Having babies is supposed to be a joyous time.
A new generation of family is being born.
Happy, happy, joy, joy.
Until grandparents start butting heads.
As helpful as mom and dad can be to new parents, their help sometimes comes with requests…
And the amount of drama that can ensue when sets of grandparents go to war with one another is immeasurable.
Case in point…
Redditor Senior_Buyer7288 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for being ‘racist’ to my in-laws?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“By in-laws, I mean my daughter-in-law’s parents.”
“So ~2 months ago, my daughter-in-law (F[emale] 26) gave birth to my lovely grandson.”
“My family and I are Bulgarian Orthodox.”
“Before my grandson was born, I told my son and his wife that I’m going to pay for all baptismal expenses and any childcare expenses for the first year, as long as they gave the kid an orthodox name.”
“They both agreed without much consideration.”
“They named him David Antoiné.”
“David is the orthodox name and Antoiné in honor of the Uni professor who mentored both my son and his wife and who sadly passed away during the Covid pandemic.”
“The thing is, while my daughter-in-law converted to orthodoxy, her parents are atheists of African origin (Ivory Coast) who moved to France.”
“They really wanted their grandson to have a traditional Ivorian name.”
“So two months ago, when the baby was born, and they found out about the name and the deal, they threw a massive fit, directed primarily at my wife and I.”
“Name calling, cursing, accusations of racism…”
“And frankly, I wasn’t having any of it.”
“I told them that they were insensitive and insulting to not only my religion but also that of their daughter, to their daughter’s decision, and to the mentor of both their daughter and my son.”
“I told them they are uninvited to the baptism due to their behavior unless they apologize to the parents of our grandchild.”
“Both my son and his wife agreed with my decision.”
“The baptism is next week, and while I’ve been in no contact with them, my son says from the discussions they’ve had they’re still pretty angry and unwilling to apologize, but they said they will come to the baptism whether I like it or not.”
“My sister tells me I’ve been acting like an a**hole towards them, and I should let them join next week if they show up.”
“I maintain that they will not be allowed at the after party.”
The OP was left to wonder,
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“Definitely YTA for using your money to manipulate the outcome you wanted with your grandchild.”
“In regards to your in-laws, it’s unclear if you’ve given them any other reason to think that you’re racist.”
“Frankly, you strike me as an unreliable narrator.” ~ SparrowValentinus
“I 100% agree, however, it may be that the Orthodox priest wouldn’t wed them if they were not both Orthodox, and I say this as an Orthodox from just across the border from OP.”
“Someone in my family married a Catholic (or some other flavor or organized religion, I honestly still don’t know, and they were not religious hence what happened).”
“But since the country is something like 98% Orthodox, the priest didn’t even think to ask whether they were both Orthodox.”
“I believe this means they’re not married ‘In the eyes of God,’ but it didn’t matter to the couple. They just did the tradition for tradition’s sake.”
“However, I’ve since been to a couple of other weddings where even the godparents were asked if they’re Orthodox and baptized!”
“Of course, you could always lie (especially if you don’t believe ), it’s not like it’s a legally recognized right to have records or anything, but maybe OP’s daughter-in-law didn’t want to?”
“But it’s very likely it was pressure from OP, given the ~Orthodox saint name angle; just wanted to give my opinion since I’m somewhat familiar with the religion and this type of religious people.”
“Who knows, maybe OP told the priest D[aughter] I[n] L[aw] wasn’t baptized, so she was forced to do it so they could marry.”
“This flavor of Orthodox is whack. The way we do confession is to kneel under the priest’s ceremonial robe and basically confess to his whole crotchal area all of our sins.”
“WHACK. OP is unreliable and one of those religious nuts I keep away from.” ~ ThisIsAStrawberrey
“I bet she/the husband insisted on a traditional church service, which would be contingent on the couple both being of the faith.”
“And she’s now just running with that to force the wife to raise the kid the same way by manipulation and money.”
“If I were the atheist parents, I’d be peeved too.” ~ ThatScottishCatLady
“Yeah, honestly, this seems like a really stupid argument.”
“‘I wanted my grandkid to have a cultural connection to MY thing, but the other side of the family wanted the same thing, so I told them I already bribed the kids, so they’re going with my thing.'”
“‘Why are her parents mad at me?'”
“Also, why are YOU inviting/disinviting people to your grandkid’s baptism?”
“That’s the couple’s decision, in my opinion; you’re coming off as a pretty demanding and controlling person ‘I had this image in my mind of how my grandson is going to be, and that’s that.'”
“I would be mortified.”
“You’re not racist, though. That’s on them for projecting… unless you have a history or something.”
“Some people like to claim racism over every little interpersonal disagreement between people of different races.” ~ DWsharky
“Here is my thing that I don’t think has been discussed enough: Antoiné is also a saint.”
“OP’s assertion that they needed to include David in order to have a saint name is incorrect.”
“That is where OP’s intentions start to feel a little suspect.”
“If Son and DIL originally intended to use an African name with Antoiné, I can see OP throwing money at the situation to prevent that because OP has already admitted to withholding funding (i.e. for the baptism reception) when they don’t get their way.”
“And now OP’s extreme reaction is cutting out her parents altogether.”
“If OP doesn’t want to look explicitly racist, they need to look at their implicit bias.”
“The fact of the matter is, we have seen OP is an unreliable narrator.”
“I’m curious what other details they conveniently left out.” ~ msklovesmath
“They wanted the money and clearly didn’t care about restricting name choices to get it.”
“Hell, since both of the baby’s parents are orthodox, they may have already planned to give the baby an orthodox name and just accepted the money for a decision they made prior.”
“All we know is that there was an offer to pay if the name fell within the guidelines OP set.”
“And OP’s son and DIL took the deal and still have their child a name that was important to them, the baby’s actual parents.”
“The real problem is OP saying that the baby’s other grandparents aren’t allowed at the baptism.”
“OP isn’t the parent, they don’t control what goes down and who is invited to the grandchild’s baptism.”
“They can request that certain family is invited, but they don’t control the guest list, especially for the in-laws who are invited.” ~ i_need_jisoos_christ
“But that’s just it… OP used their money to control the name, the baptism, and the first year of childcare.”
“So because OP is paying for it, OP has decided they have control over it and can disinvite whoever they want.”
“OP is YTA for using their money and religion to control others.”
“OP sounds insufferable.” ~ Ell-O-Elling
“So I looked it up. The AVERAGE childcare cost for a year in France would be around €10,200.”
“That is not a small sum of money and can really make a difference, especially in a young family right now.”
“A lot of people would have a hard time passing that up.”
‘Add to that the knowledge that OP would be upset and disappointed in their child for any name they didn’t approve of, and the son and DIL were stuck between a rock and a hard place.”
“Also, OP YTA big time!” ~ Momma4life22
“Well said. YTA.” ~ Possum_Potato
OP came back with some info…
“Hello, this post really blew up, and it’s a bit overwhelming.”
“Many people are calling me an a-hole, which might be true.”
“But I would like to clear up some things before other people make judgments based on misconceptions.”
“When I said they will not be allowed at the baptism, I meant at the after party, which will take place at my home.”
“Only church officials can kick people out at the ceremony itself, and unless they are disruptive, I don’t see a reason they’d be kicked out.”
“My son and his wife paid for their own wedding.”
“She converted of her own free will because it is what she believes in.”
“They originally planned to name my grandchild just Antoiné.”
“I suggested an orthodox name so that the child can have a protective saint to call upon in harsh times.”
“But everyone will use the name Antoiné to address him.”
“My son and his wife can afford the expenses, even without my help.”
“I don’t want my in-laws to be happy with the outcome.”
“I just want a simple ‘sorry’ and for them to be civil at the party.”
Well, OP, Reddit is not with you on this one.
You’ve created quite a predicament.
This ceremony isn’t about you.
Maybe once you’re all together, you can sit down and talk calmly.
It’ll be a rough time for your grandson if he has to grow up under the shadow of a feud.
Good luck to you all.