Blended families where everyone loves each other and gets along is the goal, right?
Well, apparently some people don’t want everyone to get along too well. Or at least not better than anyone gets along with them
A father facing a jealous wife turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice, as this one was flagged by the OP for, and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA.
However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
MostPapaya8365 asked:
“AITA for defending my stepdaughter against my wife’s cruel comments?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Hello, Reddit. I really need urgent help and advice about my situation. All fake names of course.”
“4 years ago I (43, male) met my wife Katherine (44, female). We had been dating for 1 year before introducing each other to our respective children.”
“I’ve got three kids from my last marriage, two twin boys Joshua and Alex (24, male), and my daughter Emy (soon to be 22, female). Katherine has a daughter Lila (also soon to be 22, female).”
“I was a bit scared for the first meeting 3 year ago, scared that our children wouldn’t get along, but it wasn’t the case at all, especially with Emy and Lila.”
“They immediately bonded, because they had the exact same interests: video games, mangas/animes, writing, reading gay chinese novels (yeah, they really said that the first time they met).”
“And even with the boys, they all really got along great. 1 year later we got married and Katherine and Lila came to live with us. It worked perfectly: good harmony, good repartition of chores, very good times together.”
“I heard about nightmare blended families but it wasn’t the case at all, everything was really great, especially between the children. They all live at home for their studies.”
“Emy and Lila are like best friends since meeting 3 years ago, they have their own inside jokes, they’re sharing everything: clothes, makeup, an enormous bookshelf full of their shared books.”
“They help each other with homework even though they are not in the same field at all. They are really really close and it’s really beautiful to see.”
“So, onto what I think started the problem. Lila doesn’t have a father figure in her life, she never knew her dad. And after three years of knowing each other, she started to call me dad, which is a great honor for me.”
“But with my children and Katherine it’s different. They have their mother in their lives, so when Katherine tried to be ‘mom’ for them, they gently told her they didn’t need another mom, but they were glad she was their stepmom.”
“Which exasperated her greatly. I reassured my wife the best I could by saying that they love her still, but I remembered her saying to me ‘Why can you be dad for my child, but I can’t be mom for yours?’.”
“My children felt bad for her sadness, but they couldn’t do anything. They are in their twenties and already have a mother.”
“But recently my wife made a lot of comments against her own daughter specifically, and that’s what’s upsetting me. My children are really polite and kind with Katherine, but it’s true they bonded more with Lila, which is completely normal—it’s a girl their age.”
“Lila gets along with everyone in my family: my parents, my sisters, my kids’ cousins (she’s even part of the ‘cousins gang’). Even my ex-wife likes her.”
“But recently my wife is saying things like ‘at least one of us is blending well into the family’. Or ‘everyone loves Lila, looks like I’m the black sheep of the family’. I really need to specify, my wife was never left out by my family, they love her too, so I don’t know where those comments came from.”
“And Saturday her comments reached a breaking point. We were alone, the boys were out with their friends and the girls at a weekend convention.”
“So I prepared a date night for the both of us. At one point she said ‘You know Lila is lesbian, right? Aren’t you scared when she’s around your daughter so much?’.”
“I know Lila is lesbian, she told me herself, my daughter knows too. Emy is hetero, me too, but we never had prejudices against Lila at all, and they were still close and best friends even after acknowledging that fact.”
“So I said the same to my wife ‘Yeah I know, and Emy too. Emy and Lila see each other as sisters, so no problems here, why are you saying that?’ She seemed surprised and said, ‘I thought you didn’t know’.”
“Later in the evening I opened my mail and we received our family photo we took a few days ago the 6 of us. I put it in a canvas. My wife glanced at it and said something that stunned me : ‘At least I’m the one that looks like I’m the part of the family. It’s my consolation prize’.”
“It appalled me so much, because you see, I’m White, my children are too, Katherine is White too, but Lila is mixed race with curly hair. And I didn’t want to assume anything racially motivated by what my wife said, so I asked her what she meant, and she said smiling, ‘You know, we all look alike except her’.”
“I was shocked to my core, I couldn’t believe it. I was so shocked that I couldn’t help to say ‘What is wrong with you? How can you say stuff like that about her? She’s your daughter you can’t say that’.”
“She became really angry, said that I have no right to decide what she can say or not say, that what she said wasn’t a big deal, just the truth, that it was simple and innocent comments, that I was an a**hole to be on the defensive every time she says something about her own daughter.”
“She exploded. She took a bag and did go to her brother’s Saturday evening.”
“The girls came back Sunday from their trip, happier than ever. Lila asked where her mom was, I couldn’t tell her the truth about what happened, so I just told her that she was visiting her uncle.”
“My wife sent me a text a few hours ago: ‘I’ll come back when you’ll apologize and when you won’t be so defensive about what I say about MY daughter’.”
“But do I really have to apologize? Am I really the a**hole for defending my stepdaughter?
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong, but was missing an important part of the conversation with his wife.
“Uh, no. Your wife just told you she is not only jealous of her daughter, but also homophobic and racist and really mean spirited.”
“Can’t unring that bell.” ~ sylbug
“And don’t forget that she thought she was outing her daughter to OP without her daughter’s knowledge. That’s as wrong as what she said about her daughter.”
“What a disgusting excuse for a mother.”
“I think the fact that OP’s wife was not aware that her daughter had already come out to OP and probably all of his children and hadn’t even considered the possibility of it says a lot about her.”
“She is only interested in the surface levels of these relationships. That’s why she can’t understand why OP’s kids won’t call her mom. The deeper emotions that they feel for their mom are alien to her.”
“Just like OP’s paternal feelings for his stepdaughter are alien to her. ALL of her relationships are shallow and self-serving because she just doesn’t understand deep emotional bonds and doesn’t seem to be capable of forming them. Or capable of relating to people who can.”
“I don’t know if therapy can fix that level of broken.” ~ Puzzleheaded_Army316
“OMG… I was so disgusted by a mother being racist and jealous of her own child… that I clearly glossed over the fact that she gleefully was trying to out her own daughter to her husband.”
“Probably so he would be concerned about his daughter and their close relationship with each other?”
“So she is insecure, vindictive, and jealous of everyone? You would think as a parent you would be so happy and grateful that your kid is getting along with your new husband‘s kids and that they welcome each other into the families they have and into the family they are creating together.”
“She is a walking red flag right now. She needs some serious therapy before she does irreparable damage to her daughter personally and the mother-daughter relationship.”
“Luckily, the daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions and I’m guessing if there is a divorce… Stepdaughter is going to want to stay with OP and his kids as they have accepted her unconditionally regardless of her mixed race or same sex relationships.”
“Crazy to think that you would be shunned by your own mother, but fully accepted and loved by these new people who came into your life just a few years ago!” ~ tamij1313
“The fact this ‘mother’ had the audacity to demand an apology from OP. Un F-ing real, she would be seeing a medical professional to remove my foot from her a** if she was related to me.”
“And this is coming from someone who grew up with a narcissistic mother, so I understand what it’s like to have your mother be jealous of you. In case it wasn’t clear, IT SUCKED.” ~ Wrong_Moose_9763
“NTA. She’s one of those closeted racists. And she excuses it by saying that she can’t be racist because she has a mixed raced child.”
“She can say whatever she wants about her daughter, however so can you, she’s your stepdaughter and you have a right to defend her. Even if it’s from her own mother. She’s mad because you are standing up for her daughter.” ~ SheMeHerTheMom
The OP provided an update:
“Wow, I wrote that post, I did go to bed just after, and I woke up with tons of advice and nice comments.”
“Thank you very much for all your words, especially the kind ones about Lila, she deserves it. Sadly I can’t respond to everything, but I read all your comments!”
“Everyone here said what I feared, but what I know is the truth: my wife is jealous, racist, and homophobic against her own daughter.”
“And with everything, I didn’t realize something that some of you pointed out: she tried to out her daughter to me, thinking I didn’t know, to try to damage my relationship with Lila and our daughters’ relationship. That’s messed up.”
“Thank you again for reassuring me that I did the right thing.”
“You guys are right. I definitely should talk to Lila first about what happened, and I will. As some of you suggested, I sent a text to the four of my children asking them to directly come home after classes because we need to talk, just us 5.”
“I will contact my wife after the discussion with my children. I will ask her for marriage counseling, therapy for herself and her issues, and a sincere apology to her daughter.”
“I already asked my parents if they could take the kids when this moment arrives. I don’t want the children at home hearing everything.”
“And don’t worry, I would NEVER abandon Lila, she’s one of my kids. Even if my wife and I separate, she can absolutely stay here with me and her siblings, and I will tell her as such during our discussion.”
Confronting hard truths about someone we love is never fun.
But it looks like this dad is on the right path for the best outcome for everyone.