A family member's true colors can show amid high emotions in times of grief.
One Redditor went through a tough time being the sole caretaker of their mother due to a sibling whose spouse was resistant to lending a helping hand.
Upon the mother's death, the relationship between siblings became more strained which led the Redditor to seek judgment on the "Am I the A**hole?" subReddit.
There, Redditor New_Imagination1109 asked:
"AITA for telling my brother to get out and taking his b*tch of a wife when he asked for some of our mom's ashes."
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My mom used to live near my brother, she was a quiet person in general and after dad died was lonely."
"She wanted to have dinner with my brother and his family often. His wife (Cara) didn't like that and they agreed to do it once a month."
"Mom started to have issues and would send panicked texts and went to the doctors randomly. Around this time his wife made a lot of post about how she was an attention seeker and was making up problems. That she was trying to cause a wedge in their relationship."
The OP continued:
"My brother stopped visiting our mother. It was everywhere and I do not like Cara at all."
"When this started happening I decided to visit my mom (live in another state). It took me a day to realize something was wrong. Took her to the doctors and she had dementia."
"I informed the family and became the main caretaker. Cara continue to make post or comments that she is faking it. My brother stood by her the whole time."
"I literally begged him to come visit before she passed on. She was cremated and I have the ashes. He didn't even come to the viewing."
The OP then presented the dilemma.
"This is the issue, he and Cara showed up asking for some of our moms ashes. I told him no, that he didn't even see her before she died. This started an argument against the two."
"By the end of it I told him to get out and take his b*tch of his wife with him. He has been calling me a jerk and telling me I have to apologize."
"The family is torn, some are saying f'k him and Cara bit other are saying I would give in because it's his mom also"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA, Your brother made his choice and he chose poorly. He deserves nothing. They have the same energy as my younger sister."
"She was really abusive and awful to my mother most of her adult life and she continued after my mother got diagnosed with cancer and traveled internationally more than she came to visit. Then she engaged in some performative bullsh*t at her funeral." – Philip_J_Fry3000
"NTA."
"At this point, why does he even want her ashes? I feel like his wife wouldn't even want them on display in her home. I think he's realizing just how much of an a**hole he is being viewed by the family and is asking for the ashes to save face and appear like a caring son."
"If he didn't even come to the viewing/"funeral" I really don't understand why he would want the cremains." – thatmidwesterngothic
"He's also probably riddled with guilt and by performing some kind of reverence to her ashes, he can tell himself he properly cherished her." – VanessaClarkLove
"They probably want to make some trendy memorial jewelry and use it to act like they cared." – AroundTheWayJill
"From OP's description, I think this is a likely answer. SIL saw some beautifully made (and expensive) tchotchke and likely has no access to anyone else's ashes for exactly the same reason she's being pushy about these."
"Of course, I'm so petty that I'd resist capitulating just long enough to collect some cigarette ashes to 'begrudgingly' hand over with a 'last thing you'll ever get from me - any further attempts at contact will be treated as harassment' statement."
"Bonus points if the jewelry maker doesn't realize/care about the difference and makes the gew-gaw anyway. Bonus bonus points when you inevitably cross paths because they 'had no idea you'd be at this thing you always go to' and you can let them know about the old switcheroo and that Mom was lovingly added to the soil now nourishing the beautiful flower garden you have growing out front."
"Bonus bonus bonus points when the chains you buried in the soil get wrapped around the car wheels as they drive through to destroy the completely Mom-free flower bed."
"OMD the catharsis I received just envisioning all that... ahh..............." – Gadgetskopf
"NTA whatever you decide, but just remember that the dead don't give a f'k what happens to their remains. If your mother had expressed wishes for her remains that involved you and your brother then you can honour those of course, but ultimately she doesn't give a sh*t now - sorry for your loss, but that's the fact."
"Your brother didn't show respect during her life, so he doesn't deserve respect after her death, is my opinion."
"Personally, I think I'd probably just say 'Oops! Scattered them already!' if asked again..." – Own-Kangaroo6931
"I read the title and hoped I could say N T A. Then I read the story, you are so much NTA!!"
"I would ignore anyone saying 'what would your mother want?'. Funerals and cremains are for the living, and as brother and SIL chose not to be there before or after her death, that means they have no say. So do what is right for you."
"As for your mother's wishes, I don't think they are important. Obviously ignoring specific requests would be an AH move, but with no specifications, don't get out a ouija board to divine what she would have wanted."
"Because here's the thing - whatever your beliefs are and wherever she is or isn't, there is one thing for sure: she has no use for that pile of dust anymore. It has served it purpose to her. Use it in whatever way brings you comfort." – kimba-the-tabby-lion
"If his mother had been explicit about her wishes, then I believe he would have an obligation to follow them. And based on how OP uprooted his life, I'm willing to wager he would have honored those wishes."
"Because he saw his mother as his mother her whole life. The brother does not in any way deserve special consideration. He showed who he was when it mattered. A very little person with no character. F'k him and his wife."
"NTA." – Rabbit-Lost
"Imo, funerals/what is done with a person's remains are done to comfort the living. Doing what a person would have wished to be done is a form of comforting those left behind by honoring the person and 'giving them a final gift,' while hoping others will do the same for them when their time comes."
"Your brother opted out of participating in her care when it mattered and didn't do anything in the aftermath of her death. You chose to stay as your mother's family, he left."
"It might be of greater comfort to you to keep her ashes where they will be respected and cared for, rather than knowing that a piece of her will be going into a home with a woman as callous and unwelcoming as Cara and a man who neglected and abandoned your mother to die." – derpy-_-dragon
"When my mother passed last year, one of her siblings, the one we both went NC with for her rabidly right wing views, the one who lives on the other side of the country and hadn't visited for 30 years, the one who when she called my mother for anything, my mother would see the caller ID and not even say hello, just 'what do you want.'"
"THAT sibling asked for some ashes. While my mother was still alive! Asked their other sibling, who told Mom. Who in turn, told me like 'here's a story you'll get a kick out of...' "
"We both had a good laugh. She died three days later."
"NTA." – ok_terra_dactul
"NTA - I know there is a lot to be said about being the bigger person, but I'm also a big believer in taking responsibilities for one's actions. Your brother decided to ignore and neglect your mother during her life, he didn't even show up for her viewing in her death."
"People can say it's his Mom too, but where was that thought process when it actually mattered, when she was alive and he could show her how much she meant to him? What purpose does having her ashes serve him now?"
"It seems it's just a way to assuage his guilt for how he treated her in life, and that's not your responsibility." – Ok-Acanthaceae5744
Overall, a strong majority of Redditors sided with the OP for not acquiescing to their brother and sister-in-law's request.
They also admonished the brother and Cara for not being a part of their mother's lives when the OP could've used more support in an emotionally distressful time.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp