Sharing food isn't everybody's thing.
Which doesn't always go over well with a snack-deprived significant other.
That can be a relationship minefield.
Redditor Gym_frere wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to share my food with my G[irl]F[riend]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"The Lord of the Rings is doing a theatrical rerun in my city, so I (27 M[ale]) and GF (27 F[emale]) decided to go watch The Two Towers (extended edition) last night."
"We do not currently live together."
"There's a bar that I really love right next to the theatre."
"I asked if we could go to this restaurant after the movie because I really wanted to get this specific dish - it's lattice style fries that are fried in beef tallow, covered with green onions, bacon, house seasoning, and come with the best hollandaise sauce I've ever tasted in my life."
"You can get fries for one (smaller portion) or fries for two (much larger portion) for a couple extra dollars."
"She didn't realize that the movie was nearly 4 hours long, and it ended at around 10 pm."
"By this time, she said she was tired and didn't want to go to the restaurant anymore."
"I said that's ok, and asked if I could order my fries to go."
"She said that that's fine."
"I asked her if she wanted any, and she said no, so I ordered the fries for one."
"I checked with her again before I ordered, and she said she 100% didn't want any."
"We went to pick up the fries."
"She caught a whiff of it and asked if she could have a few."
"No problem, they are very delicious, and I let her have some."
"She then asked if we could sit outside the restaurant to eat the whole thing together."
"I said no, I asked you if you wanted to have some, and you said no, and if you wanted to eat some, you should've told me so I could've gotten the fries for two, and I don't want to share the fries for one as it's a smaller portion."
"She got really upset and said I'm being selfish and refusing to share my fries."
"I said that yes, I am being selfish, but in this case, I really wanted the fries and just being honest, but I don't want to share in this instance."
"She's since cooled down, but this morning we had a call, and she said that next time I should just share it with her, and I said I'm happy to share any time but not in cases like this, and she should be more careful about saying what she wants."
"She's upset with me again now."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, am I the AH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I'm so SICK of people who do this."
"Order your own f**king fries and don't cry when people quite rightly don't want to share." ~ faerieW15B
"I see this often with the Princess type."
"Now, I know that this behavior could happen with non-princess types too, but I'm just saying the Venn Diagram overlap is large with princess types."
"I'm a woman, and the princess-type women around me will complain about stuff like this."
"From what I hear from these types, it comes down to 3 things with the food sharing: 1) Tired, too tired to notice hunger."
"2) Hanger, blocked access to food, which made you realize you're hungry, which makes you angry."
"3) Not liking being told no."
"That's about it. Sometimes there's a fourth in there about not wanting to 'look like a pig' by eating like a bird, but then 1-3 kick in right after."
"Like, damn, Princess type, you need a servant to tell you when you're hungry and need a snack?"
"Work on recognizing your own bodily cues instead of waiting until 'food' literally appears and you decide you need some." ~ spacestonkz
"Exactly. Take responsibility for your choices, girl!"
"You say you don't want fries- think that through first- they'll probably smell good, you'll probably be hungry later and want some."
"Don't make that his problem; take responsibility and solve it yourself." ~ SirEDCaLot
"Exactly. And on top of that, he DID share."
"He gave her a couple of fries to be nice."
"She's the one who wanted the entire half of his order. NTA." ~ emergencycat17
"My ex used to wait until I was alllllllllmost done eating something and then ask for a bite."
"Here I am, eating my snack, saving the best part for last so I can enjoy it like a mini-ritual, and this motherf*cker swoops in at the last possible second and goes, 'Can I have a bite?"
"No matter how many times I explained it to him, he continued to do it and continued to get offended when it aggravated me."
"'I just wanted a taste, that's all!'"
"Then why didn't you ask when I was just starting?"
"Why wait until I have two bites left and ask for one of them?"
"Sorry. I might have just gotten a little worked up there."
"I'm happy to report my current partner is an adult capable of using his words AND capable of getting himself his own damn snack when he's hungry." ~ SharMarali
"NTA. For the people here saying, 'You should have just bought it anyway,' no."
That just reinforces annoying behavior."
"She's an adult; if she were really that hungry, they could have ordered another single portion." ~ PugGrumbles
"NTA. YALL infantilize women on this app every f**king day, and I'm SICK of it!!!!!"
"He asked multiple times."
"He even shared, after she said NO."
"At what point does NO not mean NO anymore???"
"If she didn't want any, she doesn't get any."
"If she wants some, she should say yes."
"This notion 'share anyway, always buy women fries, don't y'all love your partners, y'all have sex but won't share food order more even when she says no' — ALL of this rhetoric infantilizes women and tells men to ignore women when they say NO?!??!"
"I f**king hate this conversation."
"If someone asks if you want something and you say no, you lose the opportunity."
"Regardless of your gender."
"OP, you're not the AH, and you didn't even have to share, but you did! She needs to grow up!!" ~ bitter-scorpio-02
"NTA. She specifically said she didn't want anything TWICE before you ordered."
"She doesn't get to be upset that you don't want to share your meal FOR ONE with her."
"She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own actions." ~ Khantahr
"NTA. Your girlfriend was behaving like a toddler."
"You asked, more than once, she declined."
"If she wanted some so bad, SHE should have gone back into the restaurant and gotten some."
"Like a grown-up."
"Not pout like a baby." ~ GigiGenX72020
"Exactly! She needs to grow up!"
"The girl had plenty of chances to get her own portion of fries and just kept saying no until she could smell them."
"That's not on anyone but her at that point."
"Maybe predicting the obvious future of fries being made will make anyone hungry."
"I hate immature people like the gf in this story." ~ LikeACycloneCloud
"Noooooo NTA."
"People act like this on purpose."
"You checked in with her SO. MANY. TIMES. to try to get her some fries!"
"Her turning around like this and demanding YOURS is completely deliberate."
"She's trying to see how far she can get you to bend." ~ Flat-Replacement4828
"NTA. Sharing your fries is what you did when you gave her a few."
"Splitting an order of fries is what you offered to do, and she said no to before you ordered, when you'd have got the double portion, and you'd both have had ample fries to make a meal out of them."
"She's acting like you were selfish and greedy when you listened to her, and were willing to give her some of your fries even though she'd said she definitely didn't want any, but weren't willing to give her half of your single-person portion, because you had been expecting to have supper around 10 PM, having known how long a movie known for being really long was..."
"And really, nothing was stopping her, at the point she'd had a few fries and her stomach woke up, from popping in and getting herself something to go too." ~ Useful_Language2040
"NTA. It's a major pet peeve of mine when someone tells me that they DON'T want something, but then want to share mine afterwards."
"No, just no."
"I don't think it's cute or romantic; it's just highly annoying." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"NTA, fries for one should not be shared."
"In my opinion, even fries for two should not be shared because fries for two are really barely enough fries for one."
"Signed, I need at least two fries orders for myself."
"But if you were sitting outside the restaurant, the easy solution would be split that one and order another round of fries." ~ Dizzy_Needleworker_3
"NTA and she's had ample opportunities to say she wanted something, and she's not a child."
"Don't just order her something."
"You can offer that she place her own order if she changes her mind after you have your food." ~ keesouth
"NTA. My husband has specific treats in the house that he buys for himself, and he's told me not to eat."
"I have never eaten them."
"You shared a few fries."
"If she wanted more after that, she should have bought herself some." ~ thatoneredheadgirl
"NTA. You gave her multiple opportunities to have her own fries or even order the fries for two."
"Her childish behavior is not something you have to suffer." ~ MonsterofJits
Reddit is with you, OP.
Order your food when you have the chance.
Sharing fries can be a relationship dealbreaker.
Your GF just learned a hard lesson. Sorry to hear she was a little salty about it.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp