Making travel plans can be tedious and stressful.
It can be especially cumbersome when it comes to the money matters of it all.
Does everyone have their share?
Have all of the arrangements been spread out properly?
These can be haunting questions when traveling with loved ones.
Redditor throwingitawayof wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for demanding my friend pay me back for her daughter's plane ticket today?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My friend and I planned a trip in November to Hawaii with our younger kids."
"Initially, we asked her oldest daughter, who is 17, if she wanted to go, but she said no."
"Fast forward to February when we decided to buy the plane tickets, we asked her daughter again, and she said she would like to go."
"My friend asked if I could pay for half of her ticket, and I agreed since the daughter said she'd babysit for one night so we could go out alone."
"Our trip is in 4 days, and today, her daughter said she no longer wants to go because she doesn't want to miss school."
"When I heard this, I asked for my half of her ticket cost back since she's no longer going, and the reason I paid was for the night out."
"Now my friend is upset, saying I shouldn't expect to get anything back."
"I explained that if she chooses not to go, that's fine, it's her choice, but I do expect to get back the money I paid for her trip."
"Many people called me the AH, saying I should be more understanding."
"Honestly, I would have been if this had been discussed earlier and if we hadn't asked her before buying the tickets if she wanted to go."
The OP was left to wonder:
'So Reddit I know you're super honest AITA in this situation?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided that OP was NOT the A**hole, so they discussed...
"NTA. 17 is not too young to understand that when you make a commitment, you stick to it (barring actual emergencies, of course, which it doesn't sound like this is)."
"You don't say how long you were going for, but even if it was just a weekend, a trip to Hawaii for half price with only one night's babysitting sounds like a very reasonable deal."
"How do 'a lot of other people' even know what's happened in what should have been a private transaction between you and your friend?"
"I expect it was because your friend or her daughter told them."
"To be honest, I'd be reconsidering the trip, and possibly the entire friendship given what appears to be bullying over your perfectly reasonable request." ~ TeenySod
"NTA. Your friend is the AH for expecting you to be out of pocket for her own child's indecision in going on the vacation in the first place."
"Also, she asked you to pay for half the ticket in EXCHANGE FOR her daughter babysitting your kids for a night out."
"Her daughter has failed to provide the exchange, and therefore ,the mother or the daughter now has to return the money."
"Friends ain't friends if they're happy to rip off their mates."
"Nu-uh-UH..." ~Miakki
"Right! This is what got me."
"A plane ticket to Hawaii from where I am in PA is anywhere from 750-1300 bucks!"
"For one night out, you're going to pay her 300-700 bucks?"
"Seems like OP's friend was trying to take advantage."
"I could understand if the 17-year-old was watching the kids significantly throughout the trip."
"But her mother should have been the one to pay for it, and OP could just pay the night rate for babysitting when the time came."
"The 17-year-old should be held responsible and asked to work to pay back her ticket." ~ beena1993
"NTA. I want to know: who booked the tickets?"
"Is there any refund option?"
"How is the friend acting about the whole thing?"
"Are they being weird?" ~ Username7099
"Understanding of what?!"
"She's not going you need your money back."
"There's nothing AH about it!"
"Mom is whole plus your money!"
"Why did the mom want you to pay half anyway?"
"That was pretty ballsy in the first place, and now she doesn't want to give it back?"
"Seriously NTA." ~ Charming-Industry-86
"What the hell is wrong with these people be more understanding!"
"First, she says no, then she says yes, and her mother asked if you could pay for half the ticket, so you agreed."
"Then she says no, and you should get your half of the ticket back. end of story."
"But do you really want to go on a vacation with this woman?"
'Because if she doesn't pay you from now until you go, there's gonna be resentment coming from you."
"If she's gonna make a big deal out of it and not pay you, I would cancel the whole thing." ~ Sheera_Power
"I don't see why you had to pay for 1/2 her trip in the first place."
"Surely 1/2 the cost of a plane ticket is way more than 1/2 the cost of a couple of hours of babysitting."
"Also, there's no reason she should need to be paid to watch a couple of kids (including her siblings) when she's being treated to a trip to Hawaii."
"She should have been happy to help out for one evening."
"No offense, but she sounds like a brat, and your friend should be teaching her how to act respectfully."
"Also she's 17, why does she get to make these unilateral decisions?"
"It's truly bizarre that your friend would think you should pay anything for her daughter."
"If it was me I wouldn't go with her at all." ~ DrMichelle-
"NTA - if it were a medical situation or something comparable, then sure, you might be or at least your timing would not be good, but from what you're telling it's just a matter of her not wanting to go."
"Scrap the Ticket from the Equation, you paid for a sitter for one night, the sitter doesn't come and you want your money back, obviously." ~ PandaUsedChill
"NTA. No 17 turns down a trip to Hawaii because they don't want to miss school."
"She's throwing a party."
"But you paid half the ticket so she can watch the kids one night."
"Now that she's not watching the kids nor going, there's no reason why you should eat those funds." ~ Exciting-Peanut-1526
"Wow. NTA, and don't worry about what these 'friends' say."
"If they are so eager to subsidize this irresponsible teen's non-trip, they are free to pay!"
"It's time for your friend's daughter to learn that actions have consequences."
"Her own parents should be teaching her this, and not at the expense of family and friends."
"OP, if I were you, I'd be reconsidering the whole trip." ~ AKlutraa
"NTA - more understanding of what?"
"Action, meet consequence."
"You absolutely should get your money back - which, to be fair, could be from your friend or her daughter."
"Maybe money is tight, and discussing how you could be paid back would help?" ~ PossibleGeneral9498
"What?! It's super weird to me that you had to pay for half of the ticket to begin with."
"I get that you were getting babysitting for a night, and I don't know how much the ticket was, but damn, I don't know if that was an equal deal to begin with."
"Now you're out that money because she changed her mind?!"
"Hell no. HELL NO."
"No real friend would think you should pay half to begin with, let alone not pay you back."
"If she can't afford to pay for her daughter's flight, she shouldn't be going on a vacation." ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NTA, cancel the ticket she still has the credit under her name you should get your half back… reevaluate this friendship… get the feeling the milk has turned on this one…" ~ CheezersTheCat
"NTA. You basically prepaid for a service that you are no longer getting."
"You should get your money back."
"There's also something seriously wrong about your friend group."
"Understanding why she doesn't want to go does not mean that they owe you money."
"Your friend group basically has terrible logic and sounds dumb as hell, to be honest."
"I wonder what other messed up things they try to guilt each other with."
"Drop them."
"Get better friends." ~ ArtisticEffective153
"NTA. But for her actions, you would never have paid for half of her ticket."
"As the child is a minor and the ticket was bought at the request of your friend, then she's responsible for her child being a flake because what you essentially paid for was nothing." ~ inturnaround
"Absolutely NTA!!!"
"NTA, first your friend sucks for not returning cash that's yours, second the thing that gets me is the daughter suddenly changed her?"
"Did she say wanted to go or did your friend just say she wanted to go?"
"I can say the daughters the Ahole without this piece of evidence." ~ Top_Session9504
"That LACK OF REASONING doesn't even make sense!!"
"You're not the parent!!"
"Why should you cop half of the ticket price and just accept it? NOPE!!"
"Keep telling them they are to pay you back!"
"Although I've never heard of a kid choosing school over a holiday... but okay?"
"Or show them this thread!" ~ ImACarebear1986
"NTA. The deal was you'd pay part of her ticket in exchange for one night's babysitting during the trip."
"She won't be able to do that since she has changed her mind, reneged on the deal, and won't be there."
"The girl should be paying for it herself now, or her mom should." ~ Babziellia
OP came back with some information...
"Editing to add since I spoke with our friend group, and it shed light on why they felt the way they did."
"I was not aware our friend was having financial issues with the trip because she never said anything to me about it."
"More so she was hiding it because last week she had to borrow $900 for the cost of the hotel which means she not only didn't have her portion but she spent some of my portion too since we split it and paid $650 each."
"I sent her my half in February because I wanted my full trip to be paid for so I wouldn't have to think about it. "
"She also came up with the plan of me paying half for her daughter because she wouldn't have been able to afford the full cost of the flight."
"Mind you this is a trip she asked to be a part of because I said I was taking my kid to Hawaii this year as a vacation."
"Initially, I had no intention of traveling with anyone else, and she did not have to go, especially if it was going to put financial stress on her."
"That being known now, it did look to them like I was ignoring that she was struggling and expecting the other half of the money."
"I pointed out that the daughter could work off the ticket cost by letting my dog out when I'm working."
"As for her reasoning for not wanting to go, her boyfriend's parents are also out of town the same week, so she is planning to spend time with him alone. The school excuse is what she came up with because she thought her mom would be more sympathetic towards it."
"Needless to say, I've booked my own hotel and will likely only see her during the flight, which may be awkward because we're sitting near each other."
"I've decided I'm distancing myself from her and taking this as a lesson about group trips."
"She's likely going to get a flight voucher for her daughter's ticket, and I'm out for the portion that I paid for the flight."
"I don't expect her to make up for the hotel since this is something I've chosen to do myself."
"My friend group has apologized for jumping to conclusions without knowing the facts and several have urged her to cancel her trip."
Well, this is quite the drama, OP.
Reddit has your back, though.
It sounds like your friend may need to get her house in order.
Have a good vacation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp