“Start learning now and get ready for the chaotic wonderful years to come.” ~ Best_Tumbleweed6931
“The fact that you are afraid of becoming your father gives you a leg up.”
“You now know what NOT to do, and the fact that you are concerned about it will make you a better father.”
“But definitely let your wife know what your father did to you so she can also see if any of those behaviors manifest in you and help you put a stop to it.” ~ TribeFaninPA
“I don’t want to call you an a**hole, you’re dealing with trauma.”
“I had a shi**y mom and I know that even in my forties it still affects me in many ways.”
“Overcoming childhood trauma is HARD. It takes work.”
“But you need to do the work, and here you are studiously avoiding doing the work.”
“You’re walking around with trauma that your wife knows nothing about because you’re burying it.”
“You’re having a child with someone who doesn’t know all the fears you have about having a child because you haven’t told her any of them.”
“You can’t get over trauma without facing it.”
“And becoming a father is a good kick in the butt to start processing your trauma BECAUSE you want to break the cycle of abuse here.”
“All your wife can see here is ‘I’m really upset because I wanted my baby to have different genitals.'”
“Because that’s all you’re letting her see.”
“I’m betting she would be way more understanding if she could hear ‘I’m upset because my father was terrible to me, I went through terrible things, and I love our son so much that I don’t want to do that to him and I’m so afraid.'”
“And then start working through the trauma, with a therapist if possible, because it’s going to be better for your son and your wife and yourself.”
“Do it for him if you couldn’t do it for yourself.”
“Let that be his gift to you before he’s even here.”
“I get it… I was TERRIFIED of being like my mom.”
“I was afraid I would fall into that because I didn’t know how else a parent was supposed to be.”
“I might not have had a good model on how to be a mom, but I had a GREAT model on how NOT to be a mom… and that was enough.”
“I made plenty of mistakes, but I didn’t make THOSE mistakes.”
“And you won’t either, because you know how badly you don’t want to be that kind of dad.”
“Wishing you all the best as you go forward here.”
“Talk to your wife. Get some counseling.”
“Take the time to love yourself here.”
“You’re going to be a great dad to your son.” ~ 3kidsnomoney—
OP came back to chat…
“I’m not going to reply to all of the comments but I have read them all so thank you so much.”
“I am going to try and find a way to tell my wife about my childhood I’ve just never spoken to anyone about it before.”
Well, OP, Reddit has a lot to say.
This is a tricky situation.
It feels like you have a ton to come to terms with.
Some therapy would probably be a good idea.
Good luck.