Rarely does one need to add theatrics at at wedding, particularly pranks.
But to each their own.
The problem with adding theatrics is usually people need partners in crime.
And not everyone wants to get their hands dirty.
Redditor thorwaway_47 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not wanting to do the prank the bride is asking me to do during her wedding ceremony?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (23 M[ale]) am one of the groomsmen for my best friend's (35 M) wedding."
"His fiancé (33 F[emale]) is a known jokester and likes pulling pranks that don't affect anyone beyond making us laugh."
"Stupid, funny things like this that she'd go out of her way to do to make us laugh."
"It's never anything harmful, and the farthest she's ever gone was 'accidentally' destroy the groom's shi**y Toshiba laptop, and surprise him with a brand new modern Alienware one that he had been saving for two years (she backed up everything and only destroyed the screen, so stuff could still be salvaged just in case)."
"Pretty sweet stuff, honestly."
"My friend is a bit more of the serious, logician type so she balances him out a lot."
"He finds her antics pretty amusing too, probably a driving factor in their relationship."
"Sorry for all this preamble, I'll get to the point."
"So, neither of them really care for the ceremony aspect of a wedding."
"They're going to get a courthouse wedding and save the money for a nice reception with only close friends and family."
"There's going to be three witnesses (me, the B[rides]M[aid], and the M[aid] O[f] H[onor]), and the wedding will have at most four to five more friends and some of the groom's family."
"The bride was all for this as she can get really anxious in big events like this, but she still feels like it's not something to really 'write home about.'"
"So, she wants to pull a pretty notable prank by having a dramatic objection or something during the ceremony."
"Since I'll be the only single one there, she wants me to do the objection thing, seem like I'm going for her, and then--plot twist!--vie for the groom."
"Then she wants us to do a sword fight for his hand???"
"I wish I was joking, but she and the groom actually have a sizable sword collection, and she said she'd get her MoH to sneak two of the smaller ones."
"The MoH (who was there while the bride was talking to me) interjected and said it was a stupid idea."
"Relief."
"She'd get fake swords since there could be issues in smuggling actual weapons."
"Plus, she'd run it by the officiant and whoever else she'd have to at the courthouse to make sure not too much of a commotion was created."
"Stress."
"I, admittedly, am a bit of a doormat and didn't outright say no at first and I was hoping the MoH would say something."
"Then, I realized I needed to pull my big boy pants and say no."
"Which, I did! Yay!"
"They weren't happy, and not in an angry way, but in a way that made me feel immediately guilty."
"Not yay. I stupidity offered to think of a different joke to pull."
"They've added me to a group chat, where I've constantly tried reiterating how I didn't feel comfortable with the pranks, and they'd try to reassure me, trying to get me to reconsider."
"The MoH is calling me an a**hole for not following the bride's wishes, as is one other mutual friend who the bride talked to about this."
"It's getting harder and harder to stick to my no."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. This is a weird thing to do, and you are not comfortable with it."
"Even if your friend is normally ok with his bride's prank, nothing guarantees he'll appreciate it on his wedding day."
"Better safe than sorry."
'She'll have a lifetime with him making pranks anyway." ~ IrrelevantManatee
"YOU DO NOT JOKE ABOUT ANYTHING VERBAL ABOUT THE CEREMONY!!!"
"There's a ton of couples who haven't been married because one of them said no instead of I do, thanks to this new pranking trend!"
"Asking if anyone objects is NOT just a routine question. It is serious business."
"You can ask around about how strict this is. I'm not sure, but you might want to ask the bride if she's willing to risk it." ~ blueoffinland
"Most ceremonies have cut the objections now, the marriage license is considered to have taken the place of needing to ask the community for problems."
"Objections were supposed to be like in Jane Eyre where the guy was still married to his wife locked in the attic, not the modern Hollywood 'Are you sure you don't love ME?'"
"Depending on local laws etc an objection may have to be investigated."
"Also, when I have had jury duty they were pretty clear about no fake weapons in the courthouse, this specific prank sounds like a good way to end up in jail." ~ Cayke_Cooky
"There can actually be legal issues in some jurisdictions."
"If an objection is raised, the wedding can't go ahead."
"I remember reading about a case where someone objected, and even though the celebrant knew it was a prank, they could not continue the ceremony."
"The court doesn't have time to waste on a 'fake sword fight.'"
"It would almost certainly result in the court refusing to continue the ceremony."
"Bringing any weapon, even a fake sword, into a courtroom could result in arrests, someone getting tasered, or even shot, especially if you start fighting with them."
"You need to get the bride to understand that any prank is a very bad idea and could have serious repercussions." ~ Acceptable-Bell142
"I came here to mention the sword thing."
"Even fake swords would probably not make it past security."
"And even if they let you in after confiscating fake swords, objecting at a wedding as a prank is classless and cringe."
"Even if the groom enjoys his girlfriend's pranks, this is their wedding day."
"I hardly think he'd appreciate a fake objection followed by a medieval reenactment of a Jerry Springer episode."
"The judge probably wouldn't either. NTA." ~ cbm984
"I wish people would stop and think of possible consequences before they plan dumb stunts like this."
"What if a bystander believes this is a real fight and decides to intervene?"
"You have to 'smuggle' in pretend weapons - what if you are caught and labeled a threat?"
"Why turn a wedding into a bad circus?"
"If you meant the 'no' stick to it." ~ omeomi24
OP responded...
"I think she intended it to be a very silly, stupid-seeming fight so that no one would actually believe it was a real fight."
"The Maid of Honor suggested one of those foam swords or cut-up pool noodles to seem like a sword."
"The bride and I are very crafty, so we could theoretically do it."
"Still, though, I'm going to stick to my no and probably help them think of a different prank to do during reception or something.
Reddit continued...
"That is the dumbest 'prank' I've ever heard."
"I would be pissed if I was at a wedding and that happened."
"I would actually get up and walk out."
"The bride is a jerk. NTA." ~ Correct-Jump8273
"NTA. Pretty sure she's going to have trouble with a courthouse wedding getting a judge to agree that this is cute."
"Actually, that could cut the conversation short."
"Call the courthouse yourself and find out if they'd even allow something this dumb." ~ Own_Lack_4526
"NTA. Ask her and how does the officiant feel about you wasting his time for a prank that's not funny?"
"Keep saying NO."
"If the bride wants to pull this she can easily invite another person to the ceremony who'd be willing to do that."
"Make sure you keep screenshots of all the chats where you say no, you won't do it because when this blows up, they'll throw you under the bus."
"Besides, it doesn't matter if swords are fake. If one person perceives them to be real, then the law says they are."
"It's no different than robbing a store with a fake gun." ~ wlfwrtr
"NTA. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but there was a story on here a while back where someone objected at a wedding as a joke, and somehow they made the ceremony unable to continue even though the groom was in on the joke."
"The bride was devastated, and the wedding funding was wasted on a ceremony that couldn't continue."
"The whole day was spoiled and non-refundable." ~ Nobody_asked_me1990
"NTA. This is something that would be fine if the bride, AND groom, AND you planned it to surprise and get a laugh out of the guests."
"It's extremely inappropriate for her to ask you to do this on both of their wedding day, at what is often the most emotional part of the day, without the knowledge of the person who is also getting married."
"Absolutely not."
"If I were in your position, I would refuse to do it, and I would also speak to the best man about the situation."
"I would also consider speaking to the groom." ~ girlyfoodadventures
"NTA. If they were hiring their own officiant to conduct the wedding in their backyard, she can pull whatever shenanigans she pleases."
"But if they're using a public facility such as a courthouse and the time and services of a court official, then it is extremely disrespectful -- to the officiant, to taxpayers, and to the next people who are waiting to get married on that day -- to waste time on nonsense like this.
"Your instincts are good."
"Stick to that no as hard as you can." ~ cpagali
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You shouldn't be forced into an uncomfortable situation.
This is a wedding, not a cabaret show or Galaxycon.
Maybe see if anyone can help you convince her just to have a wedding.
Save the pranks for the honeymoon.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp