Secrets always find a way to get free.
There are just some things in life that are too big to be secret.
And asking others to hold onto secrets can only complicate matters.
These are the situations where "the more the merrier" usually only leads to exposure.
Redditor ohboygollygeewiz wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for 'accidentally' telling my parents about my sister's pregnancy because I was tired of keeping the secret?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 F[emale]) have a younger sister (21 F)."
"We're not really close, but we're not enemies either."
"We always had a competitive sibling dynamic."
'About two months ago, she told me she was pregnant."
"It wasn't planned, and she was freaking out about how our parents would react."
"They're pretty traditional and can be judgmental."
"She made me promise not to tell anyone."
"Like, you cannot say a word until I'm ready, seriously. "
"I agreed, but I was hesitant about it."
"She still lives at home, and I visit my parents pretty often."
"My mom kept making comments to me about how my sister has been 'moody' and 'gaining weight' and asked if I knew what was going on."
"Every time, I had to pretend I didn't know."
"I started getting tired of keeping this up quickly."
"I also felt weirdly left out of everything."
"She wouldn't update me much, but expected me to cover for her constantly."
"I was lying to keep her cover, but I had no idea what was going on, and I felt used."
"Last weekend, my mom directly asked me if my sister was pregnant."
"I hesitated and finally gave in and said, 'I think you should talk to her.'"
"Which obviously confirmed it."
"My mom confronted her immediately. "
"It turned into a huge blow-up fight."
"My sister is furious and says I betrayed her and stole the chance for her to tell them on her own terms."
"I told her I didn't outright say she was pregnant, I just didn't deny it."
"And honestly, I was tired of carrying the secret around my parents."
"She says I made it about me because I was uncomfortable for a few weeks, while she's been dealing with something life-changing."
"Now she won't answer any of my texts."
"Part of me feels guilty because I did promise. "
"But another part of me feels like I shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I was ready to vote the other way, but then you got to how you told your mom."
"And she knew."
"Clearly, it was becoming increasingly obvious."
"It had been two months."
"The changes were apparently noticeable."
"If you had told your mom no, she probably would have known you were directly lying, and that wouldn't do anyone any good."
"So I have to say NAH."
"I understand why your sister is mad, but it's kind of on her."
"Two months is too long to keep it going under those circumstances."
"But that doesn't make her an AH, it just makes her someone who failed to figure out an effective plan in a reasonable amount of time before it would be obvious."
"Maybe the parents are AHs for being judgmental, but I can't confidently say that in this situation with the information we have." ~ buddyofbuddy
"Yeah, agreed."
"Two weeks, sure, you should've kept the secret."
"Two months?!"
"Sis will be showing pretty soon, so the jig will be up anyway."
"She roped OP in and then made it their problem." ~ legolaswashot
"Promising to keep a secret isn't the same thing as promising to lie to cover something up."
"NTA - there's lots of emotions/stress about this pregnancy, and I'm sure it's just being directed at OP."
"But OP - you did nothing wrong."
"You did not tell your mom she was pregnant."
"Your mom already thought she was because your sister's behavior suggested it."
"You didn't give it away, she did." ~ GiraffeThoughts
"Sorry, but the sister is an AH."
"OP didn't ask to be told, and despite having to deal with this for two months, there was no end in sight."
"OP was basically sisters prisoner in this."
"The mom guessed right, so NTA." ~ Organic_Start_420
"NTA. Your mother already knew."
"She was way beyond suspicious."
"She's the AH for asking you instead of your sister." ~ CPA_Lady
"Don't you think she had a daughter and denied it?"
"Come on."
"Pregnant sis lived there."
"She knew, asked, and tried another route."
"OP didn't do sh*t besides being caught in the middle." ~ tootleloo
"LOL. These people are comparing normal pregnancy secret rules to your sister, who clearly needs help not seeking help."
"Your mother knew."
"She was too chicken sh*t to confront her without you as the scapegoat."
"Your sister isn't some independent adult asking you to keep a secret til the second time—she's barely more than a child, not supporting herself, and now waits too long to have any options. NTA." ~ the_orig_princess
"NTA - it's pretty ridiculous that there are YTA calls here because HELLO!!"
"Your mom already knew, she absolutely already knew."
"And yes, your sister is allowed to be upset that her secret was out before she was ready, but you did not rat her out."
"You actually kept her secret as long as you could."
"I'm assuming your mom isn't blind if she could tell your sister was moody and gaining weight while LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE, she must see her every day!! "
"Whether you lied or not in that moment, your mom knew AND was going to confront her anyway."
"Hopefully, your sister gets the support she needs AND apologizes for putting you in this position." ~ Alive_Lion6571
"NTA. She lives in her house, and mom would find out eventually when a f**king baby is crying."
"Your sister was trying to hide something from the head of the house she lives in; that's messed up." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. I'm not sure how you could lie when directly asked."
"And when your Mom got to the point of asking, she already knew."
"She was mostly confirming that you knew... lol." ~ Yikesish
"NTA because she's living in their house."
"Like, did she think you could just show up with a baby and no one would notice?"
"Especially with her not being some scared high schooler, it would have been something to keep her secret for a week or two while she decided what to do, but months is ridiculous." ~ No_Aerie4466
"NTA, no way, no how."
"Your sister put you in an untenable situation- what, did she expect you to lie to your mom?"
"'Oh no, Mom! Sis is DEFINITELY NOT pregnant! Your sister is also guilty of treating her mother like an idiot.'"
"Enjoy the sister free/drama free interlude... she'll be back when she needs something." ~ PeppermintWindFarm
"I've been you in this situation several times with my sisters."
"It is frustrating to be put in that spot and not fair."
"Your response was neutral as much as possible."
"Your sister will come around because she will likely need to lean on you for some support once that baby comes. NTA." ~ Turtlesarewise
"NTA. One, you barely told your mom."
"Your sister is acting like you couldn't wait to unload the secret; you just were tired of lying."
"There's a huge difference between being asked to keep a secret and being asked to continue lying for someone else, ESPECIALLY when that someone else is not telling the people she lives with that she is pregnant and presumably will be adding a member to the household." ~ OrneryYesterday7
"NTA. The issue here is that your sister doesn't trust your mom enough to keep her informed about serious, life-changing things."
"It was never fair of your sister to expect you to keep her secret."
"It forces you to either lie to your mom or betray your sister's trust."
"Not a fair position to put you in at all."
"I mean, clearly your mom had already figured it out."
"Anything you said would have led to your mom going to your sister."
"The jig was up."
"How long did your sister expect to hide this?"
"How long were you supposed to keep the secret?"
"There shouldn't have been a fight."
"Only words of caring."
"Your family dynamic is f**ked, and that's not your fault."
"You did your best."
"Seriously, anybody giving YTA replies in this thread is just evidence of how immature and sexually repressed people are."
"I don't know what I expect from a country with this leadership. 🙄"
"This needed to be dealt with."
"Everyone knowing puts you all in a better position to prepare for taking care of a child, which is the most important thing here."
"So what you did was a good thing."
"You helped your nibling." ~ Aeon1508
OP came back with an update...
"To everyone saying I should've let my sister know I could no longer keep this up and that I wanted to be involved in the situation, I DID."
"I very clearly told her my concerns that mom was getting suspicious, and I could not keep this up for much longer, as it was eating away at me to hide it."
"Her response?"
"It doesn't matter, and she doesn't care how uncomfortable I feel."
"It's her decision and not fair to her."
"From my point of view, it was unfair to put me in this position in the first place."
"As for being involved, she appeased me with vague updates once a week through a couple of words on text."
"No solid plans for moving forward."
"I was just tired and done with it."
This is not your life struggle, OP, it's your sister's.
You didn't outright tell your mom; you told her to ask for herself.
Your mom should've just gone straight to your sister in the first place.
You did your best.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp