Planning a wedding sometimes seems more complicated than international diplomacy.
Who can and can't be in the same room or at the same table without unnecessary drama is something couples have to consider.
And decide whose issues they're going to champion.
A guest who was on the losing end of that support turned to the alternate "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback. AITAH doesn't provide final judgments, but it allows a wider variety of scenarios.
Long_Assistant8873 asked:
"AITAH for not letting my friends use my backyard for their wedding because they do not want me to bring a 'plus one'?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Here is the situation. Last summer, I bought my grandparents' house. This house was the hangout spot for my friends and I throughtout our childhood. This includes my friend 'Dave'."
"The house has a sizable amount of land, which includes a lake and a gazebo. I was supposed to buy the house with my now ex-girlfriend ('Leslie')."
"But, going through the process of getting approved to buy, I found out that she has massive amounts of credit card and personal debt that she hid from me throughout our four years together."
"I decided to breakup as a result. That was about six months ago. I met Leslie because Dave's long-term girlfriend ('Kim') is Leslie's cousin."
"Dave and Kim are engaged and set to get married in April. When I was buying the house, they asked if they could have the ceremony at the gazebo, which I agreed to do."
"In December, I started dating again. Leslie has not taken this well at all. She thinks we are going to get back together and has tried multiple times to make that happen."
"I have told her in no uncertain terms that isn't happening. Dave and Kim have asked me to not bring a plus-one to the wedding for 'Leslie's sake'."
"I have told them that this request is ridiculous. This wedding is happening at my house, using my land, and I am not allowed to bring a date because of a crazy ex?"
"If that is the case, then they need to find a new venue for the wedding. They are pissed about this given the short time frame of when the wedding is supposed to happen."
"So, we are at an impasse."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I have seen a few things brought up a number of times in the comments, so I will quickly address them here:"
"I am fully aware of the liability issues, which is why I purchased, and they reimbursed me for a 'special event' insurance policy which will provide 100% coverage for any damages, claims, injuries, etc... to any of the property or persons up to $2M. It is one of the first things we did after I agreed to have the event in my home."
"They are paying for the event insurance. But, it is a pretty small amount. But, they are not paying me for the venue."
"The wedding will have a maximum, if everyone comes, of 75 guests, 5 catering staff, and 5 security staff (the security is because this is an open area that anyone walking past can access). The house has hosted events twice this size and logistically it has been fine."
"On the property are two cottages, one with one bathroom and the other with two bathrooms. The only portion of my house that will not be locked during the wedding is the finished basement. The basement has two bathrooms."
"Every person who is single (ie. not in an established relationship) received an invitation with a plus-one, including me and Leslie. This talk came after I sent in my return card and indicated I was bringing a plus-one."
"Now, they are saying they do not want me to have the plus-one because Leslie blew up about it and they are afraid of a blowup at the wedding."
"Leslie indicated she intends to bring someone on her card. I do not know if she will actually bring someone."
"The petty part of me did absolutely consider saying, 'Well, Leslie cannot come to my house or on my land so it shouldn't be a problem'."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the voting acronyms from AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors who voted decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Pull an Uno Reverse. Tell them Leslie isn't allowed on your property and watch their heads explode." ~ ItWorkedInMyHead
"This is the way. Agree not to bring a date. It's a small concession that actually protects your best interests. Whoever you brought would have the worst time navigating this ex-girlfriend drama."
"Instead, tell them that you are not comfortable having Leslie on your property and thank them for bringing this to your attention before the wedding."
"You had thought you could peacefully coexist with the wedding, but if you bringing a date would cause problems then they've opened your eyes to that not being the case."
"It's just better for everyone's mental health if she sits this one out. Feed them some bullsh*t on not wanting the ex-girlfriend drama to take the spotlight away from them on their special day." ~ BasicRabbit4
"The couple getting married can go get married someplace they would have to pay for if they don't want to be in this situation."
"Otherwise they are taking advantage of OP's hospitality and trying to dictate who he can have present on his own property, which is pretty obnoxious." ~ Mean_Breakfast_4081
"Bring up the fact that if Leslie thinks this is her chance to shoot her shot, she will be shot down immediately. This is non-negotiable."
"But your concern is that she's going to be on your property when that happens. There's no telling if/when she's going to retaliate. AND how she may choose to do it."
"ESPECIALLY IF SHE IS PLANNING ON DRINKING. Drunk bitter ex-girlfriends who still think they have a chance, are not known for being the most levelheaded, rational, and reasonable."
"So this leaves you with one recourse. Don't have Leslie at your house. Problem solved!" ~ CatmoCatmo
"This conversation should have been held either early planning stages or immediately post break up...whichever happened first. And if Leslie has a plus one, it shouldn't bother her if OP does. NTA!" ~ MrsRetiree2Be
"NTA. Well….. you have 4 choices. 1. Deny them the wedding on your property (unless they 'let' you have a date) 2. Allow the wedding and don't have a date."
"3. Allow the wedding and bring your date regardless of their wishes. 4. Allow the wedding, if they don't invite Leslie."
"Choice is yours entirely. You'll likely lose the friendship no matter what you do at this point, so just do what makes YOU happy." ~ 6poundpuppy
"Wait—it is a 'so let me use your land, gazebo, house, and lake to make our wedding happen, but you are not allowed to bring a date because of your ex-girlfriend' request‽‽"
"Not to mention the fact that your land will be trampled on, possibly driven on, partied on, the lake may be used for many interesting and/or nefarious deeds, and you may be responsible for all the people that show up because you own the land and the liability for damages or for personal injury may be on your home insurance?"
"Heck NAW, NTA! That is some bs there!" ~ gotsmoxie
"NTA. None of this is on you, OP. Having Leslie as a guest at the home where she was going to be a co-owner is enough of a sticky wicket."
"Attending a wedding at the home of your ex has got to be aaawk-ward, especially since it's Leslie's own stupidity and deceit that caused the breakup. Seriously, a plus one for you should be the least of Leslie's problems."
"You're not wrong for taking the stand you are, OP; just know this may be the end of these friendships." ~ PrairieGrrl5263
"I think the break-up with Leslie was the beginning of the end to the friendship. Leslie is the bride's family."
"You know she's trashing OP every chance she gets, and Dave and Kim have already taken her side in the breakup."
"They're using OP for the venue. When the wedding is done, they'll go no contact, guaranteed." ~ Twisted_thistle
"NTA. Stand your ground and die on this hill!! The entitlement is real ... YOU BETTER BRING A DATE! Or they can find another venue." ~ mcindy28
"If Leslie is that upset about him bringing a date, maybe she should stay home." ~ Mental-Paramedic9790
"If you want to stay friends with Dave, don't bring a date. But let Dave know that 'hey buddy, I love you, but you owe me one on this'. And keep your distance from your ex. But either way, NTA." ~ Habitat934
"What if you agreed but said Leslie isn't allowed on your land, for your comfort? Then what? NTA." ~ Apprehensive_War9612
"NTA. Honestly I'd tell them that if they want to make that stipulation that you don't think it would be a good idea for Leslie to be on your property, that you no longer want the wedding on your property because of that and that you'll not be attending either."
"Let them know that it's clear who they wish to prioritize and that you understand since she's the bride's family, but that they must also understand that this is a massive violation of your own boundaries."
"You now need to reassess you friendship with them and that you don't think your friendship is now close enough for them to ask such a massive favor of you as to use your home for their wedding free of charge. You need to withdraw any involvement in the event now." ~ DevilGuy
"You're not at an impasse. It's your house. You get to decide what it's used for. NTA." ~ Over-Marionberry-686
"NTA. Dave is delusional to think that he/they can put +1 restrictions on the venue owner without repercussions. FAFO. They can find a new venue." ~ Awkward-Bother1449
"NTA. At first I thought they weren't going to give a +1 because you may have not been together that long and then not having the funds to add someone this close, but because your ex would be uncomfortable with your new girlfriend there is just wrong."
"I wouldn't make them add a +1 for me at this point, and to save the hassle of discomfort, I would tell them they have use of just the gazebo they were going to have, but they need to get some porta-johns because you and your girlfriend will be out somewhere."
"So then no one has to be uncomfortable with someone's presence. But nothing but the gazebo will be available." ~ LoneWolfHippie1223
This friendship may not survive this wedding, but if they're encouraging and supporting the OP's ex without regard for their feelings, maybe this friendship was already over.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.