We would all like to be able to ensure that our loved ones will always be okay, especially after we’ve passed away.
But we can’t expect other people to feel the same way we do, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
And Redditor FairyDare absolutely did not see eye-to-eye with her parents after her disabled sister had an affair with her fiancé.
When her parents were shocked at her refusal, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being selfish.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to give my parents the peace of mind that my sister will be well cared for when they’re gone?”
The OP had a terrible history with her sister.
“I’m 34. 10 years ago, I cut my sister out of my life after she cheated with my then-fiancé.”
“It was a two-year-long affair that only came out when I caught them.”
“She was pregnant and pretended it was the result of a one-night stand.”
“They both knew I would never forgive them if I found out.”
“According to my ex, they were hoping I would love being an aunt and it would be easier to carry around behind my back if I was busy with the baby.”
Then the new couple experienced multiple tragedies.
“They ended up getting married and having two kids.”
“Then three years ago, my sister was involved in a car wreck, and she suffered life-changing injuries.”
“My parents stepped up to be her full-time caregivers. She will never be able to take care of herself.”
“About a year later, her husband/my ex died. Their kids went to his parents while my parents became my sister’s legal guardians.”
The OP’s parents later needed help with care.
“A few months ago, they started dropping hints about wanting me to step up after they’re gone.”
“Then a month ago, my parents called and asked me to meet them.”
“They said they worry what will happen to her when they’re gone or even if they are no longer able to care for her in a few years.”
“They wanted to know if I would take over, either by putting her in a care facility and making sure she is cared for, or physically taking care of her myself.”
“I said no. That they needed to figure something else out but I would never do a single thing for her again and that hadn’t changed because she became disabled.”
The OP’s parents did not respond well.
“They took it okay at first.”
“Then a week ago, when I hadn’t called to change my mind, they said I was TA for not doing it for them.”
“They wanted me to give them the peace of mind if nothing else, because even after what she did, she is still their daughter and she can’t advocate for herself.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was absolutely not obligated because of the history.
“Go live your best life. There’s no point in caring for someone if you don’t have enough empathy.”
“In the heat of the moment when five things are going wrong, how are you going to react? I believe not well bc you have no patience for this stranger.”
“She made herself a stranger.”
“You know that a healthy boundary is to not place yourself in that position. It’s safer for your sister too.”
“A facility will be fine. It isn’t the same as at-home care but it is what it is.”
“These issues don’t deserve to rent your headspace. I feel bad for your parents.”
“It’s a tough life. They can’t demand you sacrifice your life for her.” – LadyK8TheGr8
“NTA, she’s not part of your life, nor do you have any obligation to care for her. She made her bed when she decided to sleep with him.”
“That sounds a bit cold, but regardless. She made her choices and they just have to accept the consequences of her actions.” – Lazylindy
“I think you are doing the right thing, OP, being clear you are not a care option. This gives them more time to plan.”
“You’re actually being kind to them by being upfront, even though they do not recognize that right now.” – Repulsive_Nature_104
“NTA and don’t let them guilt you into anything you don’t want to do.”
“Your sister is to blame here, and while her situation is tragic, it changes nothing. You have no obligation to be a parent to the children of your ex and your sister.”
“Your parents should understand how painful that would be to you.” – DoNotWeepAtMyGrave
Others agreed but said a person isn’t automatically required to care for someone else.
“Even if she hadn’t wronged you badly in the past, becoming a caregiver for someone is a huge undertaking.”
“I’m not sure if they were asking you to cover the care home financially either (if that was what ended up happening), those costs can be insane.”
“Your parents are in a very difficult spot but it’s not right for them to be pressuring and guilting you.” – poo_explosion
“Even if the parents put their money into a trust fund for Sister and OP put her into a care home, there is still a lot of responsibilities as Sister’s legal guardian.”
“If anything goes wrong at the care home or government disability grants, it is on the OP to advocate for her sister. If a medical decision needs to be made, it will be on OP to advocate for her sister’s health.”
“If the trust fund runs out of money, it will be on OP to remedy that somehow.”
“Taking over the sister’s care is not a one-off that OP can just hold her nose and dump her in a care home. It is a continuous responsibility that will go extend years into the future.” – MizuRyuu
“NTA even if she hadn’t blown that bridge to smithereens, you wouldn’t be obligated to commit to being her caregiver. It’s a huge ask.”
“It’s literally multiple full-time jobs to take care of someone whose injuries require that level of support (I’m assuming, since she was unable to get custody, needs guardians herself, and can’t advocate for herself).”
“They’d be asking you to sacrifice huge parts of your life for someone who couldn’t show even a little remorse about cheating, and outright lying.”
“Quite frankly, managing your parents’ emotions and anxieties isn’t your job either. They’re the parents here, even as an adult, it’s not your job to take care of their emotional well being.”
“If anything, the obligation for those roles is reversed.”
“It’s true that she’s still their daughter, but that relationship isn’t more important than the unbelievable harm she did you to as a sister. Her role in their life isn’t the only one.”
“And this isn’t about your parents, reframing it that way was a bit manipulative. They’ll have to accept that she’ll likely need to live in a care facility in the future.” – JustheBean
“NTA. You’re not responsible for your sister. She betrayed you and you said that you would never talk to her or care for her back then.”
“You are holding your promise. It’s not your fault that she got into an accident and ended up this way.”
“She is the one that ruined your guys relationship so why should you feel obligated to take care of her? Just because she is disabled?”
“Your parents should put her in a nursing home before they die. And have the fees be transferred over to her late husband’s parents because they got her kid.”
“In a way this is karma coming back to bite her in the a**.” – TheShining02
“NTA. Even if your sister hadn’t committed the ultimate betrayal and had an affair with your SO it would still NOT be your responsibility to care for her.”
“Like you said, if your parents want peace of mind then they need to make arrangements on their own that don’t involve you.” – Ariyanwrynn1989
“NTA, your sister made her bed and lied in it. She should have thought about something like that happening before.”
“Your parents job is to take care of her because they brought her into the world. The world of siblings is different and if you cross an unforgiving line then no you will not be forgiving and taking care of her.”
“They can set her up in a care facility but she isn’t your responsibility.” – karma2420
“NTA. Beyond the obvious, and beyond the (kind of stupid) debate about whether she’s reaping what she sowed, even if you were on good terms with her, uprooting your life and/or finances to care for her would be a big ask.”
“The fact that she’s no longer even your sister means that your connection to her is severed. She already upended your life once.”
“That’s the maximum number of times you can do that to someone. She should have saved it for when it counts.” – ExtremelyLongButtock
Some were appalled the parents would even ask.
“Tell your parents they need to work out their finances so they can place her somewhere. Idk (I don’t know) why they need to put that on you.”
“They can make sure she’s taken care of when they are gone or no longer able to…”
“The bottom line is she needs care. So why does it matter who does it? They can do all kinds of research now and pick the best facility.”
“NTA – don’t blame you for one second for saying no.” – Adviceisonthehouse
“NAH. They can ask, but you can say no. Even if she were nice, that is a massive lifetime responsibility. They have care homes for people.”
“Your parents should be arranging that now, not waiting until later. At least they should get her on the waiting list.” – Unit-Healthy
“OP wouldn’t be obligated even if her sister hadn’t betrayed her, but with the backstory, their parents are sure AHs for trying to guilt OP into this after what her sister did.”
“The parents need to figure out future care for the sister as if she were their only child. NTA” – m2cwf
“NTA. I’ll also go a step further and say your parents aren’t right to do this. It’s not wrong for them to want what’s best for your sister but it is definitely wrong for them to guilt-trip you into taking care of someone you hate.”
“I’m sure they wish their two children got along better but that’s just simply not the case and might never be the case. You’re not wrong for not getting past that awful betrayal.”
“Also – being the full-time caregiver to someone is no joke. Even if you were on great terms with your sister, it’s not a given that you’d take care of her.”
“Many would, but I don’t think anybody is wrong for not wanting to completely change their lives for someone.” – dj26458
“NTA, a bit presumptuous that your parents think handing off that type of responsibility to you is appropriate… especially since it’s not just when they are gone, they want you to do it in a few years.”
“Essentially they are bringing this up cause they are already tired and looking for an easy/inexpensive way out.”
“Honestly there are other options for her, and you are entitled to not have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing. It’s a huge commitment to take on being the legal guardian and caretaker of a disabled adult.” – whipped_pumpkin410
“Have you asked your parents how they feel about what she did to you? And asked them, as vile as what she did, how they can expect you to pretend that nothing happened?”
“Have you asked your sister, if tables were turned, if she’d take care of the person who practically ruined her life?”
“I’m not at all saying that this is the case but in a lot of families, with more than one child, it seems like there’s a ‘favorite’ kid. I’m definitely not saying that she is that but it’s hard not to wonder with such a huge request!” – punchygirl-1381
Though it’s not wrong for parents to want to ensure their children are cared for after they’re gone, they have to know to read the room.
The subReddit agreed no one should be required to care for someone else, given what a big responsibility it is, but it especially shouldn’t be required for someone who shares such a terrible history.