We can all agree that sometimes it’s hard to keep up with our day-to-day responsibilities, and those tasks get a little bit piled up.
But when it becomes difficult to live in our home because of how messy it is, we clearly need to make a change, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Lost_Pianist5391 was completely fed up with her roommate, who made every excuse she could to not help keep their home clean.
When she had a chance encounter with her roommate’s mom, the Original Poster (OP) decided to be honest about what was going on.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not covering for my annoying roommate and answering her mom’s questions honestly, so now she has to pay her own rent?”
The OP didn’t appreciate the unclean environment she lived in with her roommate.
“Since November, I’ve been living with this girl, and I hate it so much.”
“She is so annoying and messy. She never cleans up after herself and lets trash accumulate in her room.”
“That’s her own personal space, so I don’t really care, but our open areas like the living room, kitchen, and bathroom that we share are constantly messy, and I hate it.”
“I always ask her to clean, and she promises to, but then she goes to work and goes straight into her room and doesn’t come out until I leave for the day. She only does that when I ask her to clean.”
This led to regular arguments.
“I’m not the type of person that can live in filth, so I clean after she refuses to. It’s caused a lot of resentment.”
“A few months ago, we had a screaming match when I asked her to clean the kitchen after she trashed it looking for stuff.”
“She told me she was gonna clean when she felt like it and told me to stop harassing her.”
“She said she has ADHD and all these other accommodations I should adhere to.”
“After that, we haven’t spoken at all.”
The OP recently was able to make a formal complaint about her roommate.
“A few days ago when she was at work, a woman knocked on our door.”
“I opened it, and she looked a lot like my roommate, and she introduced herself as her mom, so I let her in.”
“She was pretty nice and was asking me a lot of questions about myself. Then she asked me if I liked living with her daughter.”
“I was honest and said no and told her my reasons. She was shocked and apologized.”
“She told me that she’s been paying her daughter’s rent, and their agreement was that she stay home on work nights and only go out on the weekends and that’s it.”
“She asked me if her daughter followed that, and I laughed and said no and that she goes out frequently and skips work a lot.”
“Her mom was very shocked and soon after she left.”
Then the OP got called out for her honesty.
“A few days later, my roommate stormed into my room, screaming, saying her mom told her that I said she’s filthy and hard to live with and that she skips work and goes out on workdays and not just the weekends.”
“She said her mom was no longer going to pay her rent, and that it’s my fault, and that I’m a b***h and an a**hole.”
“I told my friend about it, and she told me I should have just lied for her.”
“She said that I was being petty and now she’s going to have to live paycheck to paycheck because of me.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the roommate was using her ADHD diagnosis as an excuse.
“OP, definitely NTA here. The roommate uses her ADHD as justification for being a s**tty roommate.”
“I also have ADHD, but I do my d**nedest to keep the house from spiraling into a tornado zone. My roommates are all some flavor of neurodivergent, but we’ve built systems into play to keep the place habitable. Just because our brains are chaotic doesn’t mean our space has to be.”
“In fact, even though it’s sometimes very challenging to keep things in line, it’s So Rewarding to do so, because at least for me, decluttering my physical space does WONDERS to help declutter my mental space as well.”
“Your roommate pegging her unhygienic laziness on her ADHD is a cop-out and one that stigmatizes mental illness at that. She’s 100% TA here.” – itspipster
“NTA. As a person with ADHD, I might accidentally forget to throw away a wrapper or throw out a water bottle, but it won’t get to the point where it accumulates over time.”
“Your roommate is using ADHD as an excuse to be lazy, which isn’t okay.”
“Good on you, OP.” – zeke__454
“ADHD is not an excuse for being a slob.”
“Saying things like that contribute to a culture where people do not want to make any accommodations for people with disabilities because others have used them as an excuse to act however they want. It makes it so hard for people to get the support they need because they’re battling these inaccurate stereotypes.” – arianrhodd
“I have ADHD, which makes it very hard for me to do what I need to do, but it’s not like I’m skipping work and partying. Most of the time I’m just too exhausted from work to then go and do chores.”
“The days that I have off admittedly wither away quickly from scrolling paralysis, but I usually manage to jump into action once the ‘deadline,’ for lack of a better word, of my fiancé coming home from work gets closer.”
“Some days are worse than others, I often don’t accomplish everything I intend to and every person with ADHD may struggle differently.”
“But no matter how difficult ADHD may be to manage, I would never let it inconvenience a roommate. I would be so embarrassed.”
“I don’t even like inviting my actual friends over if my house is a little bit messy, and to do all that and let her mom just pay her rent? She sounds like she needs a reality check.” – sugaredsnickerdoodle
“I have diagnosed ADHD and clinical depression. I struggle to do things like clean, cook, and organize quite often.”
“But when I lived with roommates, I made much more of a conscious effort to push myself into doing those things. And when my roomies straight-up asked or told me to please do the dishes or help clean the kitchen, I would get up off of my a** and do it right away.”
“There’s a major difference between requesting friendly accommodations or extra patience for a mental illness or disorder, and constantly using that mental illness or disorder as an excuse.”
“Nobody likes doing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom, and yeah, doing that kind of stuff in a timely manner is generally a lot harder for neurodivergent folk. But there are plenty of coping mechanisms that one can learn independently to help combat those issues.”
“If there had been any indication of OP’s roommate actually putting in an effort to work on herself and find ways to get things done despite her disability, or otherwise looking for ways to compromise, I would have more sympathy.”
“But being neurodivergent doesn’t absolve one of being selfish, lazy, manipulative, or entitled, and that’s all exactly what OP’s roommate was embodying.” – DumpstahKat
Others also questioned the friend’s definition of “being the bigger person” and lying.
“You are not petty; you are matching her no cleaning up bathroom and kitchen self. NTA.” – serenasplaycousin
“It is not petty to answer a question with the truth.”
“Had OP voluntarily and immediately told the mom how horrible the roommate was, that might be petty. But answering a direct question asked by the mom is not petty.” – One_Ad_704
“People are always recommending someone “be the bigger person” about stuff that doesn’t affect them. I call bulls**t.”
“Your friend would be signing a completely different if she was the one suffering from the nightmare roommate.”
“NTA.” – Bruiscear
“She did this to herself. If she wanted to be a grown-up, she would have cleaned up after herself.”
“I do think it is weird that her mom won’t let her go out on ‘work’ nights. What the h**l? However, she is missing work and that is not okay. If she was still going to work, it wouldn’t be a big deal.”
“This is all on her. Don’t lie to people. Just don’t. It isn’t your responsibility to cover for her or anyone.” – HiddenTurtles
“Your friend is absolutely, without hesitation, and undeniably: wrong.”
“Why the f**k would you lie about someone who’s a b…ad roommate and a c…onstant liar about doing her share in the common area?”
“*IF* You were friends and *IF* she had talked to you ahead of time? Maybe I’d consider lying for a friend.”
“The fact that you had no reason to know you needed to lie, no reason to want to lie, and every reason to simply tell the truth?”
“NTA on any level.”
“Also… in your friend’s opinion, you are a ‘bigger person’ if you lie unprompted?”
“I’m not sure I can agree with that.”
“Ask your friend what is bigger about lying? What’s your friend’s opinion on your roommate *LYING* to her mom and going against their agreements? You should lie and your roommate is okay for lying to her mom about keeping up their bargain?”
“There can be some room for interpretation. Your tone. Her exact questions and your exact responses. An unprompted visit from ‘Mom’ who was polite, asked simple questions, and got honest responses from you?”
“I’m going to have to throw a red flag on the play… I’m not sure I like your friend’s attitude about this. The fact that she thinks you should lie and that your roommate is okay for lying… that’s some big red flags on the field.”
“If you were on friendly terms and your roommate was upholding her end of the bargain? cleaning her mess after she makes it? *AND* if she personally told you about the deal and asked you to not tell her mom?”
“Maybe not lie directly but lie by omission? If it was a good friend, *MAYBE* I’d consider straight lying, but this roommate?”
“Literally, no reason to not be honest.”
“Finally… ADHD is a bullshit justification for not doing her part.”
“I’m textbook ADHD and I put stuff off. I’m messy. I always promise my better half I’ll do better and dishes still sit in the sink.”
“That’s not because of ‘ADHD’… that’s because I’m not doing what I promised because I procrastinate and it’s 100% my fault. Not ‘ADHD.'”
“All around… your roommate is lazy and uses ADHD as justification for being a s**tty roommate. She’s mad you didn’t lie. Your friend is mad that you didn’t lie.”
“But I digress… you’re NTA and your roommate brought this upon herself. Your friend shouldn’t encourage lying on behalf of others.” – wernercd
The subReddit totally understood why the OP was honest with her roommate’s mother and agreed that she didn’t need to cover for her, especially given her history.
But a few were worried about the OP’s timing and safety precautions. This was a woman she did not know, that she proceeded to let into her home and reveal private details to. If the mother was abusive or narcissistic, the situation could have been much darker than simply not paying the rent.