When a person finds love, the person they want to spend the rest of their life with, they hope their friends and family will accept and embrace the person as they have.
Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
Sometimes, the animosity is justified because their beloved is a destructive force in their life and their friends and family want to protect them. But sometimes, it’s their friends or family who are the problem.
A husband dealing with a toxic family situation turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Imogeniusmoreno asked:
“AITA for not making the trip cross country to meet my nephew because my family are a**holes to my wife?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Hi. My family hates my wife.”
“They don’t like that she took me away from the east coast. She was bigger when we met. She didn’t go to a good school. She doesn’t want kids. She’s too girly then not girly enough. She can seem cold at first because she is a little reserved. And on and on and on…”
“It has been hard. I was close to my brother. But he led the charge early on because she called him out for something and he didn’t like it.”
“My little sister is the most neutral. I’ve tried to talk to them about it so many times, but eventually just realized it wasn’t going to change. I love my wife. I have no regrets.”
“This past Christmas will be the last. They didn’t give her any gifts, excluded her from the cookie party, and I caught mom and my aunts talking about her twice. I got us early flights and took her skiing.”
“Her dad loves me. We have weekly cigar walks. Her mom drops by just for hugs. Her brothers and I have our own group chat. Her sister baked me a f*cking birthday cake. It should be this way with my family. I’m trying not to be all emo, but this sh*t hurts.”
“My brother (the favorite) is having his first child in July. They have asked me (not us) to come meet him. I told them no. I’m sick of the bullsh*t.”
“Unless everything changes, I’m not going to waste my money. Mom got on the phone and told me I don’t have to bring her, I should just come myself. I said no, we’re married, we’re a package deal.”
“She twisted it to, ‘Oh, so she won’t let you come unless she comes too?’ and I told her no, I’m saying this. I’m sick of them treating her like sh*t. It’s Jerry Springer levels of trashy.”
“Dumb thing to say and it set her off listing all the grievances they have with her. Some of it is just stupid. She carries a water bottle wherever she goes. Yeah, mom, she’s from f*cking California. We all do.”
“Dad jumped in to back up mom and accused me of holding adult problems against an unborn child. Said that I’m really going to not be a part of my nephew’s life because my wife can’t get along with the rest of the family.”
“This is what I’m stuck on. Am I wrong?”
“I do want to be in my nephew’s life, and it isn’t his fault. But it feels wrong to reward them because it just won’t ever end.”
The OP later added:
“[My brother] made a snide comment about her being Apache and how ‘they’ were all the same to him, and it didn’t matter if she was Apache or Comanche or ‘Cheesechokchok’ or something like that. She called him out directly and he overreacted like crazy.”
“He’s the favorite, so they took his side. The craziest part of that is that it’s not how my family is.”
“Like, I know we have all been doing reflecting after everything in the world the past years, and my family was always on the left side of things and standing up for people who don’t look like us.”
“It really, really shocked me when he said that, and that my family immediately backed him up.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my family that I’m not coming to meet my nephew because of the way they have treated my wife. It makes me the a**hole for holding a grudge against a kid who hasn’t been part of any of this.”
“That’s why I’m the most concerned. I don’t want the kid to come into the world owing a debt, I guess.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
Originally there were mixed reactions to the OP’s post, but once he revealed his family is racist, Redditors called out not only his family, but also the OP for keeping them in his life. Especially when his wife’s family have fully embraced and accepted him.
“So your brother was being racist, and dismissive, and she rightfully defended herself. Gotcha.”
“Wow. That’s not something you can walk back.” ~ EmploymentLanky9544
“So your family is racist against Native Americans. Great. Like the water bottle comment wasn’t enough to piss me off. Your family is trash. Sorry not sorry.”
“Speaking as an Indigenous person, ask them what if he said that to a random Native American person on the street, and that person defended themselves and said he’s racist. What then?”
“Maybe show this to them and tell them that he was being racist towards Native Americans.”
“And our tribes are our heritage. For him to dismiss that and joke about it is f*cking disgusting.”
“You should say, ‘well, with my brother as a father, that unborn child is probably going to grow up to be racist, so why would I care to meet them?’.” ~ SassyNerdGirl
“STOP TIPTOEING AROUND YOUR BROTHER’S RACISM!”
“They’re trying so hard to deflect the real problem, and that’s acknowledging your brother’s ignorant a**! There are so many comments asking you why you’re dodging the subject, and it sounds like you don’t want to address it, but your wife deserves support after the stuff your brother said.”
“Your family can be as far left as they want; that doesn’t absolve them of racism. I get that it’s hard, but either you go no contact or call your family out on being complicit in racism and trying to paint your wife as the problem.”
“Stop straddling the fence, because a kid isn’t going to change anything. You’re the adults, now act like it.” ~ Ok_Bit1981
“Oh, no. You need to just go completely no contact with them. They are racist, and it sounds like you have all the family you need with your wife’s family.” ~ MrsBoo
“I guess you found out your bio family is a set of closet racists. Hypocritical ones too who pretend to be all progressive—but only when ‘people who count’ are listening.”
“When people show you who they really are, believe them.”
“Holding it against your wife for defending herself against a racist tirade? OMG. You lose nothing going no contact with those dreadful people.” ~ MistySky1999
“Racists exist in every group, even liberals. The fact that your family seems to tolerate folks of different races and ethnicities right up until they marry into your family does not mean that your family isn’t racist.”
“The demand that your wife not be present in the nephew’s life is the opening move of raising the next generation of racists.”
“I’m sorry that your family hates your wife more than they love you. I’m happy that your wife’s family loves you. Go where you’re loved.” ~ Neither-Effect-6101
“There are a whole lot of people who can take up for the people who don’t look like them in the abstract, when they are talking about whole communities or population groups, but when it’s right there in their house?”
“Everything changes. Their tolerance ends at their front door.” ~ ThePurplestMeerkat
“For some, it’s the ‘I’m not a racist, but…’ type of racism. I think your family may be those types.”
“These kind don’t want people enslaved or even necessarily openly discriminated against, but they also don’t want anyone who is ‘other’ in their intimate spaces, like married into their family or ‘tainting their bloodline’.”
“They are the types that ‘can’t be racist cause I have a Black friend’. People of color (or from any other marginalized community) are fine in small doses, as long as they can leave them on the outside where ‘those people’ belong.” ~ moew4974
“I started reading the comments, wondering if your wife was maybe of a different skin tone or ethnicity from your family, and hey, whaddaya know—there it is.”
“Because racism has definitely turned out to be a thing in some previous AITA posts where a similar thing has happened. The whole family being completely against someone’s spouse and acting like a**holes towards them when said spouse has done nothing wrong?”
“More often than not it turns out that the ‘problem spouse’ is a BIPOC and the a**hole family are White. You might tell yourself, ‘But they’re not racist…’ because of the platitudes you heard growing up.”
“But aren’t they, though? Your brother’s racist comments were the litmus test, and your family all failed.”
“I’m glad you’re standing up for your wife. Her family sounds awesome. Yours sounds better off being blocked. NTA.” ~ Dishmastah
“Your brother could have said, ‘Sorry, that was an insensitive/rude/ignorant joke’ (if he thought he was ‘just kidding’), but instead he does what most people do when called out for their racist jokes and microaggressions.”
“He flew off the handle because HOW DARE SHE call his racist comments racist‽‽ And your family all jumped on the offended wašíču bandwagon.”
“His racism tanked your wife’s relationship with your family because now she’s the evil witch that dared to call him racist. So even her breathing will offend them.”
“As an Indigenous person, I prefer the right-wing hood wearers to the neoliberal ‘some of my best friends are…’ people. The first admits they’re racist.”
“The second does or says racist things out of ignorance, but then declares war on the messenger when their behavior gets called out. Their self-image as righteous crusader is the most important thing to them, not the people they claim to be crusading for.”
“Anyway, as so many have already told you, your family warped from offended neoliberals to racist trash by keeping the vilification of your wife going to soothe their fragile egos. Why do you want those people in your life?”
“Grow a spine and send the lot of them—each one individually, including your sister—a clear message. In writing, so they can’t interrupt or manipulate you.”
“Lay out the timeline of their racist behavior, from brother’s ‘joke’, their reactions to the fallout, until now, and make it clear their disgusting, disappointing, racist behavior is why you—just you, not your wife—decided you don’t want to see or hear from any of them until they can recognize what they did and sincerely apologize to your wife.”
“Then go no contact. Maybe your sister will make the right choice and do that. If not, she’s the same as the rest of the trash.”
“You have a loving, accepting new family who doesn’t cause you pain. Why are you clinging to the one that does? Why do you keep rewarding them for bad behavior? Why would they change when there are no consequences?”
“As for your nephew, he’s not going to know you visited until he’s at least 2-3 years old. Maybe by then, some or all of your family can get their act together.” ~ MohawMais
As stated in the think piece about microaggressions, But Where Are You Really From?:
“People recognize bigotry in rallies by hate groups, burning crosses, white hoods and Nazi symbolism.”
“But they often fail to recognize it in their own biases.”
“Because most White people see just genocide, lynchings, and other extreme acts as the definition of racism, they’re appalled by any suggestion that anything they say or do is racist.”
OP may be struggling to recognize his family’s racism, but it was clear to outside observers.
As many have advised, it may be better to cut off ties with people who only bring conflict and unhappiness into his life.
But he needs to recognize the truth and tell them why he’s not going on this trip—they’re racist and he doesn’t want to associate with their kind.
Rip the band-aid off, OP.