I worked from home before the pandemic forced a lot of people to do it for the very first time. As a confirmed introvert, I prefer to work from home.
What I don't like is people thinking being at home means I'm not really working, and I don't have a schedule I keep.
A young man whose sister also devalued his work-from-home job turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Throwerrrrr777 asked:
"AITA for refusing to babysit my sister's kids after she said my career isn't 'real work'?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (26, male) work from home as a freelance graphic designer. It's a flexible job, and I can manage my own hours, but that doesn't mean I'm not busy or working hard."
"My sister (35, female) has three kids under the age of 7 and is constantly asking me to babysit. At first, I didn't mind helping out occasionally, but lately, it feels like she's taking advantage of me just because I'm at home."
"A few weeks ago, we were at a family dinner, and my sister made a comment about how 'I don't have a real job' and that 'I'm basically just playing around on my computer all day'. I was pretty offended, but I didn't want to make a scene, so I just laughed it off."
"The next week, she asked me to watch her kids again because she had something come up. I told her I couldn't because I had deadlines to meet."
"She got upset and said, 'You're home all day, what could be so important? It's not like you're doing real work'. That was the last straw for me."
"I told her that if she didn't think my job was real, then she could find someone else to babysit, and I wouldn't be helping her anymore. Now, she's furious and says I'm punishing her and the kids over a 'harmless comment'."
"My mom has been telling me to just let it go because 'family helps each other out', but I'm honestly still pissed. She does help out too, but nowhere near as much as I do because she lives a little further away."
"AITA for refusing to babysit after my sister disrespected my job?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I told my sister I won't babysit for her anymore and because she relies on me for babysitting."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"As a former full-time graphic designer with an in-home business, the very last thing on the planet I would want to deal with during a business day is three kids under the age of 7."
"The problem is that you let this happen the first time, so she thinks it must be easy and you don't mind doing it. A solid 'NO' would have shown that you are doing a real job and can't be bothered with her kids all day."
"She made the kids, she gets to deal with the kids. They are her problem, not yours. You aren't her babysitting service."
"Your mom sounds like she's open for the job. Sister can take the kids all the way to her house instead. Problem solved. NTA." ~ thewoodsiswatching
"Your sister's comment was disrespectful and undermining your work. If she can't appreciate your career, she doesn't get to take advantage of your time. NTA." ~ BaddieonFleek
"Funny how people only cry '...but FaMiLy!!' when it's convenient for them. Where was the family when she consistently disrespected you & your job?"
"Tell all those people who are bothering you about it that you'll tell your sister you have good news! They volunteered to watch her kids because family helps family, right? NTA." ~ Immediate-Ad7531
"NTA. if she feels this way then you can take your fake time with your fake money that you made from your fake work and spend it on people who respect you and your career." ~ throwraforffs
"It was not a harmless comment. NTA for pushing back on babysitting—her demands on your time would only escalate if you had not put a stop to it."
"I'm thinking your mother doesn't get it either if she feels you should continue to babysit."
"Graphic design is highly time-consuming. You don't kick out a design in 15 minutes." ~ Mamijie
"NTA—family does help each other out, but that doesn't mean that she gets to sh*t on you."
"And also, you are justifiably punishing her, but not her kids. If she has this big 'real job', then she can pay for childcare." ~ Saintx77
"NTA—it's not A harmless comment. It's several comments she keeps repeating! I would send her some memes about not biting the hand that feeds you."
"Just tell your family she was right, and because of what she said, you applied and have been offered a ''real job' at a small office-based company, so no more babysitting since you won't be home anymore."
"Watch her face drop! It will be priceless. Then carry on working from home at your small office based company of one." ~ Nervous-Tea-7074
"NTA, and so nice of your mom to immediately volunteer herself for babysitting."
"I am curious, though, what kind of stressful high-end job does your sister have that she can't pay for childcare and still has the gall to look down on freelancers?" ~ Suspicious-Dog-5048
"I get so sick of 'family helps each other out' being used to excuse crappy behavior. If your mom really believes that and is not just running off at the mouth, tell her she needs to look after her grandkids then, because 'family helps each other out'."
"As for your sister, let her know that your unreal job pays your unreal bills and your unreal job allows you to do your unreal work at home. Tell your sister she needs an unreal job too, so she can stay home and keep her own kids. NTA." ~ LosAngel1935
"NTA. You may work from home, but that means you're WORKING. You're not available to babysit during your work hours.
"And your rude sister isn't entitled to free babysitting outside of your work hours either." ~ teresajs
"NTA. The audacity of your sister to undervalue your work, just because her pea-sized brain can't comprehend it, and then having the guts to ask you for unpaid childcare is appalling."
"Plus tell your mother to help out your sister more if she is so concerned." ~ anonybaby02
"I get so tired of hearing people complain about the responsibilities of being a parent, when they CHOSE to be a parent!"
"I get needing a break sometimes, and helping her out, but that's just mean of her to say about your career. She's been taking advantage of you. You don't deserve that. NTA." ~ Lumpy_Ear2441
"I have a big issue when the help being offered out of the kindness of one's heart gets confused with something that is required."
"There's nothing in your sibling contract saying you're required to babysit her children every single time she asks, especially if it conflicts with your schedule and she's being a jerk." ~ cea9248
"And she chose to have kids not just once, but 3 times. Where is the father? Why can't he watch his kids?" ~ Mykona-1967
"Tell your sister that since you don't have a real job, but still have bills to pay, that free babysitting is over. She'll have to pay you like a real job. NTA." ~ mamabear-50
"My sister, her partner and my eldest child are graphic designers. If you're good at this job, you can earn very decently, but it involves hard work, a lot of fiddling to get the angle, the writing, the light just perfectly, a large amount of people skills to work with clients, and a lot of time."
"Don't let her guilt you into being her unpaid babysitter at the expense of your own work. She's a big girl, she can figure something out. NTA." ~ MapHazard5738
"NTA. Tell your mom she's got to help out more now."
"I would say something like, 'Wow, Mom, thanks for offering since you say that "family helps each other out", you need to help out a lot more, because I need help to no longer be babysitting so my career doesn't suffer. Thanks for offering to do so!'."
"And then when she says she can't for whatever reason just say, 'why are your excuses more important than my legitimate reasons?'."
"Every time someone tells you that you should babysit, thank them for offering to babysit your sister's kids and give them your sister's phone number. Use their words against them." ~ Dull-Field2550
"Yeah, where was your mother when your sister was making a rude comment, then demanding you babysit and doubling down on her rude comment?"
"Your mom just didn't want to babysit, or help her daughter. She'd rather you do it. NTA." ~ New-Link5725
"NTA—give your sister an hourly rate that's reasonable for your work, and tell her she can pay you that if she wants you to babysit—since your work 'isn't real work', she shouldn't have any trouble paying you for it." ~ 7hr0wn
"NTA. Your sister's kids are her responsibility, not yours. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you're available to be her personal babysitter whenever she feels like it."
"Your job may be flexible, but that doesn't mean you aren't working hard or that your time is any less valuable than someone working in a traditional office. It's incredibly disrespectful for her to dismiss your work as 'not a real job' while expecting you to drop everything and help her out."
"Her comments weren't 'harmless'—they were dismissive and undermined the value of your work and your profession. You're well within your rights to set boundaries, especially when someone repeatedly disrespects what you do."
"Just because you're family doesn't mean you have to tolerate being treated like your work and time are less important. Helping out family is one thing, but being taken advantage of is another."
"You're not punishing her or her kids; you're simply refusing to be treated like your time doesn't matter. She should find another arrangement that doesn't involve demeaning someone else's profession."
"Stand your ground—you're not in the wrong for wanting your work and time to be respected." ~ anxiety_watermelon
They say time is money. OP's time has value that his sister seems not to appreciate. Maybe she'll respect a paid childcare provider's time more since "real jobs" are a requirement for her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp