Content Warning: Pregnancy Complications, Stillbirth, Grieving Mom, “Reborn” Baby Dolls
Some parents have experienced what it feels like to be parents without having a living child in their home to “show for it.”
While some people will push them to heal and move on, some struggle with this more than others, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway_awww6326’s cousin lost her child in a stillbirth delivery, and she was deep in the throes of grieving the loss of her baby and the motherhood she’d looked forward to.
To cope, she adopted a “reborn baby doll,” but when she continued to care for it months later and expected it to attend important events with her, the Original Poster (OP) was not looking forward to telling her that she was not comfortable with her cousin’s doll attending her wedding.
She asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I be the a**hole) if I told my cousin that she cannot bring her ‘reborn baby’ to my wedding?”
The OP tried but struggled to be understanding about her grieving cousin’s “reborn” doll.
“I (25 Female) am getting married in about a year. The date is set in 2026.”
“This is about my cousin, Shelly, who is 28 (Female). Shelly gave birth a little over a year ago, and the baby was a stillbirth.”
“She is still mourning, and soon after, she got a ‘reborn’ baby doll (it’s a very realistic doll baby), and that thing freaks me out. She acts like it is a real baby and brings it everywhere.”
“I understand she is mourning, but I am not comfortable with it, and during family events, I ignore that whole situation. It is not uncommon that she has family members hold her baby when she goes to the bathroom.”
“I always refuse to do so, but other family members will and have gotten scolded for refusing to take care of the doll if she needs to do something. She treats it like it is a baby, and I find it creepy.”
The OP’s cousin’s expectations for the doll continued to escalate.
“Today was a family event, and she brought it to the family picnic. During pictures, Shelly brought the reborn baby in the pictures and refused to put it down (her mom asked), and it started a mini-argument. The reborn baby stayed in the pictures.”
“Later, I was talking to my sister, whose child is going to be the flower girl for my wedding. I was discussing getting photos before the wedding and just focusing on the group picture for the wedding.”
“Shelly said it would be cute to do photos, and her ‘baby’ could be propped up for the pictures.”
“After this, I realized I do not want that doll at the wedding. I don’t want my family members to have to take care of a doll, like they already do at family events. I don’t want to have to fight her not to include the baby in photos.”
“I also find it so creepy and just don’t want it at the wedding in the first place.”
The OP wasn’t sure how to start the conversation.
“I can’t really go to my family for opinions on this because I know this will get back to her.”
“My future husband is on my side with this, but I want some other opinions.”
“I need to know if I would be a massive a**hole if I told her not to bring her reborn baby to the wedding.”
“WIBTA? AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the grieving cousin needed therapy, not a plus-one wedding invitation.
“She needs a therapist, and I say this kindly. The fact that she treats her doll like a real baby is a sign that she needs professional help.”
“You could try to speak to her, but odds are, it’ll probably cause a confrontation, and she may even refuse to attend your wedding completely.”
“You’re well within your right to ask her not to bring her doll, but I don’t see her complying, unless maybe your family backs you up?” – d33psix
“Those dolls are meant to be used in conjunction with therapy. It’s supposed to help with the initial empty-arm feelings of grief. Not to be a crutch, relied on for years, building a fantasy that the whole family feeds into. This is moving beyond therapeutic aide into unhealthy delusion.” – Apprehensive_War9612
“NTA, your cousin needs therapy. Tell her she cannot bring the doll. Be prepared, though. She is going to get extremely upset and start getting family members on her side.”
“If you decide to do this, it will be no means no for all your family members, and that your cousin and a few other relatives might not come to your wedding.”
“I would suggest that you start working on comebacks, like, ‘My cousin needs therapy, not a doll,’ and, ‘I’m not ok with family members being scolded during my wedding for not watching a doll,’ and ‘I love my cousin, and she needs therapy,’ etc… Good luck.” – Suitable_Doubt7359
“Cousin is grieving so badly that she’s delusional at this point. That’s bad but understandable. What isn’t is everyone around her acting like the doll is real and this behavior is normal. Cousin needs therapy, and everyone else needs to come out of denial.” – lovemyfurryfamily
“NTA. Your cousin needs intense grief therapy.”
“Grief is awful, and everyone deals with it differently and on their own schedule. But this cousin, using a doll surrogate without any other help (that we know about) to accept the death of her child, seems wrong.”
“I question the cousin’s version of reality. If she is to ever have a live child, she needs help now to get her through this. One child doesn’t replace another, but that living child deserves a healthy and present mother.”
“OP is NTA.”
“My aunt had what I refer to as her ‘trauma bear.’ It did come to weddings. He had a tux. She would pay for a seat on the plane for him, the whole nine. The trauma she went through completely negates anything anyone might say about the bear for me.”
“That being said, she knew she had a stuffed bear, not real, and that people thought it was weird and that he was not going to be in things like wedding photos.”
“It’d be wildly different if the OP’s cousin were in that headspace and just wants something to hug, but she’s not. This is not that.” – booksycat
Others agreed and said the OP was NTA, while others were enabling the cousin’s struggles.
“NTA. Your cousin needs help. The people around her, accommodating this behavior, are doing her a disservice.” – Shanny0628
“I bet the family doesn’t want to rock the boat. They’re complicit in her sliding this far and not getting help, because none of them want to be the one responsible for doing anything.”
“The fact that they’ve let it get to this point means they’re essentially encouraging it or at the very least going along with it instead of getting her help. It sucks for everyone, and currently it sucks for you, OP, but you’re far from an AH for feeling this way.” – Agreeable-Car-6428
“I will at least say, other family members are indirectly confronting her, but she isn’t listening.”
“They’ve said no to holding the baby, and she gets angry.”
“Memorial Day, the cousin’s mother confronted her and asked her to put the doll down so they could have pictures without it. She got angry and had an argument with her mother.”
“The family is trying to walk the line of supporting someone who’s grieving but being firm about setting some boundaries. The cousin either isn’t listening or isn’t able to get past her grief.”
“If it’s the former, they all need to agree on how to handle it, and they need to hold the line. If it’s the latter, if the cousin isn’t ABLE to move past it and let go of the doll, then she needs in-patient treatment.”
“Saying no for this wedding and encouraging her to go anyway may be a very reasonable next step.” – throwaway798319
“Hopefully, at some point, the grief will become bearable for this cousin. But having her in a bunch of pictures with a doll will be a constant reminder of her grief and likely embarrassment when she ‘wakes up’ from the delusion. It’s not kind to play into this delusion.”
“It’s one thing to have the doll as a memory of what was lost and even something to hold while you say goodbye.”
“It’s another to change its diaper and carry a diaper bag for something that isn’t real.” – kirste29
“Enabling her dysfunctional behavior to continue this long. This is a great disservice to her and to her mental health. Instead, they need to be advocating therapy and grief counseling.”
“I would be uncomfortable with her at a wedding, especially with her packing around her pseudo-baby and her expectations of it to be fully present in photographs or video, if you are doing a wedding video.”
“If you can… Say no children allowed, unless in the wedding party. That is, if you won’t offend other parents, too. You might consider a babysitter provided for children under… whatever age you prefer.”
“I would prefer a no-child wedding, but that is just me.” – Opinionated6319
The subReddit struggled to process the situation the OP was watching unfold with her grieving cousin. They empathized with this grieving mom and her inability or unwillingness to let go of her stillborn child by cherishing this “reborn” baby.
That being said, they also felt that the baby was preventing the OP’s cousin from facing reality and coming back to her own life where she could heal and move on.
Perhaps by not allowing the baby doll to attend the wedding, if enough family members were willing to speak up, perhaps the OP’s cousin would begin to understand that what she was doing wasn’t working and that she needed to try something else.