Expectant parents have a lot on their plates.
There are so many decisions to make before a baby arrives.
So many things that they want to get right.
One of the most consequential decisions is a baby's name.
That's a topic that can draw some ire.
Usually, a lot of people have an opinion on this particular issue.
And that can be a problem.
Redditor MixtureDelicious7757 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for defending my sister's right to keep her baby's name secret until after the birth?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My little sister is pregnant with her first baby and our family of parents, other siblings, and even aunts and uncles, are all going crazy wondering what name she's going to give her little one."
"My sister has been asked and she has made it clear the name is not going to be known by anyone but her and her husband until after their baby is here."
"We all know she's having a girl and our family has some very strong ideas about names."
"I think one of the reasons she's so quiet about her choice is because our family tried to get me to change the names of my three children and they were rude about my children's names; Piper, Rowan, and Skye."
"My family prefers classic/royal family names."
"My kids do not have those kinds of names."
"The fact my husband and I announced the names before the birth really went badly for us."
"We were both sick of it each time."
"But we'd forget ourselves with the excitement of each pregnancy and we'd announce because we loved the names."
"Of course, my family never put anything negative online because the reaction there was very positive."
"I have an idea of what my future niece's name will be."
"Well, I have two actually, and neither name is something my family would approve of."
"It makes me SO proud that my sister learned from me and decided to keep quiet on the name."
"Our family keeps s**t talking about it though and they're also trying to make her give in."
"They say she must have some horrible name picked out and doesn't want to be told they need to change it."
"Or they're under the belief she has chosen the name of someone they dislike."
"But I think the former is the more popular thought amongst the family."
"I have defended my sister each and every time the rest of the family starts this s**t."
"I told them she and her husband have every right to wait to announce the names, that most people wait and it makes sense given their (my family's) reaction previously."
"This became a fight with my parents who told me they have every right to know beforehand."
"I said they don't."
"Only the parents of the child have that right and not all babies get named beforehand anyway."
"They told me it wasn't my business anyway and I returned that it's also none of theirs."
"They are the ones trying to go against my sister and B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw]'s wishes."
"I told them my sister has the right idea and they need to accept it and stop before they push her away or have limited info about their new granddaughter."
"They told me I was being crazy and acting like they were doing something wrong which they are not, in their mind."
"They told me I better not have been a bad influence on her with names."
"I rolled my eyes."
"They got so mad at me that they told me I owed the family an apology for how I have been treating them."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your Sister and BIL are absolutely in their right to keep the name a secret."
"They DID learn from what your parents put you and hubs through."
"Good for them." ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
"Absolutely. A pregnant friend explained it to me once as this."
"If you tell people the name before the baby is born everyone feels they can weigh in on it and give their opinions freely."
"But if you present an actual baby and say, their name is X, most people (or those with some common manners at least) will be more circumspect about criticizing the name (at least to your face!), as it feels more like a criticism of the new baby."
"And most will also recognize that this is the name and it won't be changing, so it's too late to say something now."
"So if you're set on the name, and know it may draw unwelcome comments, definitely wait until the child is born." ~ Duhallower
"NTA, grandparents injecting themselves into picking the name if they weren't explicitly asked about is extremely insensitive and intrusive." ~ Plokhi
"Yeah, we learned about this the hard way."
"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] was deadset that I had to have a boy and very dead set on a particular boy name."
"Even though we knew we were having a girl we didn't tell her the final name that we picked for our daughter because of how she was acting about us having a son."
"And it wasn't just a preference it was you must produce me one."
"It must be this name out wasn't even a family name so I don't blame your sister for keeping quiet."
"My sister kept quiet when she had her son and my sister-in-law smartly kept quiet with her kids as well learning from what happened with us?" ~ Skankyho1
"NTA but, for your peace of mind, stop engaging."
"Let them throw a tantrum if they want, they will achieve nothing."
"Besides, placing boundaries is about what you do: don't tell them 'stop doing this,' say 'If you do/mention this, the conversation/visit is over.'"
"Perhaps having real consequences will drive the point home. Or not."
"But you won't have to get a headache." ~ SneakyRaid
"Not the a**hole and someone needs to back those parents into a corner and explain to them that the choice of the baby's name is NOT THEIRS TO MAKE and they can either accept that these are their grandchildren's names or they can f**k off and live lives sans grandbabies to play with."
"Seriously, that's some toxic behavior from your parents and if you or your sister were ever to decide to go low/no-contact I'd totally understand." ~ Random-widget
"NTA. Are they this shi**y about everything involving their grandkids?"
"After the first incident with your first child's name, I'd be kinda done with them."
"What a**holes." ~ Mukduk_30
"NTA. There's nothing wrong with helping keep a baby's name secret at your sister's request even if your parents were normal and respectful."
"But seeing how disrespectful and bullying they are toward your sister helps solidify the fact that you're doing the right thing here."
"Your sister has drawn a boundary and good on you for helping enforce it."
"I don't know what is wrong with your parents but they seem incapable of treating either you or your sister with respect."
"I'm sorry you have to deal with their appalling behavior." ~ cascadia1979
"NTA... How far into the pregnancy is your sister?"
"Your family is not going to change, so to save your sister's sanity, I would give her a fake name."
"Then no more asking about names."
"Baby born, introduce real name."
"Their reaction is on them." ~ Worth-Season3645
"Your parents sound insanely toxic and if your sister is having trouble fending them off, I would suggest she very explicitly mention that info diet and L[ow] C[ontact]/N[o] C[ontact] is on the table."
"They have NO right to know the name in advance."
"In fact, I would go so far as to say they have no right to an opinion on your children's names or your sister's child's name, other than 'that's a lovely name.'"
"They are wildly out of line insinuating that you picked 'bad' names for your children."
"Shut this s**t down hard and fast. NTA." ~ ksarlathotep
"Definitely NTA."
"Your sister and BIL have every right to keep the name to themselves, even if your family wasn't as intrusive as they're being."
"They obviously have trouble respecting their (and your) decisions when it comes to your children, and they don't realize how detrimental it could be for them if they're hoping to have any relationship with the baby."
"Maybe it's time you make it clear that neither you nor your sister appreciates their behavior by showing them some consequences." ~ vixen-in-vegas
"NTA. They have zero rights."
"They are delusional for thinking that."
"Don't let them manipulate you tho think you're in the wrong."
"Your sister and you might think about distancing yourself from your parents until they calm down and have realistic expectations." ~ Continentmess
"NTA, and they are being intrusive and ridiculous."
"It's not their right to know the chosen name or to give their opinion about the name when they do learn it."
"THEY could learn from past experience too; this is the consequence of how badly they treated you with your children's names." ~ ParsimoniousSalad
"NTA - they are bullying your sister to try and make her crack."
"Good for her for standing her ground." ~ Visual-Lobster6625
"NTA Your family is nuts."
"I have a wonderful, supportive family and we still didn't tell anyone our kids' names until after they were born."
"We didn't want to be locked in until we filled out the birth certificate, but there was also a little drama with a friend who thought she had the perfect name picked out."
"We just shut her down and refused to share the name." ~ Busy_Researcher_9660
"NTA. Only tell people the names if you want them ruined."
"As soon as you tell someone a future child's name they'll say 'Oh I know a so and so. He went to prison for murder' or 'Doesn't that sound a bit like [insert medical condition]' or 'Oh that sounds a bit exotic. You don't think the kids at school will have trouble saying it?'"
"They'll probably end up being called [insert horrible rhyming name]." ~ Lollipopwalrus
"Your sister learns from your mistakes and knows exactly how the family will react if she says anything ahead of time."
"Definitely NTA for defending her." ~ WinEquivalent4069
"NTA. The baby name posts here reinforce that I live in a world seemingly filled with a**holes."
"Keep sticking up for your sister."
"Your family is full of fiends… I am sorry." ~ LastyearhereXXVL
Well, OP, you're sticking up for your sister and BIL.
Keep doing what you're doing!
It sounds like your sister needs all the help she can get.
Good luck.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.